Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.
Every week, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this week: WRESTLING FOODS SPECIAL.
If there’s one thing wrestling fans like, it’s watching wrestling. Obviously. If there’s two things they like, it’s watching wrestling and buying shitty merch. And if there’s three things they like, it’s watching wrestling, buying shitty merch and stuffing their faces with terrible food. That might be a generalisation, but… look, I need an introduction to this column, so let’s just go with it, yeah?
Sadly, wrestling branded food and drink isn’t as common as it once was, possibly because there are just too many rules these days about food having to be ‘edible’ and ‘definitely not harmful to children’. THANKS A LOT, OBAMA. Anyway, it’s a shame, since there used to be some fantastically insane stuff. LET’S GET STARTED.
Hulk Hogan cake pan
Yikes, that’s a lot of icing. I think it’s a fair assumption that a couple of slices of the Hulkster would send you into sugar shock, but type 2 diabetes is a small price to pay for taking a bite out of one of Hogan’s tasty pythons.
Also, I spent a while searching for the Macho Man / Big Boss Man variations until I realised that you can make them all with the same pan! Check out the icing instructions below:
The Boss Man’s never looked better than in cake form! Either he or Macho would also make the perfect dessert for my Dead Wrestler Banquet, but… look, that’s another feature for another time. *FORESHADOWING*
WWF cereal
More fun from the early ’90s with the WWF cereal. You could choose from…
The Legion of Doom!
The Ultimate Warrior!
Hulk Hogan!
Or, if you want to recreate the main event of Wrestlemania VI at breakfast time, the Ultimate Warrior AND Hulk Hogan! Unfortunately, they’re all the same boring ‘hint of vanilla’ flavour, and the ‘spoon-size superstar’ shapes are a complete waste when they could have been shaped like the Legion of Doom’s shoulder pads, the Warrior’s tassles or Hogan’s receding hairline.
WCW cereal
Not to be outdone by WWF, WCW put out a cereal of their own in the late ’90s. What makes theirs slightly more interesting though is that each of the three variations was a different flavour, which I assume is meant to match the individual wrestler’s personality. So, you had:
Sting (cocoa frosted, because he’s dark and mysterious).
Goldberg (sugar frosted, because he’s the number one sweetheart).
Bret Hart (honey almond, because this guy’s a real nut! LOL!!!!).
…alright, maybe the flavours weren’t themed to their personalities, but WHATEVER. Once again, there’s a missed opportunity with the lack of themed shapes – the Golderg cereal in particular is begging for little marshmallow versions of Sid’s car that you could crush yourself).
WWF ice cream bars
“Where oh where are my ice cream bars?” whined CM Punk in 2011 but over two years later, there’s still no sign of them returning. What’s more, when you look above and see that guys like Carlito and The Hurricane got immortalised in ice cream form when Punk didn’t, I think it’s fair to officially write his career off as a COMPLETE FAILURE.
Sting Sprite commercial
As far as I can tell, Sprite never had any WCW branding or anything BUT this commercial featuring Sting is still genuinely fantastic:
***INTERMISSION START***
Awkward TNA Picture of the Week
The star of this week’s Awkward TNA Picture of the Week is…
…Wes Brisco, seen here posing like he’s in an extremely low-rent version of ‘Magic Mike’ for his 8×10. Please note the big ‘SAMPLE’ text across the picture, just in case you were thinking of printing this off at home rather than spending $4.99 on the official TNA version (neither of which are things that anyone has ever considered doing).
***INTERMISSION END***
WCW Crazy Dips
All your favourite WCW superstars were once featured in delicious suckable form, including…
Konnan!
Kimberley Page!
Brian Adams!
WWF bubble gum
Come for the trading cards, stay for the bewildering picture they used of Hogan. Is he doing one of his muscle poses? Surfing?
NWA Mello Yello
Another amazing TV commercial for soda, this time featuring Dusty Rhodes sipping on Mello Yello and trash-talking Mountain Dew:
Why didn’t Dusty star in more commercials? He’s a natural born shiller! The cans themselves were pretty great, featuring the pictures and bios of all your favourites…
…you know, like Tim Horner!
WCW Surge
Jump forward twenty years, and the NWA had become WCW while Mello Yello had been usurped by that most ’90s of sodas, Surge. The two were a perfect match for each other, and were there collector’s cans? Brother, you’d better believe there were:
What makes this even more spectacular is that you could get a collector’s case for your WCW Surge cans, to protect your investment for the ages:
WWE pizza prints
“Hey kids, do you like pizza?”
“YES!”
“How about if we put images of all your favourite WWE Raw superstars on it! Even better, right?”
“Uh. Sure?”
“GREAT! And how about a Smackdown pizza? You kids want to put a slice of unmasked Kane in your mouth, don’t you?”
*Kids start crying, none of them ever eat pizza again.*
– @TomBlargh WILL return with another new Merch Table next week. Until then, be sure to tweet him @TomBlargh or e-mail us at wrestlingonearth@gmail.com with any terrible merch scoops. Want more Merch Table? You can check out our archive of past Merch Tables here. Tom is also the chairman of the WCW Comic Book Reading Club, if you want to read his thoughts on the greatest comic in the history of our sport.