Many sites have a match of the week but ours is a little different. These matches are the ones that are fun to watch… in the non-traditional way.

This week, we’ve chosen KroniK vs. 3 Count from an episode of WCW Nitro in the year 2000. Members of the site @TimWelcomed, @typicalROHfan and @TomBlackett give their (lack of) expertise on the action.

Part 1: Meet KroniK

Tim:

The most vile command in the history of WCW rears its ugly head in this one. Telling someone to “stick it” always gets a gasp. Kronik goes there. Kronik gets real and that’s why they had fans who probably just liked them because “weed, dude” or “kronik bronchitis, bro.” They cut a pretty generic promo on Goldberg.

typicalROHfan:

I loved KroniK. The Bryan/Brian’s of my heart before Daniel Bryan Danielson existed in my world. Crush and Adam Bomb were two of my favorites so I was excited when KroniK was formed. Their promo about wanting to beat up Goldberg would have been cool if they didn’t lose to Goldberg in 3 minutes at the next PPV. (It was the main event.)

Tom:

Does Bryan Adams have fangs? Was that ever explained or does he just have weirdly prominent canines a la Kirsten Dunst? Mark Madden says “if anyone ever buys this damn company, he might hire KroniK to protect his job”. Mark Madden, I think it’ll take a lot more than KroniK to keep you from the unemployment line. There’s a sign in the crowd that says ‘KroniK is down with the air force’. Okay then!

WRESTLING TALK happens from Adams. He goes on about unstoppable forces and huge egos and so on. It’s pretty typical stuff, until THE SUNGLASSES COME OFF… and then it’s more of the same. Kronik look like if Kevin Nash and Scott Hall had a couple of disappointing babies.

Part 2: Meet 3 Count

Tim:

The day is saved when 3 Count‘s music hits. They’ve hired Kronik to be their bodyguards so they can “play their songs” safely in the middle of a wrestling ring. That’s reasonable! But, Kronik are not very good with upholding their side of bargains because they are bullies.

It should be noted that this was back when Shannon Moore gave a fuck, before Helms decided to become a superhero, and before Karagias ever appeared in a short film based off of the Metal Gear video game as the character Grey Fox.

Earlier the question was asked “Why does Brian Adams always hog the mic?” Well we find out why here as it is revealed that Adam “Wrath” Bomb was never really too charismatic when he gets to speak. Kronik beat down 3 Count.

typicalROHfan:

Much like my love for KroniK, 3 Count was another perennial favorite of mine. Jimmy Hart did a stellar job with their music themes as he was responsible for many great themes in the later years of WCW. It’s a damn shame Tank Abbott wasn’t around to protect the boy band sensations. They hired Adams and Clark to replace him while they sang for the orphans and puppies of the world.

KroniK did not like idea of happy orphans and/or joyous puppies, as they decide to attack everyone’s favorite musical wrestling band.

Tom:

3 Count’s theme is so rad. Shannon Moore’s the cute one you can take home to your parents, Evan Karagias is the one who openly makes reference to “hos” (so I guess he’s the bad boy?) and Sugar Shane is the one with the weird lisp.

Why are they out here? Because they hired KroniK to protect them while they perform! YES YES YES THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT but oh wait, KroniK are a couple of jerks who do NOT appreciate contemporary music…

Part 3: KroniK vs. 3 Count

Tim:

The two big guys beat up on the three small guys that only wanted to dance and share their music with the world. The beat them really fast and it made me feel really bad for all of the members of 3 Count except for Evan Karagias.

I don’t like Karagias because he eventually tried stealing the center dance circle leading to the break-up of 3 Count as a three man group. The Shield could learn a thing or two from history. Stay a trio forever and play nice.

typicalROHfan:

Stevie Ray on commentary is still mind boggling to me. I enjoyed the fun of it but I’d pay good money to view the meeting where this idea was pitched and decided.

On the other hand, who in the hell thought that Mark Madden was a good choice for commentator? Then again, Eric Bischoff and Vince Russo are well known misogynists so it makes sense.

KroniK prevails and are victors as they were the future of the new millennium. KroniK 4 life.

Tom:

…and so the fight is on! KroniK are doing Big Guy Moves™ all over the place! Pumphandles are being slammed! There’s a SICK BURN from Stevie Ray on commentary about Clark’s fake Oakleys but even that won’t keep 3 Count from being defeated – Evan gets a double chokeslam and that’s your informal match over.

The other announcers then get mad at Tony Schiavone for being thankful that we didn’t get to hear 3 Count perform, and rightly so. BE SUPPORTIVE OF YOUNG ARTISTS, TONY! YOU JERK!