Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.
Every week, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this week: WORN RING GEAR SPECIAL.
This week saw the return of WWE’s auction site. This is something they’ve done in the past, but never with any consistency, and I’m not sure why! A lot of wrestling fans are a) psychotic and b) terrible with money, so I’m surprised Vince hasn’t looked to selling this as a reliable source of income.
Anyway, it’s an exciting time, with listed items including signed action figures, signed belts… and worn ring gear. It’s the last part that’s most intriguing to me, as it’s guaranteed that these are the items that will attract the most crazies.
However, it’s not the safe, sanitary world of WWE auctions that we’ll be looking at today (though I’m sure they’ll get covered in the future) – instead, we’ll be taking a dip back into eBay to see what kind of worn ring gear’s getting sold (or not sold) on the Internet’s biggest flea market. LET’S GET STARTED.
Ultimate Warrior singlet
God bless the Ultimate Warrior and his horrific singlets. I’m actually disappointed he’s not personally selling this on his own website, which is as crazy as you’d hope. My favourite bit is this startling introduction to his art page:
“My name is Warrior. I am a self -taught artist. I use oils and my only tool is a knife.”
Of course it is!
How much did they want for it? $1,499.99. THAT IS NOT A TYPO, ONE THOUSAND FOUR HUNDRED AND NINETY NINE DOLLARS AND NINETY NINE CENTS.
Did it sell? WHAT DO YOU THINK (the answer is no)
Triple H tank top
Oh yeah, a Triple H white tank top! You know, from that period where he was just constantly wearing white tank tops on TV. Man, Triple H was just a white tank top wearin’ fool back in the day
Anyway, I call BS on this. I do like the description though:
“WWE Legend Triple H at training worn and signed white tank top.
Take this chance to own a rare piece of WWE history!
He also signed it!
The signature is on the front.”
He also signed it! HA HA HA BECAUSE ENGLISH ISN’T HIS FIRST LANGUAGE SO IT’S AWKWARDLY PHRASED.
How much did they want for it? $29.99.
Did it sell? You better believe it did.
Jimmy Valiant tights
I don’t really know much about Jimmy Valiant, but I am COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH HIM based on his eBay auction pics. This one for the tights is great, but it’s only the tip of the iceberg:
JIMMY VALIANT, I LOVE YOU. PLEASE BE MY CRAZY GRANDPA.
How much did they want for it? $300.
Did it sell? ABSOLUTELY, AND HE DESERVES EVERY CENT.
Awkward TNA Picture of the Week
The star of this week’s Awkward TNA Picture of the Week also ties into our theme of worn ring gear! It is…
…Robbie T! And you know what, it’s kind of unfair to call this awkward. He looks fine! The way he’s holding up the cardigan like a trophy in one hand while he clutches ‘The List’ clipboard in the other is a little weird, but whatever!
How much did they want for it? $28.
Did it sell? Yep!
Randy Orton’s jeans from 12 Rounds: Reloaded
The description makes me laugh:
This is unique wardrobe from the recent Movie “12 Rounds Reloaded which starred WWE SUPERSTAR Randy Orton
This is a pair of Jeans worn by Randy as the character “NICK”
Of course, NICK! Everyone knows about NICK, the sensational straight-to-DVD character find of 2013. Gotta get them NICK jeans, mom! Get me a real Hollywood collectible!
How much did they want for it? $175.
Did it sell? NO CHANCE.
Booker T trunks
There’s something really off-putting about the way Booker holds his wrestling panties up with his pinkie raised while looking straight into the camera like that.
How much did they want for it? $1,025.
Did it sell? For over a grand? Come on now, of course not.
LuFisto ring gear
Unsurprisingly, there’s a LOT of female wrestlers selling worn ring gear on eBay. This stands out a little, because I think it’s the only one which features ULTRAVIOLENCE!!!! as a selling point. Check out a close-up pic of the included photo for more details
Yikes. Sadly, it seems to be washed so there’s no blood stains to make it SUPER COLLECTABLE.
How much did they want for it? $79.99.
Did it sell? Yep!
Andrew ‘Test’ Martin, RIP
“He loved his testicles”
How much did they want for it? $90.
Did it sell? God help us, yes.
I don’t care how dedicated a member of ‘Planet Sexy’ you are, THERE IS NO GOOD REASON TO OWN A PAIR OF MARYSE’S BOOTS. Seriously, if you’re willing to pay hundreds for these then you’re only going to end up doing something regrettable with them. Just leave it, man.
How much did they want for it? $600.
Did it sell? NOPE.
Giant Gonzalez body suit
Really, could I finish with anything else? There’s literally nothing I could do to top the description of this:
No you are not dreaming! This IS one of the actual ring worn body suit top and trunks worn by Giant Gonzalez at SUMMERSLAM 1993! The UNDERTAKER TOUCHED this!!!!
Nothing like this has EVER been on here for sale and may never be again! Was worn for other events like house hows and TV tapings!
Who knows who may have touched this when they wrestled him!!!!
Its even signed “El Gigante” which was his WCW ring name! Overall its in pretty nice condition and has has some dirt and grime spots from use, and a few holes…which is common with ring used items!
WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW
How much did they want for it? $955.
Did it sell? ABSOLUTELY.
– @TomBlargh WILL return with another new Merch Table next week. Until then, be sure to tweet him @TomBlargh or e-mail us at email@example.com with any terrible merch scoops. You can also check out our archive of past Merch Tables if you need more terrible wrestling merchandise in your life.