• NBA Teams As WWE Wrestlers: Eastern Conference Preview

    My first two loves in childhood were basketball and wrestling. While my interest in both have fluctuated over the years, both play a large role in my life these days. It’s quite frankly the only reason I still own a television.

    These are indeed my rankings of how the NBA teams will finish in the standings with a wrestling twist as many of us center in the venn diagram of hoops and pro wrestling love.

    I’ll give my East rankings here and my West comparisons will be made next Tuesday to celebrate the NBA season starting.

    1. Miami Heat are John Cena

    LBJ

    Fans either love them or despise them. The NBA and WWE markets their entire brand around them and they are usually the center of attention when it comes to the casual fan. LeBron James to Cena is the main comparison as it’s indisputable that they are at the top of their industry. The generation of polarizing opinions come to a head when Cena or the Heat are on the television screen and the level of hate is unmatched for anyone else in the sport’s history. It’s impossible to pick against them when it comes to the title match-ups.

    TWITTER

    2. Indiana Pacers are CM Punk

    The closest thing to a threat to the #1 spot. CM Punk wasn’t WWE’s first choice and you know damn well the NBA is rooting against Indiana. CM Punk is known fo being self made from the indies to the big stage. The most similar path in the NBA was the Indiana Pacers route of drafting and making savvy moves to build a team that is at the top tier of the NBA. David West’s “fuck you” attitude is a perfect fit for CM Punk. Granted, I can’t see West ever losing a match to Ryback.

    3. Brooklyn Nets are Daniel Bryan

    Aside from the fact that I’m a massive fan of both, I view Bryan’s run at the top of the WWE as being hit or miss. By Wrestlemania season, would it shock you if he was lost in the shuffle with all the big names back. There’s also the chance that he’s in the main event. The same goes for the Nets this season. The ceiling for success is high as can be but the floor is there for a big fall as well. Attitude wise, they are a bit different as I can’t see Bryan telling anyone that their wife tastes like Honey Nut Cheerios as Brooklyn’s Kevin Garnett did.

    4. Chicago Bulls are Dolph Ziggler

    I view the Chicago Bulls as a “they are what they are” team. It sounds blasphemous to say this as an insult but they play at their hardest every game and we see their best on a nightly basis. It’s why they win games without Derrick Rose. They suffer from peaking too early in 2011. The same can be said for Dolph. The Dolph Ziggler you see on a Smackdown house show is the Dolph Ziggler you see at Wrestlemania and that seems to be punished even more in wrestling. Amazing to watch but neither will reach the ceiling their fans are looking for.

    5. Cleveland Cavaliers are The Shield

    irvingbatman

    Young and ready to make noise. I view this year for Cleveland being comparable to The Shield’s current run in WWE. The calm before the storm when they really explode and become contenders. Some of the knocks against the Cavaliers are about their youth and lack of fundamentals. I recall similar knocks against The Shield, more so Seth Rollins. Talent prevails over that 9 times out of 10 and it will happen for the Cavs this year.

    6. New York Knicks are Wade Barrett

    No matter how many times they repackage Wade Barrett or try a new push to elevate him in the main event picture, it always flops. Carmelo Anthony regardless of the team or the place in his career is not going to lead a team to the finals. He’s just not “that dude.” A wise man once said “No matter where you go, you are what you are player.“

    7. Atlanta Hawks are Christian

    A model of consistency and talent but we’ve seen the story. The Hawks will take a good team on the court and lose in the first or best case 2nd round. Christian will be in the midcard title picture whenever he returns. A predictable but nice consistency.

    8. Detroit Pistons are The J.O.B Squad

    jobsquad

    I was hoping to make this all current day wrestlers but couldn’t resist taking it old school with Josh Smith and Brandon Jennings pairing. If only jobber extraordinaire Antawn Jamison joined Motown would we have a perfect J.O.B squad in the NBA.

    Now for the non-playoff teams…

    These are also in order.

    9. Washington Wizards are The Prime Time Players

    The Wizards are going to be interesting to watch. They are young, something new and kind of fun. Not much of a ceiling but you know what you’re getting with them. John Wall adopting the Darren Young mini afro would help spike his jersey sales. Luckily the Wizards will not be playing in prime time games too often.

    10. Toronto Raptors are Kofi Kingston

    Every once in a while there will be exciting moments and hope for something more coming but it will just fizzle out and end with disappointment. Playing the role of Randy Orton will be the entire upper echelon of the Eastern Conference.

    11. Orlando Magic are Big E Langston

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    Big E is one of the newer guys to WWE that’s very unique and entertaining. The Magic have a really cool mix of young talent that will provide fun basketball in the rebuilding process. Victor Oladipo is being touted by many in the game the way Big E is getting support from John Cena. Good things are in store for Orlando’s future.

    12. Boston Celtics are Sami Zayn

    The Celtics rebuilding process will be like Sami Zayn’s NXT tenure. While not what you’d ideally hope for, it will still be a fun watch as time passes before they are great again and they will be great again in a few years. Much like Boston, it’s not matter of “if” Zayn gets called up to the TV roster but when and when he does, it will be worth the wait. Trust Boston management and trust Sami Zayn’s talent.

    13. Milwaukee Bucks are JTG

    I promise the Bucks are still a NBA franchise and JTG is still employed by the WWE despite you forgetting both exist.

    14. Charlotte Bobcats are The Miz

    miz

    Horrible and orange.

    15. Philadelphia 76ers are Curtis Axel

    The Bobcats will at least provide some unintentional fun. The 76ers will just be bad and unwatchable. An art Curtis Ax(e)l Rotten Tomatoes excels at.

    -Come back next week for the Western Conference comparisons and preview. If you enjoyed the wrestling to basketball comparing, you might enjoy a comparison of Pokemon to wrestlers as well!

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