Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.
Every week, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this week: TOP 10 WORST HOLIDAY GIFTS FOR WRESTLING FANS.
First things first, this week’s column is inspired by (i.e. shamelessly rips off) Chris Sims’ excellent 10 Worst Holiday Gifts for Comic Book Readers over at Comics Alliance. It’s a very fun read, and it’s a great reminder of how tricky the holiday season can be when you’re known to be a fan of something like comics or wrestling.
Simply put, there’s an awful lot of rubbish out there that well-meaning friends and relatives could gift you because “this is the kind of thing you like, right?” and… well, if I can do anything to stop people from receiving any of the following items, then my life will finally have some meaning. LET’S GET STARTED.
1) Triple H: Thy Kingdom Come DVD.
The only possible reason you’d buy this is to put the final nail in the coffin of somebody’s Triple H fandom. The match selection is mostly fine, but it’s the documentary that’s guaranteed to grate, given that it consists solely of a cycle of sycophants explaining how important and revolutionary Triple H was to the wrestling business while the man himself tells us he was ‘never meant to make it’ (because we all know how much Vince hates big muscly guys with well-conditioned hair and a dickish sense of humour).
However, it’s not all bad – there’s some fun footage of Stephanie and Triple H’s wedding, featuring Linda McMahon wearing what looks like one of those giant spiders from Resident Evil:
2) Autographed Dixie Carter action figure.
I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: there is no good reason for anyone to own a Dixie Carter action figure. Shockingly, these ‘exclusive’ items are still in stock at ShopTNA even though it’s been months since they were first released – could it be that all of TNA’s current financial woes are thanks to them investing too heavily in pieces of plastic shaped like their president? I don’t know for sure, but it sounds about right to me. Expect to see these in a landfill near you soon! Continue reading