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The Blast Zone: The Debut
What’s up guys it’s Nightlife (@AnimeKing420) here. I just have one thing to say:
I am STEAMING MAD!!!
That’s right folks, I am PISSED OFF about wrestling! CERTAIN COMPANIES (gee I wonder which companies they could be!!!!!) are doing wrestling COMPLETELY THE WRONG WAY!!! What’s the right way, you ask? My way, duh. Like, it’s super fucking obvious that I know what’s best for wrestling. Still not convinced? Then you aren’t worth my time.
I have previously had no outlet for my anger. Then I found out that this website accepts articles written by anybody with no editorial oversight, and thus my feature article (the BEST ON THE SITE!!!) is born. Welcome to THE BLAST ZONE.
The rules of THE BLAST ZONE: nothing is off-limits. That’s right, marks. None of your beloved SHITTY “wrestling” (come on idiots we all know it’s “Sports Entertainment” (ugh!!!)) companies are safe.
So, who am I putting ON BLAST this week? None other than…
WWE!!!!!
Oh, what’s that? You stupid MARKS (you CLAIM to be “smart” but you watch WWE so you clearly AREN’T!!!) are now quaking in forty dollar Randy Orton t-shirts??? Scared yet??? It’s OK to be scared. I’m only about to tear the WORST company in “Sports Entertainment” a new asshole and there’s not a damn thing you pathetic Cena fanboys (because that’s ALL WWE fans REALLY ARE) can do about it.
Listen here, marks. Here’s the facts. I’m smart and I know shit, OK? I’m privy to how this business REALLY works, unlike you dumb ASSES who think you’re sooooooo smart just because your mom isn’t a TOTAL BITCH and lets you use her credit card for a subscription to F4W. So here’s why WWE sucks.
1. It Is Corporate As Hell
It’s simple, marks. WWE wants your money and they will do anything it can possibly do for a few dollars more. Look at all the merchandise they sell! Garden gnomes?!?!?!?!? Give me a fucking break. Wrestling is about the sport, the athleticism, the storytelling! It’s not about making money! If a wrestler works for WWE they are a SELL-OUT, nothing more! WWE is the epitome of greed. Real wrestlers are in it for the fans, the smart fans like me, who truly appreciate them, not the money. WWE is in it for the money. They don’t give a FUCK about the fans because they know the majority of you idiots will buy anything. Well, I’m wise to their plan, and as my boycott of all things WWE-related enters its third week, I am 110% positive those corporate fucks are quaking in their boots as I type this.
BLAST-O-METER RATING: 4
2. They Push Bad Wrestlers And Bury Good Ones
Remember Zack Ryder? That guy had everything it took to be a star and he was OVER. I willingly watched WWE while he was getting his push, THAT’S how great he was. And what did WWE do? They made him a joke!!! They pushed Zack to the side in favor of huge losers nobody has ever cared about like Kane. Zack Ryder’s de-push is THE single biggest waste of talent that has EVER happened in pro wrestling. Sorry, “Sports Entertainment.”
As for the bad wrestlers WWE pushes, do I even need to name names? You already know about John “mark’s wet dream” Cena. Do I really need to say anything? I will, just to make sure we’re all on the same page, which is my page, the correct page. John “corporate stooge” Cena is a pussy PG robot little BITCH and despite being THE WORST WRESTLER ALIVE!!!!! he gets push after push, even though us true fans are sick of him. Hey, WWE! Hear those “Cena Sucks” chants? Either turn him heel (which would be great for business – but of course he politics so he can stay babyface FOREVER) or just straight up fire that waste of money. That buffoon isn’t what fans want to see, and this is apparent every time “Cena sucks” is chanted, which is every single episode of Raw, when I chant it at my TV. I may not have a Nielsen box, but I know WWE knows every time I turn my back to the TV, and they know I do it whenever John “politicking steroid freak” Cena wrestles, and they know that I know that it kills them every time.
BLAST-O-METER RATING: 3
3. TV-PG
Remember when wrestling was good? The 90s, when I was a kid. Everything was better when I was a kid. Why? It’s obvious, isn’t it? Two words: the Attitude Era. TV-14. Not that TV-PG bull CRAP we have now!!!
Think about it. The Attitude Era had everything you could want from wrestling. Blood, swearing, boobs, the D.O.A., you name it, the Attitude Era had it. What does WWE have now? A stupid dumb kids PG rating (when kids don’t even HAVE any money to spend on WWE! Great business decision there IDIOTS!!!) and they can’t swear or cut their foreheads open or take unprotected chair shots to the head or any other cool stuff that the real fans want to see. WWE is trying to appeal to kids, which is stupid because kids are only kids for like 8 or 10 years and then they’re adults for 60, so it makes more sense to target adults with your product since adults exist for longer than kids to. Of course, the Attitude Era cannot truly return until John “PG poster child” Cena is gone, so every night he wrestles, I pray that he suffers a career-ending injury so wrestling can become good again.
Would the Attitude Era returning fix all problems WWE currently has? Yes.
BLAST-O-METER RATING: 6
4. John Cena
We all knew I would get to this clown eventually, and here I am. Now, I’ve touched on John “Fruity Pebbles” Cena a few times in this article already, but I feel he still deserves his own section because there is just so much wrong with this PG corporate tool that I could go on for days. However, in the interest of time (and in the interest of the fascist website-forced character limit) I’ll keep it short and sweet.
John “I CAN see you, idiot” Cena has, and always will be, lame and stupid and for kids. As I’ve previously stated, kids are a poor market for WWE so John “role model for babies” Cena’s appeal is limited to little babies, girls who think he’s hot, and childlike adults, of which exactly zero are true wrestling fans, like me. He’s been build and packaged as this kid-friendly generic boring uncharismatic babyface and it just INFURIATES me.
His matches are terrible, too! Name ONE SINGLE good match John “steroid freak” Cena has had that didn’t involve The Rock, Alberto Del Rio, Shawn Michaels, Kurt Angle, CM Punk, Rob Van Dam, Brock Lesnar, or Damien Sandow. That’s right, you can’t name any, because Cena is TERRIBLE IN THE RING!!!
Last but not least, John “jokes for days” Cena is so insufferable because he clearly politics to keep from turning heel. The dude’s been a babyface for going on TEN YEARS now. The peak of John “questionable rapping abilities” Cena’s career was when he was a heel. Coincidence??? I think NOT!!! If John “The Hulk Hogan of the 2000s (and that’s a bad thing, you stupid marks)” Cena turned heel, I believe that he would instantly improve by a thousand percent, easily. It’s so simple, any idiot could figure it out, but WWE refuses to do it for whatever reason. Whatever… POLITICAL REASON!!!
BLAST-O-METER RATING: 10
Disagree with anything Nightlife had to say? The BlastZone welcomes retorts. Send them to wrestlingonearth@gmail.com and we’ll have a good fashioned debate IN The Blast Zone.
Follow Nightlife on Twitter: @AnimeKing420
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