The Merch Table: ECW T-Shirt Special

Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.

Every week, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this week: ECW T-SHIRT SPECIAL.

There’s one bit from the Rise and Fall of ECW documentary that always stood out to me. It’s where they’re talking about how they all chipped in and did jobs in addition to wrestling to help out – Stevie Richards would man the ECW hotline, Bubba Ray Dudley would talk to the venues… and Taz would design the shirts.

The last one always seemed weird to me. Taz? Really? The guy with all the orange who dresses like this? He was the one responsible for coming up with all the iconic ECW logos and shirts?

This warranted further investigation into ECW’s shirt designs (with the ZandigFans forum proving a treasure trove of material). Now, I don’t know if Taz is responsible for all of these but… well, I wouldn’t be surprised. LET’S GET STARTED.

Tommy Dreamer, Beulah McGillicutty and Kimona Wanalaya T-Shirt

A shirt celebrating this very special moment in wrestling history. Sure, why not? What’s nice is how subtle it is. Just check out the back:

They might as well have had the slogan read ‘THIS GUY FUCKED THESE TWO GIRLS / PRETTY COOL HUH’.

Extreme exclamation mark count: Three.

Tommy Dreamer and The Pitbulls T-Shirt

Jesus Christ. Let’s see what it has on the back:

APPROPRIATE. I can’t think of anything more nightmarish than being chased by crazy-proportioned Tommy Dreamer and his hybrid dog-human slaves.

Extreme exclamation mark count: Three.

Taz t-shirt

That’s a good question! What ABOUT Taz?

WELL EXCUSE ME FOR ASKING.

Extreme exclamation mark count: Three.

***INTERMISSION START***

Awkward TNA Picture of the Week

The star of this week’s Awkward TNA Picture of the Week is…

MR ANDERSON! In this instalment, Mr Anderson proves that while he might look really unlikeable with his cap facing forward, just by by flipping it around…

…actually, no, he still looks really unlikeable. That might even be worse. Thanks for coming though, Mr Anderson! And congratulations on being the star of Awkward TNA Picture of the Week!

***INTERMISSION END***

New Jack, Tommy Dreamer, Taz and Sabu t-shirt

I think this is meant to be a homage / parody / rip-off of some Kiss album cover but har har, nobody cares about Kiss.

Instead, it looks like New Jack, Taz, Dreamer and Sabu are all holding hands and skipping along together in a mid-90s extreme wrestling reinterpretation of The Wizard of Oz (Taz as Dorothy, New Jack as The Tinman, Dreamer as The Cowardly Lion, Sabu as The Scarecrow, Paul E. as The Wizard, COME ON IT WRITES ITSELF).

Extreme exclamation mark count: ZERO (though I’m tempted to count Sabu’s pointed finger).

Hardcore Heaven t-shirt

I really hope that it was a wrestler who drew these, rather than an actual cartoonist. It wouldn’t make it better, but it would at least make a little more sense.

Extreme exclamation mark count: Impossible to tell, I can’t take my eyes off of cartoon Kronus’ crotch long enough to check.

Eliminators t-shirts

Who?

WHO?

ALRIGHT, JEEZ.

Extreme exclamation mark count: One, but it’s pretty emphatic.

Francine t-shirt

Eurgh. Of all the Austin 3:16 rip-off shirts, this is probably the grossest.

GOD DAMN IT ECW, I ALREADY SAID IT WAS THE GROSSEST, YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO GO AND DO THAT.

Extreme exclamation mark count: I DON’T KNOW PROBABLY A BUNCH. I feel sad about life now, so THIS COLUMN’S OVER.

– @TomBlargh WILL return with another new Merch Table next week.. Until then, be sure to tweet him @TomBlargh or e-mail us at wrestlingonearth@gmail.com with any terrible merch scoops. You can also check out our archive of past Merch Tables if you need more terrible wrestling merchandise in your life.