News for the week of September 2, 2013
- Shocking reports have been flying in that Triple H’s real name is Hunter Hearst Helmsley.
- Sin Cara is not being advertised for WWE’s upcoming tour of Mexico. The word going around is that he will indeed be there but how he will get injured is still unknown.
- It is currently in the plans for Randy Orton to stay in the WWE title picture in some capacity until January. One inside source noted that Triple H, Stephanie McMahon, and Vince McMahon are huge fans of Orton’s work ethic and love that he always shares his baby oil with them.
- Kane is set to be written off TV soon in his feud with Bray Wyatt so he can film the highly anticipated sequel “See No Evil 2.” Vince McMahon has called several meetings with high end WWE personnel and Hollywood execs to determine how many inches Kane’s prop penis should be in the movie.
- Our sources say that Tyson Kidd is set to be launched straight into a big angle upon his return from injury. Following on from his appearance on ‘Total Divas’ (where he was characterised as a pathetic loser unable to sexually satisfy Natalya), the plan is that he will be mocked relentlessly by Triple H for “being bad at doing sex.” This will be a featured spot on Raw every week for approximately six months, ultimately culminating in Kidd being Pedigreed in the middle of the ring while Stephanie and Vince laugh and point and Randy Orton defecates in Natalya’s handbag.
- In a recent interview Bully Ray claimed that “Aces and Eights” was his idea and that it was based off of overrated guitarist, Zakk Wylde and his band, Black Label Society. This is false. Eric Bischoff is said to be irate about Bully Ray lying about the origins of TNA’s biker gang stable, with sources saying that Bischoff could be heard yelling “but I’m the biker guy” over and over from his office and even going so far as trying to work “vroom vroom” into regular conversations.
- AJ Styles recently signed a three month extension with TNA with reports saying he will sign a longer contract if they offer him enough money. A source close to Styles went on the record to say “He will sign a really long contract if the money is right. It can be at least twenty feet long but the width has to be normal loose-leaf paper sized, ya’ know?”
- Mickie James has completed another country music album. Reports are saying that everyone at TNA who has received a copy has DEFINITELY listened to it, with most describing it as “…yeah! Really good! Really good stuff, well done! I really liked that one song… uh… you know, the first one? So good. You should be so proud.”
- New Japan Pro Wrestling has announced that all future iPPVs will have an option for English commentary, with the rumored name going around for the role being Matt Striker. I can personally confirm that he will be annoying and self-aggrandizing.
- Lance Storm recently stated on Twitter that Shane Helms’ fiancée has better buttocks than Miley Cyrus. In response to a picture of the soon to be Mrs. Hurricane’s gluteus maximus , Storm replied with “wow.” More on this story as it happens.
- At a local PWG show in California, a heavyset fan sat on a chair until it collapsed. Sources say fans went to the nearest Lowe’s after the show to start a “You Fucked Up” chant.
- Capitalizing on the success of ‘Kevin Steen: Hell Rising’, Ring of Honor has been hard at work on more DVDs that they can release and then almost immediately withdraw for legal reasons. These will include ‘Hell Rising 2: Another 101 Reasons Why Jim Cornette Can Literally Go Fuck Himself’, ‘Bathroom Shenanigans feat. Michael Elgin’ and ‘Jay Briscoe Explains It All’.