• Tag Archives: The Merch Table

    The Merch Table: WWE Slam Crate Special

    Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.

    Every so often, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this week: WWE SLAM CRATE SPECIAL

    Everybody loves a mystery, and while things like Loot Crate, the Funko Pop boxes and assorted other bi-monthly collections of random bullshit are a relatively new phenomenon, wrestling promotions have a proud history of taking advantage of their fans being idiot rubes – just consider TNA’s infamous Brown Bag Special, as previously covered here on The Merch Table.

    So, it was inevitable that WWE was going to get into this and they teamed up with LootCrate to do their own mystery box of nonsense called the WWE Slam Crate, which goes for about $30, plus another $5 for shipping. I am a professional merchologist, so I was delighted to sign up to see what kind of stuff they’d send. SPOILERS: I hated it!

    OKAY. So, as advertised, it comes in a crate. Kind of?

    It’s technically just a box, but whatever, they’re the same shape. It has that classic “black on black” style so it’s close to impossible to read the text.

    When you open it up though, you’ll see that there’s a surprising amount of crap in this thing!

    open-box

    WOW WHERE TO BEGIN. I guess with the bigger items? Let’s see how that goes. Continue reading →

    The Merch Table: Suplex City, Bitch

    Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.

    Every so often, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this week: SUPLEX CITY, BITCH.

    RedBubble has 60 different “Suplex City, Bitch” t-shirts. Yes, really. I’m now going to look at every single one of the bastards because fuck you and fuck me. LET’S GET STARTED.

    1

    Okay, Brock’s mad old face in the background, great. Cool. Lovely stuff.

    2

    The text underneath says “break necks, kill egos”. I don’t know why.

    3

    He is quite literally performing a suplex onto a city there! How about that?!?

    4

    The exclamation mark really drives it home.

    Continue reading →

    The Merch Table: Top 10 Worst Holiday Gifts for Wrestling Fans 2014

    Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.

    Every week, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this week: TOP 10 WORST HOLIDAY GIFTS FOR WRESTLING FANS 2014.

    With only one shopping day left until Christmas, now’s the perfect time to reveal our holiday gift guide! Except this is the opposite of that – these are the things you really shouldn’t get a wrestling fan, unless you actively dislike them (which is probably fair enough, given that most wrestling fans are creeps or jerks). As always, hover over the pics for BONUS GAGS (or don’t, it’s your life). LET’S GET STARTED.

    1) AJ Lee Ponytail Baseball Cap

    cap

    April Jeanette “Ape” Mendez-Lee-Punker-Brooks (shoot name) is an attractive young lady, but that really doesn’t translate too well to baseball cap form. This whole thing makes no sense to me, is it meant to be… cosplay? Is this what cosplay is? Let’s see if the description makes it any clearer:

    cap-desc

    “You can have hair just like the Divas!” No mate, that’s not what’ll happen when you wear this. That’s not what’ll happen at all.

    2) John Cena Nutcracker

    cena-cracker

    Jesus Christ. Let’s take a closer look:

    cena-cracker1

    ALRIGHT LET’S NOT TAKE A CLOSER LOOK, THAT’S REAL BAD STUFF.

    Continue reading →

    The Merch Table: King of Swag Style, Shinsuke Nakamura

    Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.

    Every so often, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this time though, it’s a celebration of one man’s posing abilities: King of Swag Style, Shinsuke Nakamura.

    One of the finest things in life is when wrestlers are forced to pose wearing their own merch, mostly because it almost always looks SUPER cringey. I used to run the ‘Awkward TNA Picture of the Week’ as a feature here because of the sheer volume of terrible pictures featured on ShopTNA. Check out a few of my favourites below:

    tna-awkward

    Yeah, no surprises that Mr. Anderson got featured more than once. Anyway, there’s an exception to every rule – in this case, it’s New Japan’s own Shinsuke Nakamura (seen below getting beat up by Hello Kitty):

    hello-shinsuke

    It’s already well established that I am both the Internet’s foremost authority on puroresu AND its leading wrestling merchologist, so it was inevitable that my two passions would finally collide. On PuroResuShop.com, Shinsuke has a fairly astonishing amount of merch to pose with. However, not only does he look FANTASTIC in every picture, he’s somehow managed to strike a different scintillating pose in each one. LET’S GET STARTED.

