In his WWE documentary, CM Punk stated that he “feels sorry for anyone who doesn’t have tattoos”. Here are some reasons why this is a silly thing to say, with evidence of some truly regrettable tattoos sourced from the backs of his fellow wrestlers.
PLEASE NOTE: We’re only looking at terrible back tattoos here, so shut up about Batista’s belly button.
1. Matt Morgan
“Hi, I’d like a scary monster face tattooed on my back, please. Kind of like Brock Lesnar’s, but worse.”
“Absolutely! How much worse than Brock’s do you want it to be?”
“Much, MUCH worse.”
“Of course – maybe if we made it look like the half-finished doodles of an angsty teenager, how does that sound?”
2. Randy Orton
Randy Orton’s back tattoo is a symbol of his ancestral affiliation with the Douché:bag tribe of Missouri, who were famous for their complex war dance that involved throwing a temper tantrum, shitting in a handbag and getting suspended for a wellness policy violation.
This one is actually pretty adorable! Maybe Santino just really likes lions? We love Santino and we love lions.
“GRAAAAAAARGGGGH THIS IS GUNNER BROTHER I NEED A BACK TATTOO THAT REPRESENTS MY INTENSITY GRAAAARGH KIND OF LIKE BROCK LESNAR’S MODERN DAY VIKING BROTHERRRRRR.”
“Certainly sir, maybe a scary skull? Like Ghost Rider’s head?”
“GRAAAAAAAAAAAARGH THAT’LL DO JUST MAKE SURE IT’S INTEEEEEEEEEENSE FIVE DOLLAR WRESTLING IS KIlLLING THE BUSINESS GRAAAAARGH.”
5. Bray Wyatt
So THAT’S the reason why Bray Wyatt wrestles with a shirt on! I’m guessing he was listening to a lot of Evanescence when he decided that an ‘evil angel wings’ back tattoo was the way to go.
6. Michael Cole
It’s definitely a terrible tattoo, but I couldn’t find any pictures where you can see it clearly enough to make it out. It looks like two people’s faces so… could it be his parents? Is that something Michael Cole would do? Michael Cole, why would you do something like that?
7. Mr Anderson
It’s possible that this shitty tribal back tattoo is evidence of Mr Anderson’s commitment to his ‘asshole and proud’ character. That wouldn’t make it any better, but YOU GOTTA ADMIRE A DUDE WHO LIVES HIS GIMMICK, BROTHER.
8. Hulk Hogan
I only found out about this one today, and it really bummed me out. I’m not sure why – it’s not like the Hulkster’s been keeping his midlife crisis a secret, but I just didn’t realise it had gone this far. On the bright side though, it could have been worse! He could have gotten a terrible back tattoo of himself:
9. Lance Hoyt
Hey Google, if I start searching for ‘Lance Hoyt’ (aka Vance Archer in WWE), what do you think I’m looking for?
WOAH HOW’D YOU KNOW??!
THE KING OF ALL TERRIBLE BACK TATTOOS. Really, where do you even begin with this? There’s so much going on and it’s all so terrible! Still, at least he’s managed to sell a few t-shirts off the back of it (PUN SORT OF INTENDED, SORRY GUYS):