It is time to name The Sexy Wrestler of The Week!
A week ago I noticed a suspicious folder that was put on my desk at Wrestling On Earth HQ. I’ve been locked out of there for about six months now and only got back in last week when I found my key in an empty bag of Funyuns by my inflatable pool, so no telling how long it has been sitting there.
I opened up the folder to find a picture. It was a very peculiar photograph to be exact. My first thought was that my ex-roommate was trying to play a prank on me. He is still very angry at me for kicking him out of the house. As I thought about it a while longer I came to the realization that he could not have possibly done this as his Photoshop skills are that of a seal covered in baby oil. Slippery, comical, and nonexistent.
I realized I needed some fresh air so I grabbed all of the Sexy Wrestler of The Week votes that were left to count and hopped on a plane to my home away from home, Mount Rushmore. I did what I always do when I need some time to clear my head. I set up a tent, tallied some of your votes, and let the stone-faced spirits of the United States flow upon me.
My third eye was awoken with a sharp blast of red, white, and blue. My chakras were connected by the very fabric that Betsy Ross and her powerful hands forged together in a woven fervor to create the national flag. I was The Eagle. I was Plymouth Rock. I was not taxating without representating (yeah, that’s right) and at this moment I knew who I was and what I should do. I needed to go home and party with my friends and loved ones.
On the plane ride back I finished tallying your votes and when I saw who the winner was this week my mind was blown. It was the wrestler who was in the photo on my desk. Was this a sign? It is Spring so I’m always a little bit too connected with nature for my own good around this time of year. I decided I wouldn’t over-think it. I finally arrived at my house. I then hooked up all of my black lights and started burning my favorite dance playlist “Moby I Did, Moby I Didn’t” on to discs. This was going to be quite the party. No one showed up. A lot of my friends had hair appointments and my sister said some family was in town that she had to visit with so I understood. They would’ve all been there if they could.
I was a little let down until I decided to look at that picture again. Then it happened. The black lights brought something significant to the surface. A phone number had appeared on the picture. This really was fate. I never should have doubted myself in the oneness of Spring. I called the number and it was answered by popular stump photographer, Leo Mimps. He said he would do an interview with me for a price. Needless to say, here we are. Before I reveal the interview I will reveal that The Sexy Wrestler of The Week is none other than Bray Wyatt. Here is THE photograph.
Me: What do we have here?
Mimps: Some glorious stumps, my friend. Exquisitely crafted by years of the harsh environment.
Me: Ah, yes. But why did you think the tremendous readers of Wrestling On Earth would find this particular photo intriguing?
Mimps: Harumph, well… if you look closely behind the two magnificent stumps and the dominating alpha tree you will see something peculiar, my dear boy. It may be a bit blurry as it wasn’t the focal point for this work of art but I strongly believe that is none other than Bray Wyatt sleeping in a giant sausage, egg, and cheese McMuffi-
Me: Be more generic. Our marketing deal went awry awhile back.
Mimps: Oh, right. Well, it’s Bray Wyatt sleeping in a giant breakfast sandwich from a popular fast food chain.
Me: It seems to be rotted. I question this as it is known he eats worlds. If he eats worlds and sleeps on food, do you think he may be very confused about how things work?
Mimps: Look, I don’t know.
Me: Well, thanks for joining us.
Mimps: Stay stumping, my good man. I’d also like to take this time to tell your readers about the dangers of dealing with doctors.
Me: I’m sorry. We are out of time.
Mimps: I say, boy. Fuck this nonsense.
So there you have it. He may be an interesting character in the ring but Bray Wyatt is just as wild outside and I bet he smells! That is super sexy in the world of wrestling. I would like to thank Leo Mimps for his contribution although I feel like, for the sake of transparency, I should tell you he seemed like a really bad person and even threw a lit cigarette into the office trash can, causing a lot of damage. He also sucks at photography. Who only photographs stumps? Don’t forget to cast your votes for next week! Bye!