It’s that time! That is right, we are here to name your Sexy Wrestler of The Week once again! Please adjust your computer screens so that no unwanted eyes will see what you are ogling over… or don’t! Your call.
After last week’s expensive failure of the Sex-O-Meter we were pressed to find a better way to gather information and statistics on who you want as the Sexy Wrestler of The Week.
It took us a little bit to understand exactly what would help with this daunting and important task but after some heavy brainstorming sessions that involved a lot of hummus and even a little bit of karaoke we decided on the answer. It took a lot of string pulling but we have assembled a trio of scientists from around the globe and even one from outside of Earth.
Meet our team of statistic analysts:
Henry Q. Bobbletops IV: This wily scientist, known for his experiments with cornhusks, has recently began studying the way people use social media and compiling statistics.
Col. Bill Baxter: Former military operative and overseer of the US Army’s first MySpace account. His Klout Score is over 300 and he was a contributor to the Ouya Kickstarter campaign. He may or may not know everything you text your friends.
XenoGoblin The Banisher: Works as a liaison between other planets and Earth. Has been a wrestling fan ever since his mothership picked up it’s first signal from Earth. Favorite wrestler ever was Meat.
First we will show you Professor Bottletops report and his assessment of gathered statistics:
Henry Q. Bobbletops IV: I don’t have much time for this nonsense and my computer running entirely off of cornhusk oil was made for more than just compiling stats for wrestling websites, not to mention you’re paying me in celery when I clearly asked for payment in corn for my cornhusk experiments, you dolts.
Let’s cut to the chase. From what I’ve gathered, your winner for this week is, without a doubt, Adam Cole. Now leave me alone forever.
We’d like to thank Professor Bobbletops for his “friendly” contribution. Be sure to check out his book “Cornhusk You Can” available from VeggieGood Publishing this December. Now, we’ll check out Col. Bill Baxter’s report:
Col. Bill Baxter: After looking at every single person’s [CENSORED] and realizing what vile human beings everyone is I’ve reached the conclusion that I should lock you all up. But that’s not what you’re paying me for, is it? I’ve looked at everyone’s [CENSORED] and I think you all like Adam Cole too much. Then I looked at everyone’s [CENSORED] from their [CENSORED] accounts and reached the same conclusion.
All of you leaches are too obsessed with Adam Cole to go out and work to achieve The American Dream. Your clear winner is Adam Cole.
Uh… Thanks to Colonel Baxter for his work… I think. Now let’s go to our interplanetary professional to see what he has gathered for us.
XenoGoblin The Banisher: SEEVARE FOFOF BUMALI DESA KULIIILIIIIL CWAI CWAI!*
*Translation: “The eloquent Adam Cole has won this magnanimous contest. Cheerio! Now scurry along before I send you to The Greater Abyss.”
So, there it is.The same outcome as usual. I’m at a loss. No matter what, the answer is always the same.
You have chosen Adam Cole as your Sexy Wrestler of The Week!