Our controversial opinion sharer Nightlife has returned with The Blast Zone! Don’t expect any punches to be pulled as he fearlessly puts the world of wrestling on BLAST!
Hey guys it’s me, Nightlife (@AnimeKing420), and I’m back. It’s been a while, and I was considering hanging up my vintage ECW shirt that I bought off of wweshop.com in 2008, which I wear every time I write up one of these rants. The anger just wasn’t there as it used to be.
But then, WWE (who I will from henceforth REFUSE to use their “proper” name) did the unthinkable:
THEY PISSED ME OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What did New York do THIS time, you ask??? If you weren’t a STUPID MARK with your HEAD buried in the Internet sand, you would KNOW the reason:
THEY FIRED JTG!!!
For those of you who aren’t familiar with JTG, he is the central figure in 90% of wrestling memes. Want a quick, easy laugh? Use the tried-and-true image macro of JTG with “still employed” superimposed over the bottom of the image. Guaranteed upvotes on Reddit and mod favor on 420chan’s wrestling board.
That’s right, true believers. The ‘E has finally done it: they’ve WAGED WAR on the TRUE fans!
BLAST-O-METER RATING: 5
And it doesn’t stop there, oh no. For you see, Paul’s Playground (yeah, I used Hunter’s REAL NAME!!!!!) has done more than just fire JTG. They have also fired:
Curt Hawkins
Hawkins had the potential to EASILY be the next CM Punk if The Company Formerly Known As The WWF would actually READ my unsolicited emails where I tell them the surefire way to get Curt Hawkins over by having him lose a squash match on RAW, then suddenly stop selling and grab a mic forcefully from one of the announcers, calling said announcer a “fat cunt” and the censor comes in too late so you know it’s a shoot, then starts calling out VINCE and PAUL before his mic gets cut out and the show ends 80 minutes early.
OF COURSE The John Cena Variety Hour Company wouldn’t go for that, because they’re a bunch of DUMB, STUPID MARKS!!!!!
BLAST-O-METER RATING: 7
Drew McIntyre
This was a VERY hypocritical release. I can’t be the only fan who remembers as recently as 2010 when Vince McMahon HIMSELF said, ON TV, WHICH IS A VERBAL CONTRACT, that Drew was “The Chosen One!” And that’s NOT B.S., you can look it up, so Vince, consider yourself sued.
BLAST-O-METER RATING: 6
Yoshi Tatsu
I’m not sure if he was ever even on the main roster. Whatever. Who cares.
BLAST-O-METER RATING: 0
Meng’s son
What’s-his-name. How DARE you fire the son of the TOUGHEST WRESTLER ALIVE!!! Meng is great for jokes, too, you can just say “Meng will beat you up for making that STUPID post on the Internet” or something like that and it’s a reference that SMART wrestling fans LIKE MYSELF who have watched shoot interview preview videos on YouTube understand.
The Company That Killed REAL Hardcore Wrestling could have EASILY made him Meng 2.0, which I guarantee would have gotten over, just like Meng’s return to WWE at Royal Rumble 2001, which if you’ll recall (as any TRUE wrestling fan can EASILY remember ANY single moment from ANY wrestling show) he got a MASSIVE pop when he returned WITH the WCW Hardcore Championship (and DIDN’T drop it in a trash can on RAW – bad move by the WWF)!!! What a stupid firing by The Progenitors Of PG; they should have listened to me.
BLAST-O-METER RATING: 5
Aksana
Damn, she was hot. If You-Know-Who weren’t full of PG PANSIES they should have done Miss Hancock-style striptease segments with her on every show, for at least 15-30 minutes, with no breaking for commercials. More wasted talent. Typical.
BLAST-O-METER RATING: 4
Teddy Long
WOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I can’t make hilarious “tag team match, playa” jokes anymore. Thanks a lot, you killjoys Up North. You’ve quite literally ruined wrestling jokes forever.
BLAST-O-METER RATING: 8
You know what? That’s it. I can’t go on tearing Worst Wrestling Everytime a new you-know-what, not after that firing. That’s it WWE, you’ve finally done it. You’ve SUCKED the LAST WILL TO WRITE out of my body!
After SmackDown, and the next RAW, and however many TVs until the next PPV, after all of those, I swear, I am done with your bush league, pitiful excuse for a wrestling company, Mickey Mouse charade FOREVER!!!!!
And that-
*drops mic*
-is a shoot.
BLAST-O-METER RATING: 25
Disagree with anything Nightlife had to say? The BlastZone welcomes retorts. Send them to wrestlingonearth@gmail.com and we’ll have a good fashioned debate IN The Blast Zone.
Follow Nightlife on Twitter: @AnimeKing420