    King of Strong Style shirt

    snblack

    Slightly biting his lip but projecting confidence as he clenches his fists. We also get a nice view of him from the back too, but where is his right arm? That’s for Shinsuke to know… and for us to find out 😉

    SWAG RATING: 8/10
    Continue reading →

    The Merch Table: What The Fuck, Paige Fans

    Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.

    Every so often, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this time: What The Fuck, Paige Fans.

    Just a short one this week. I was on the WWE Auctions site today, which is a testament to just how terrible wrestling fans are with money. You’ve got people spending $360 on a used chair, over $700 on a director’s slate, and $310 on pieces of a broken table (the last of which would be seen as ACTUAL GARBAGE in pretty much any other industry aside from wrestling).

    However, nothing compares to the money being splashed around by Paige fans, who I’m now convinced are all absolute fucking psychopaths. You’ll see what I mean. LET’S GET STARTED.

    Paige signed t-shirt

    Alright, cool. It’s a Paige t-shirt – not one she wore or anything, just one she signed. Typically, these go for between $100 and $200 on the WWE Auctions site. How much do you think Paige’s went for?

    paige-shirt

    YEAH. YEAH. $2,010. WE’RE NOT FUCKING AROUND HERE. Let’s have a look at the heroes who were bidding on this incredible collectible:

    shirt-bids

    Nhronis is setting the pace here as the number one connoisseur of Paige collectibles. Do you think we’ll see him dominate the rest of the listings… or will a challenger emerge? Continue reading →

    The Merch Table: WWF Spring/Summer 1992 Catalog Special

    Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.

    Every so often, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this time: WWF Spring/Summer 1992 Catalog Special.

    Hey, remember the ’90s? The clothes, the hair, what were we thinking?! I guess the cartoons were pretty good though. Anyway, terrible segues aside, one thing I remember about the ’90s is DESPERATELY wanting WWF merch but never being able to get it – sure, I had the action figures and the trading cards, but I wanted MORE and my main window into wrestling merchandise nirvana was the WWF catalog.

    The catalog came with every issue of the WWF magazine and I’ve managed to get a hold of one, thanks to good brother @AlexanderME. It’s the Spring/Summer 1992 edition, to be precise, and I’m proud to present to you some beautiful hi-res scans (or at least as hi-res as my mediocre scanner allows):

    Done wallowing in nostalgia? Cool, because now I’m going to make fun of all of it. LET’S GET STARTED.

    Hulk Hogan camera

    hulk-camera

    Oh, okay, so it’s a Hulk Hogan branded camera, that’s pretty simple, right? WRONG. Just check out the description:

    camera-disc

    “Hulk Hogan will appear on every photo you take!” Wait… what? I’m pretty sure that’s the plot of, like, three Japanese horror films. Why would you want to welcome such demonic witchcraft into your life for £11 (plus shipping and handling)?

    Hulk Hogan hand-cut t-shirt

    hogan-shirt

    Apparently, this is ‘hand-cut’, which is complete BULLSHIT – every true Hulkamaniac knows that the Hulkster used his bare hands to tear his shirts into whatever style he saw fit, he wouldn’t need to cut them.

    Hulk Hogan workout bear

    hulk-teddy

    What makes him a workout bear?

    teddy-disc

    Oh, of course, his workout wear. The workout bear in his workout wear / here to pump some iron like he just don’t care / flexing his muscles so you stop and stare / don’t come at him, bro, you ain’t got a prayer. (“The Workout Bear Rap”, Wrestling On Earth Records, 2014). Continue reading →

    The Merch Table: PWTees Podcast Shirts Special

    Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.

    Every so often, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this time: PWTees Podcast Shirts Special.

    Pro Wrestling Tees is a cool concept for wrestlers to sell shirts to fans, but one thing I wasn’t aware of until recently is the Podcast and YouTube Shows section. I was kind of amazed at the number of shows who were selling stuff there, so I decided to do some investigative reporting and deduce:

    1) What kind of shirts are these guys selling anyway?

    2) Is anyone actually buying them?

    3) Should Wrestling On Earth jump on board the PWTees train and start making megabuck$$$?

    All very important questions, I’m sure you’ll agree. So, without further ado, LET’S GET STARTED.

