Pro Wrestling NOAH was once a proud wrestling promotion in Japan. They never really recovered though after the in-ring death of Mitsuharu Misawa though and have been in a decline ever since. They are now being run by the red-hot NJPW, and the Suzuki-gun stable from NJPW has been doing a hostile-takeover of the product.
With all that said, it’s time to drum up some excitement for NOAH. What better way to do that than with poetry, by
legendary artist, TJ Hawke.
Note from Tom: Hi gang, it’s The Big Dog here. First things first – TJ wrote that introduction himself and he is NOT a legendary artist, so I had to amend it out of respect for the only true legendary artist: Ilyass.
Anyway, his poem isn’t very good but he a) tried his best and b) takes a shot at Taz, so I guess it’s not completely without merit.
The first entry concerns Minoru Suzuki defending the GHC Heavyweight Championship against Yoshihiro Takayama.
GHC title match was fabs.
MiSu sort of has abs.
Taz whines about stolen towels.
MiSu makes lions lose bowels.
Takayama is old as fuck.
Suzuki-gun runs amok.
Don’t miss Suzuki-gun a ton.
Hope they’re sent to the sun.
MiSu causes many scars.
Match is 3 and 1/2 stars.
Shelly Deathlock cares too much about Japanese wrestling and, as Captain of the S.S. Strong Style, she’s here to welcome you on board and fill you in on what’s going on in the world of puro. Today she’ll discuss why Minoru Suzuki is going to be your new favorite wrestler.
Maybe it wasn’t Shinsuke Nakamura walking that long Tokyo Dome ramp in a crown and cape and proceeding to have an incredible match against Kota Ibushi that got you newly invested (or re-invested!) in New Japan Pro Wrestling.
Maybe it was the guy with the crazy hair all in white looking like some kind of actual murderer and/or video game final boss coming out to a haunting theme song you’ve only heard rivaled in epicness by Real American.
Minoru Suzuki at Wrestle Kingdom 9, by satomi
That man was Minoru Suzuki, and he’s probably going to be your favorite wrestler in a minute, once you overcome the mental blocks that stand in the way of your potential.
The following stages describe what many humans have to go through to reach a place of reasonable acceptance and harmony with being a Suzuki fan, as he is a complex and difficult entity heretofore unseen in professional wrestling. You may move through these stages swiftly or you may work through one for months or years — that depends on a number of factors unique to you as an individual — but we can all reach the final stage. Trust me, my BS is in psychology.
Stage 1 of Minoru Suzuki fandom: Fear; abject terror.
Are you kidding me, Deathlock!? No way. Look at that guy. That guy could kill me with his mind a thousand miles away. Also what is with his hair. No sane man has hair like that. That man gives no fucks and he can stay away from me and off of my TV forever, thank you very much.
Okay, fair point. You stay at this stage as long as you need to. Nobody’s going to force you to progress until you’re ready. Just give it some thought. Come back later. Click to read more if you’re ready to move on to stage 2.