Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.
Every week, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this week: HALLOWEEN SPECIAL (PART 2).
If you haven’t read last week’s Halloween Special, then you should probably get yourself up to date. Done that? Cool. Now bring on the terrible wrestling masks and costumes! LET’S GET STARTED.
Bret Hart mask
Here we have Bret Hart in mask form, looking more like a “40-year-old mother of three who had a really rough night” than Adam Cole ever could (and if you’re not familiar with that reference, here’s the appropriate scene from Kevin Steen’s Weekend Escapades to help fill you in):
Anyway, yet another example of how the wrestling business screwed Bret. I’m surprised we didn’t see three chapters in his book dedicated to the ‘Halloween Mask Screwjob’.
Kurt Angle TNA costume
That’s a disturbingly accurate depiction of Kurt Angle’s face (i.e. INTENSELY CRAZY), but what’s up with that pose? Is that meant to be… like… an amateur wrestling stance? Is amateur wrestling all about standing with your legs really wide apart? Please reply ASAP, amateur wrestling fans (har har, just kidding, there’s no such thing as an amateur wrestling fan).
Why does he have two sets of eyebrows? Are they meant to be eyebrow exclamation marks to punctuate how angry he is?
For some reason, I imagine this smells terrible. Can’t explain why, just a hunch I have.
‘Totally Pumped Up’ kid’s costume
Alright, it’s not technically a branded wrestling costume, but if you want to look EXACTLY like one of the Road Warriors on a day off while touring Japan, then brother, wearing this costume means you’re a Ribera Steakhouse jacket and a bag of coke away from completing the look.
Looking closer at the shirt though, it’s even more questionable than I first thought:
“Roid-o-rama”, everybody. Hooray for jokes about performance enhancing drugs on a costume meant for children!
As featured on The Kevin Steen Show (and thus fulfilling our contractual obligation to reference Steen at least twice in every article), it’s the Kane mask that’s far superior to the weird fruit rollup version that he’s wearing now.
FUN FACT: I ripped this pic from an eBay listing, where the guy decided that the best way to showcase the mask’s creepy potential was to model it for everyone. Mission accomplished, buddy.
John Cena costume
Alright, let’s break this down:
- Jorts. That’s fine. A little short, but whatever.
- Armbands. Also fine.
- Muscly chest. Kind of weird that it’s just some moulded plastic strapped onto a white t-shirt, but I can see what they’re doing. They get a pass.
- Camouflage headband. NO.
- Giant plastic dogtag. WHAT? Absolutely not.
Awkward TNA Picture of the Week
The star of this week’s Awkward TNA Picture of the Week is…
…Crimson!, He might be long gone from TNA, but he’s back to claim his crown (or at least his $17 dollar ‘military hat’ that he’s sporting here). We salute you too, Crimson! You’ll always be ShopTNA’s poster boy in our hearts.
Ultimate Warrior costume
Tassles galore! Ain’t nothing wrong with this. Well, not until you look at the mask up close:
Yikes. It’s the teeth that get me.
Jeff Hardy wrestling license
If you want to complete your Halloween costume, then I guess a ‘wrestling license’ is a perfectly acceptable addition. HOWEVER, I’d advise against presenting your Jeff Hardy ID card to the cops if you run into any trouble while out trick-or-treating.
Undertaker and Stone Cold costumes
Yet another child dressed up as Stone Cold, though this one doesn’t have the muscle definition or the attitude that last week’s did. His jean shorts are also weirdly skinny – between him and Kid Undertaker’s eyeliner and hat, you could put together a fairly decent ‘confused hipster’ costume.
Hulk Hogan costume
Hulk Hogan: Confirmed as always terrifying. Does he look better unboxed though?
NOPE. Happy Halloween, everybody! Stay safe, have fun and, most importantly, please don’t wear any of these costumes.
– @TomBlargh WILL return with another new Merch Table next week. Until then, be sure to tweet him @TomBlargh or e-mail us at email@example.com with any terrible merch scoops. Want more Merch Table? You can check out our archive of past Merch Tables here. Tom is also the chairman of the WCW Comic Book Reading Club, if you want to read his thoughts on the greatest comic in the history of our sport.