Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.
Every so often, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this time: TNA Summer Special.
For one, while WWE merch generally seems like it’s been focus grouped and market-tested to the point that it’s all broadly acceptable and boring as fuck, TNA stuff comes across as completely unsupervised. What’s more, they have unmoderated reviews for pretty much every single piece of merch, which adds another delicious dash of madness to everything. LET’S GET STARTED.
Samuel Shaw t-shirt
THIS IS NOT SOMETHING THAT ANYONE SHOULD BE WEARING, LEAST OF ALL WRESTLING FANS. Let’s see what the reviews have to say!
Remy, are you talking from some experience here? Can we confirm Remy as a REAL creepy bastard?!?! Regardless, I think I can concur with him: WORSE. SHIRT. EVER.
God bless Jeff Hardy for convincing a company to let him run around as his high school art project on national television, and God bless TNA for trying to sell an umbrella for $40. Unsurprisingly, the response has been a little mixed:
“Dudes make money off ass holes” THAT’S CALLED CAPITALISM BROTHER, FUCK OFF BACK TO RUSSIA IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT.
Honestly, I can’t see “be triangular” taking off as a catchphrase, but bless him for trying.
“Titantium or something that will last for centuries”, mate, sit down.
Earl Hebner t-shirt
FUN FACT: At the TNA Basebrawl event in Brooklyn a couple of years back, they announced that Earl Hebner would be signing these shirts during intermission and there was a STAMPEDE of Hebnermaniacs rushing to get one. Wrestling’s a weird thing, man.
Because people will buy it, Mike! Because people will buy it.
Eric Young t-shirt
Wow, a beard-based shirt for their underdog champion! How does TNA come up with this stuff?!?
Poor old Eric Young. It’s his best shirt EVER, but Martin’s still in two minds about whether he’ll buy it or not.
James Storm t-shirt
Uh oh, I can guess what’s gonna be on the back! ABOUT YO’ DAAAAAAAAAAMN LU-
-oh, what? That’s not how it goes! I’m not the only one furious about this disgusting bait-and-switch move:
YEAH, WHY NOT. You and me, MiniAbyss. Fuck shitty memes, we know what’s up.
***PLASTIC SHIT INTERLUDE***
Think TNA just sells t-shirts and umbrellas? THINK AGAIN.
This is shit. This is SO shit. Let’s see what the fans think:
OR MAYBE DON’T, JUST GIVE UP.
Eric Young plastic beard
Jesus. First of all, what colour is it? Black or brown? Second of all, this couldn’t possibly feel good, could it? A big plastic mask rubbing against your face? There’s a more pressing issue though:
YEAH, IDIOTS. ESPECIALLY ALL YOU WOMEN AND CHILDREN OUT THERE, JUST TRY HARDER!
The mask already looks like it’s made out of cardboard, but the guy they got to model it…
…well, he’s not helping much. The review is pretty ominous too:
It sounds like there’s a story there. I mean, likely just a story about receiving a broken plastic mask in the mail, so not a classic anecdote or anything.
Mr Anderson t-shirt
Is it me or did Mr Anderson age about twenty years in the last six months? Anyway, this shirt sucks. The reviews get pretty mean-spirited though:
YIKES, SHOTS FIRED. Welcome to the #RealityEra, Mr Anderson!
Honestly, I’m just going to leave this one to the reviewer…
…because there’s no way I’m going to be able to top someone comparing Abyss to a happy elephant/Eeyore. ALRIGHT, THAT’S IT, SEE YOU NEXT TIME.