Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.
Every week, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this week: WRESTLEMANIA 30 SHIT-SHOW SPECTACULAR.
Every year, WWE pushes out a tidal wave of crap to coincide with the GRANDDADDY OF THEM ALL, WrestleMania. This year’s no exception, so if you’re attending the show and want a look at all the crap that you can waste your money on at the WrestleMania Superstore, you’re in the right place! LET’S GET STARTED.
WrestleMania Plush Alligator
Hey, look at this happy little guy! What a fun character, he’s not so… wait, what happened to his arms? Why are they tiny stumps? Did a barrel of thalidomide get dumped into his swamp or something?
WrestleMania Piggy Bank
Brother, if you’re spending $20 on this, then a piggy bank’s probably not going to be enough to help you sort out your financial situation.
WrestleMania Collectible Pin
For just $9.99, this could be yours! Proudly pin it to your lapel and show the world that you support a stupid wrestling show for dummies.
However, spending $9.99 on one pin seems a little outlandish, when for just 90 dollars more, you could have…
Commemorative Framed WrestleMania Collectible Pin Collection
…30 WrestleMania pins, in a beautiful frame ready for you to mount on your wall for all your friends to see! Except you can’t, since this is already sold out on the WWE Shop because FUCKING HELL PEOPLE JESUS CHRIST.
WrestleMania Plush Bear
Another addition to your collection of terrifying wrestling-themed plush toys! Pile them high in your closet to terrify guests when they go creeping through your stuff.
WrestleMania Plastic Hurricane Glass
Drink your cares away with the WWE!
WrestleMania Jester Koozie
LOOK, THIS ONE EVEN HAS BELLS ON! NEVER STOP DRINKING. DRINK UNTIL YOU CAN’T FEEL ANYTHING. DRINK UNTIL YOU’RE EXCITED FOR THE SHIELD’S WRESTLEMANIA OPPONENTS BEING THREE OLD MEN.
WrestleMania Rubber Bracelet
Are we still doing these things? I thought Lance Armstrong kind of ruined the whole rubber bracelet deal for everyone. Are we still doing Lance Armstrong jokes or are those super dated too? WHAT’S GOING ON.
WrestleMania Football Jersey
Do you like other sports as well as wrestling? Prove it by spending $70 on a football jersey that says ‘WrestleMania’ on it.
WrestleMania Basketball Jersey
Alternatively, if you’ve got a sweet set of pythons to show off to the world, you can pick up a basketball jersey for $50. Thank goodness there aren’t any prominent NBA teams who have purple and gold as their primary colours, that could have made things confusing. OH WAIT.
WrestleMania Track Jacket
OH COOL, ANOTHER WRESTLING TRACK JACKET THAT ISN’T A REPLICA OF THE ONES THE REAL AMERICANS WEAR. Keep hating money and stamping on my dream to cosplay as Antonio Cesaro, WWE!
WrestleMania Tapestry Blanket
SPOILERS: I don’t know what the fuck a tapestry blanket is, but I’m pretty sure it’s not worth $50 dollars.
Road to WrestleMania Shirt
Do you want to show everyone that you’re more a fan of the journey than the destination? Buy the Road to WrestleMania shirt and prove it! Forget the pay-off, that’s for chumps – you’re in it for the build, brother. Like a TRUE fan.
Purple and Green Feather Boas
WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, BROTHER, EVER SINCE THE HULKSTER WAS DIAGNOSED AS COLOURBLIND, HE’S FOUND IT INCREASINGLY DIFFICULT TO PICK THE RIGHT COMBINATION OF BOAS.
Also, purple and green? Those are the Incredible Hulk’s colours! Are Marvel going to have to sue WWE and Hulk Hogan… again?
Superstars Bead Necklace
Could it be? Is that… CM Punk’s logo on this $10 bead necklace?!?
OH MY GOD IT IS. Also, you can find EVEN MORE WrestleMania XXX merch with CM Punk on it in this Groupon deal WWE was running recently. Just check it out, he’s on this shirt…
…and this shirt…
…and this shirt…
…and even on this sexy purple number!
100% CONFIRMATION THAT CM PUNK AND THE REALITY ERA will RETURN… AT WRESTLEMANIA 30.
WrestleMania Jester Hat
Worried that you won’t stand out in a sea of fellow wrestling fans? Here’s the ultimate solution! Just pop this on so you can be singled out as ‘the dick in a jester’s hat’ by millions of people watching at home (except WHOOPS, there’s sure to be a bunch of idiots wearing these so you’ll just be ‘one of the dicks in a jester’s hat’, never mind).
Still, at least there’s only the one item of obnoxious headwear for this year’s WrestleMania, right?
WrestleMania Top Hat