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News for the Week of October 14, 2013

 WWE

• At Hell In A Cell, John Cena will be returning much earlier than originally expected from his injury time off. WWE swayed Cena into returning early as there is no way the bruise on his elbow is as painful as the bruise to Triple H‘s ego with current ratings and PPV success at a record low.

•  Shawn Michaels has revealed that WWE is working on a DVD that highlights his best Wrestlemania matches. This is part of a three DVD deal that will also include “HBK Post-Retirement Returns: Part 1” and “Shootin’ With Shawn Michaels,” which is literally just him hunting in the woods.

•  The Green Power Ranger wants to fight CM Punk in MMA. Seriously. Paul Heyman has been begging WWE management to make this happen in a hope of getting anyone better than Curtis Axel and Ryback to save his current feud with Punk.
  

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TNA

• James Storm is currently pitching a reality show about him opening his own bar. It should also be noted that everyone he pitches the show to doesn’t have a clue as to who he is and they always end the meeting by telling him “Sorry about your damn luck.”

• Rumors have Hulk Hogan returning to TNA with a contract as handsome as Brooke Hogan’s facial features. In related news, Eric Bischoff was seen backstage reading “Voodoo for Dummies” while holding a Dixie Carter action figure.

•  Those in the know claim the Bobby Roode Hall of Fame segment was all planned by the minds of Daniels, Kaz and Roode. The only written part was Kurt Angle coming out and using homophobic insults. That was 100% TNA writing staff.

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Other

• A DVD of Matt Striker putting on a wrestling clinic was released recently. A group of staticians have determined that the spike in new internet snark marks can be attributed to this very DVD.

• Matt Morgan made his return to pro wrestling this weekend. We can exclusively report he smokes cigarettes and is not 7 feet tall.

• Lance Storm took a shot at Christy Hemme’s outfit choices this week. She is added to the list of public libraries, Tom Cruise‘s height, Daniel Bryan’s oceanic activities, non-athletes who react to sports, the principles of a boycott, and ballroom dancing on Lance’s hit list. What will Storm trash next? Stay tuned to ScoopZone Elite.