For some reason, my brother-in-law decided that going to the WWE house show tomorrow would be a good time. He’s going to find out how wrong he was.
Of the eight people going, only myself and my wife watch wrestling with any sort of regularity, so I was asked to create a prep sheet to let everyone know:
a) Who all the wrestlers are;
b) What their deal is;
c) If they’re actually nice people or not (since they’re smart enough to know that wrestlers are often kinda awful and they’d rather not cheer for anyone who’s a big old jerk in real life).
I’ve had to condense things down and make a few assumptions, but here’s my prep sheet for everyone that’s been announced for the show.
John Cena
Basically the modern day Hulk Hogan. Beloved by kids, big strong guy, never gives up. Wears colourful shirts. Occassionally raps and tells bad jokes.
Is he a nice guy?
I mean, he does a lot of Make-A-Wish stuff, though I think he might not be the coolest guy in town to hang out with. Comes across as a bad boyfriend to fellow wrestler Nikki Bella in the 100% truthful reality show ‘Total Divas’.
Seth Rollins
Two-tone hair. Dresses like ’90s Batman. Very good at being an obnoxious jerk. Stamps on people’s heads. Has a gold briefcase.
Is he a nice guy?
Likely to be lovely for reals.
Randy Orton
Oily dude. Dumb sleeve tattoos. His dad was ‘Cowboy’ Bob Orton. Responsible for that ‘RKO outta nowhere’ viral nonsense you might have seen.
Is he a nice guy?
Nicer than he used to be but that’s not saying much because he used to poop in ladies’ bags. Prone to temper tantrums. Still seems like a bit of a nasty piece of work.
Kane
Used to wear a mask and be a monster. Now he doesn’t wear a mask, has an unfortunate hairline and looks like an angry dad. Needs to go away.
Is he a nice guy?
Libertarian, so probably has some difficult views on certain political issues but seems like he’s probably an alright guy for the most part.
Chris Jericho
Used to be good. Looks like a problematic Bon Jovi. Got tattoos at the age of 40. Almost certainly owns multiple pairs of red jeans. “Cool dad”. Has a cringey podcast.
Is he a nice guy?
Maybe for short bursts but seems like he’d be very hard work for any longer than a few minutes at a time.
Dolph Ziggler
Sort of like if Shawn Michaels and Billy Gunn had a baby but not as good as that sounds. Current Intercontinental champion. Bounces around a lot. Wears dumb shirts. I don’t like his hair.
Is he a nice guy?
His Twitter’s lame as fuck but I don’t think he’s an actively bad person.
Luke Harper
Big sweaty evil trucker with mad eyes. Black hankerchief in his left back pocket signifies that he’s a heavy S&M top. Crazy old beard.
Is he a nice guy?
Probably a bit smelly but likely very pleasant.
The Usos
Rikishi’s kids. Currently accumulating mass and should be great big lads like their dad in a couple of years, so definitely keep an eye on that. Pretty good fun. Wear shiny shorts and facepaint.
Are they nice guys?
Yeah, they seem pretty okay. Jimmy or Jey (can’t remember which) is married to fellow wrestler Naomi and they come across as the most fun couple on the definitely not-staged ‘Total Divas’.
The Miz
Was on ‘The Real World’ and has been in a few straight-to-DVD movies so now has the persona of a smarmy Hollywood actor guy. Was WWE champion briefly but we don’t talk about that these days. Tag team champion with Damien Mizdow.
Is he a nice guy?
Seems like a dickhead.
Damien Mizdow
Currently acting as The Miz’s ‘stunt double’, which means he does exactly what The Miz does at all times. The actual best. One of the few reasons to watch WWE.
Is he a nice guy?
Solid beard. Probably a pretty decent dude.
Big Show
Great big giant bald guy. Slow and boring. Another one who should go away.
Is he a nice guy?
Get the feeling he’s a grumpy jerk.
Erick Rowan
Great big giant bald guy w/ mad red beard. Wears a jumpsuit. Cracking arse.
Is he a nice guy?
Undetermined, probably fine. That arse though, wow.
Ryback
Great big giant bald guy in a fancy airbrushed singlet. Shouts about stuff.
Is he a nice guy?
Probably not.
Jack Swagger
Dumb haircut. Has lisp. Boring. Fairly racist gimmick.
Is he a nice guy?
Seems like a dummy.
The Bella Twins
Twins. Nikki has big fake boobs, Brie doesn’t.
Are they nice gals?
Sure, they’re probably alright. Brie is married to the currently injured wrestler and confirmed sweetheart Daniel Bryan so that’s a good sign that she’s nice. Even though Nikki’s in a weird relationship with John Cena (ANOTHER SCOOP FROM THE REALEST REALITY SHOW EVER, ‘TOTAL DIVAS’), she has a box full of vibrators and seems like a laugh.
Paige
From Norwich, England (home of The Mustard Shop). Screams a bunch. Pale. Has lots of creepy fans.
Is she a nice gal?
Yeah, she’s likely a delight. Those fans of hers though, yikes.
Adrian Neville
From Newcastle, England (not home of The Mustard Shop). Deliciously muscled. Hair is prone to frizziness. Difficult accent. Does a whole bunch of fun high-flying moves.
Is he a nice guy?
Definitely yes, he seems like a good guy.
Sami Zayn
Looks a bit like a skinny Seth Rogen. Super fun to watch, most likeable guy ever. Will be the best wrestler you’ll see at the show.
Is he a nice guy?
A million per cent yes.
– You can tell Tom how much you hate his opinions on Dolph Ziggler’s hair and Erick Rowan’s arse by tweeting @TomBlargh.