    DaShawn’s 2 Cents

    Oh DaShawn. If you’re unfamiliar with DaShawn, he’s the fella responsible for this supreme slice of awkwardness featuring Joey Ryan, Brian Kendrick and Wrestling On Earth’s number one sweetheart, Paul London:

    Yeah, it’s… it’s pretty rough stuff. Does DaShawn have t-shirts? OF COURSE HE DOES! Let’s check them out.

    classic_logo_2

    Of course, the classic DaShawn’s 2 Cents logo. The recognised symbol of excellence in sports entertainment podcasting.

    extreme_2_cents

    Oh, an ECW parody shirt! That’s always fun and original. Do you think we’ll see any more parody shirts from other podcasts? God, I hope so!

    kool_aid

    I, uh… I don’t know what’s going on here. DaShawn, can you explain?

    Fair enough then.

    Is anyone actually buying them?

    I went straight to the source and asked DaShawn on Twitter. Here’s his response:

    ANSWER: Yeah, alright mate, whatever you say.

    Continue reading →

    The Merch Table: TNA Summer Special

    Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.

    Every so often, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this time: TNA Summer Special.

    I’ve covered TNA on The Merch Table a few times before (here, here and here, in case you were curious), but I keep coming back to them. They’re just so much more interesting than WWE!

    For one, while WWE merch generally seems like it’s been focus grouped and market-tested to the point that it’s all broadly acceptable and boring as fuck, TNA stuff comes across as completely unsupervised. What’s more, they have unmoderated reviews for pretty much every single piece of merch, which adds another delicious dash of madness to everything. LET’S GET STARTED.

    Samuel Shaw t-shirt

    creepy

    THIS IS NOT SOMETHING THAT ANYONE SHOULD BE WEARING, LEAST OF ALL WRESTLING FANS. Let’s see what the reviews have to say!

    creepy-review

    Remy, are you talking from some experience here? Can we confirm Remy as a REAL creepy bastard?!?! Regardless, I think I can concur with him: WORSE. SHIRT. EVER.

    Willow umbrella

    umbrella-review

    God bless Jeff Hardy for convincing a company to let him run around as his high school art project on national television, and God bless TNA for trying to sell an umbrella for $40. Unsurprisingly, the response has been a little mixed:

    umbrella-review-3

    “Dudes make money off ass holes” THAT’S CALLED CAPITALISM BROTHER, FUCK OFF BACK TO RUSSIA IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT.

    umbrella-review-2

    Honestly, I can’t see “be triangular” taking off as a catchphrase, but bless him for trying.

    umbrella-review-1

    “Titantium or something that will last for centuries”, mate, sit down. Continue reading →

    The Merch Table: WrestleMania 30 Shit-Show Spectacular

    Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.

    Every week, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this week: WRESTLEMANIA 30 SHIT-SHOW SPECTACULAR.

    Every year, WWE pushes out a tidal wave of crap to coincide with the GRANDDADDY OF THEM ALL, WrestleMania. This year’s no exception, so if you’re attending the show and want a look at all the crap that you can waste your money on at the WrestleMania Superstore, you’re in the right place! LET’S GET STARTED.

    WrestleMania Plush Alligator

    gator

    Hey, look at this happy little guy! What a fun character, he’s not so… wait, what happened to his arms? Why are they tiny stumps? Did a barrel of thalidomide get dumped into his swamp or something?

    WrestleMania Piggy Bank

    piggy-bank

    Brother, if you’re spending $20 on this, then a piggy bank’s probably not going to be enough to help you sort out your financial situation. Continue reading →

    The Merch Table: CZW Special

    Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.

    Every week, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this week: CZW SPECIAL.

    I don’t get CZW, but I feel like I should. There’s a couple of ways ways I could go about rectifying this – the first option is to go through their back catalogue and making a concentrated effort to understand and appreciate this much maligned company (as opposed to just watching Botchamania’s annual compilation of their best-worst moments):

    However, that’d take time and energy, so instead I’m just going to scroll through their online shop and make snarky comments about merchandise for wrestlers I’ve almost no familiarity with! YEAH.

    Will I come out of this experience with a greater appreciation of The Dub? ANSWER: Probably not! LET’S GET STARTED.

    DJ Hyde t-shirt

    deej-of-oz

    I thought I had a decent understanding of the kind of guy DJ Hyde was, but now I see he has a shirt with an irony-free reference to the James Franco-starring Wizard of Oz prequel, I’m questioning everything. Thankfully, the guy writing the descriptions for the CZW merch site doesn’t get it either:

    does-he-fuck

    DJ Hyde: a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a stupid t-shirt. Continue reading →