The Merch Table: Commercials Special

Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.

Every week, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this week: COMMERCIALS SPECIAL.

Commercials for wrestling merchandise are often more interesting than the products they’re meant to be advertising, especially when the wrestlers are starring in them – when you get wrestlers doing anything but wrestle, you’re really rolling the dice.

Obviously, the undisputed king of shilling merch is and always will be Don West. I haven’t featured him in this column, if only because a) it’d make all the others look terrible in comparison and b) his merch-selling masterpieces tend to be, like, 12 minutes long. With that disclaimer out the way, LET’S GET STARTED.

WWF catalog commercial, starring Dusty Rhodes and Sapphire

This is the BEST. I could watch Dusty sell anything – anyone who’s not in the market for an ‘Ultimate Warrior SUHCK CUHP’ after watching this is DEAD inside.

His dynamic with Sapphire is also something that makes me laugh every time – he’s clearly frustrated by her being completely clueless, but he’s so locked into the happy-go-lucky Dusty character that it’s just bubbling under the surface. Continue reading →

Beer Money vs. LAX vs. Team 3D vs. Abyss & Matt Morgan: Bound for Glory 2008

Many sites have a match of the week but ours is a little different. These matches are the ones that are fun to watch… in the non-traditional way.

This week, we’ve chosen Beer Money vs. LAX vs. Team 3D vs. Abyss & Matt Morgan in a Monster’s Ball Tag Team match from Bound for Glory 2008, with Steve ‘Mongo’ McMichael as the special guest referee. Basically, it’s 28 minutes of madness. Members of the site @TimWelcomed, @typicalROHfan and @TomBlackett give their (lack of) expertise on the action.

Part 1: Bound for Mongo

Tim:

This is only the FIFTH time a Monster’s Ball had happened, guys. First out is the man, the legend, Steve “Mongo” McM…LOOK AT HIS HAIR. LOOK AT IT. The half jersey/ref shirt looks hideous. But also, look at Mongo’s hair. We get the contestants’ entrances. Just look at Mongo’s hair though.

typicalROHfan:

LAX and Beer Money are the two of the best tag teams in TNA history. Team 3D/The Dudleyz are arguably the most successful tag team in wrestling history. Matt Morgan…………… has had the most failed tag teams in wrestling history. Abyss is wearing white one month after Labor Day. Mongo McMichael has a grandma haircut and a creepy looking half football jersey/half referee shirt. Plus there’s weapons. You just KNOW this is gonna be something special.

Tom:

As Mongo makes his way down to the ring, Don West asks ‘could this be any more perfect?’ and you know what? I’m not sure it could be. Mongo looks like a middle-aged mother of three, and not the sexy Adam Cole kind. His haircut is amazing. The way he coyly strips out of his top is even better. The glasses come off too, and brother, he’s READY.

Also, with Monster’s Ball, isn’t the deal meant to be that they were kept deprived of sleep and food in a dungeon for a few days before the match? I remember in the early ones, everyone would come down to the ring looking all disorientated and unhappy and that was kinda fun/stupid, but they all look normal(ish) here. Continue reading →

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