Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.
Every week, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this week: ATTITUDE ERA SPECIAL.
Oh man that felt good. Anyway, WWF’s Attitude Era was a strange time. It was the most popular the company’s ever been, which brought with it a tidal wave of merchandise.
However, even though the product was raunchier and more ‘adult’, who were they expecting to buy most of this merch? Kids, of course! Stupid kids and their deep-pocketed parents. As a result, you wound up with a lot of merchandise that was really weird / borderline inappropriate / just completely gross. LET’S GET STARTED.
Sable Beanie Bear
Hey, remember the beanie bear craze? No-one could ever accuse the WWF of not shamelessly jumping on whatever pop culture bandwagon was hot at the moment, which is why they shipped this out to toy stores everywhere:
That’s right, a Sable beanie bear, complete with boob hand-prints.
Looking at this feels really weird. Like, a regular action figure of Sable in her boob hand-print ‘outfit’ would be gross, but at least it wouldn’t be grinding up and down the line between innocent and inappropriate like this does. Who is this for? WHO IS MEANT TO BUY THIS? ATTITUDE ERA, COME ON MAN.
Gross Attitude Era T-Shirt Roundup
These t-shirts are the worst. Like, seriously. I have no idea what Vince McMahon and/or Russo think about sex, but it’s clearly pretty disturbing.
Trish Stratus / The Rock T-Shirts
Are you a guy that wants to announce to the world that you’re keen on the act of fellatio AND a fan of wrestling? WELL THEN HAVE WE GOT THE SHIRT FOR YOU:
I know what you’re thinking though – sure, that t-shirt’s all well and good if you’re a proponent of the words of Adam Cole, but what if you want to express your love for the act of cunnilingus? Well, don’t worry about it…
…the Attitude Era had a gross t-shirt covering that too!
I remembered this Chyna t-shirt, from back in the day (as modelled by the late Eddie Guerrero):
Here’s a closer look, just in case you can’t make it out:
However, I had no idea it had stuff on the back too. And I really, really wish it didn’t:
Why do we have to ‘enter at our own risk’? Chyna, what do you have up there?
Here’s the scenario: you’re working for WWF’s marketing department and you’ve decided to make a t-shirt that creates a new phrase for the ‘APA’ acronym.
You’ve decided on ‘Always’ for the first ‘A’ and ‘Ass’ for the second ‘A’. What verb do you decide to use for the middle ‘P’? Come on, quickly! You don’t have much time! THERE’S SHIRTS TO SELL COME ON WHAT DOES THE ‘P’ STAND FOR COME ON COME ON COME ONNNNNN
Val Venis T-Shirt
At least Val Venis’ gimmick lent itself to having a sexually charged t-shirt, though man, I’m not sure about this:
I couldn’t find a picture of the back, but the slogan on the front that leads into the one on the back goes ‘I am cocked, locked and ready to explode’.
What’s more, it’s all in a font that looks like it’s meant to be dripping ejaculate. Thank God we wouldn’t see something like that on a modern wrestling t-shi-
…oh, uh, hey AJ. How’s it going.
BUT WAIT, THAT REMINDS ME!
Awkward TNA Picture of the Week
In this week’s Awkward TNA Picture of the Week we pose the question – who’s got two index fingers and a t-shirt with a terrible slogan on it?
THIS GUY (i.e. JAMES STORM). James Storm, why would you say you drink beer with my mom while my dad watches? How am I meant to even respond to that?
WWF Stove Top Hats
OKAY ATTITUDE ERA, WE GET IT, YOU TOOK PLACE IN THE 90s. STOP SHOVING IT IN OUR FACES WITH YOUR STUPID STOVE TOP HATS.
THERE’S A LOT I DON’T UNDERSTAND ABOUT WWF BUNGEEZ. My assumption is that it’s a pogs rip-off because there are discs / medallions involved, but what are you meant to do? Why is there ‘magnetic action’? What are the heads for? WHY DOES SABLE HAVE SUCH A TERRIFYING BLANK STARE oh wait that’s just how she looked.
Still, none of that really matters because it gives me the chance to include a picture of The Oddities:
So I’m just fine with WWF Bungeez, regardless of what they’re meant to be.
‘Little Stone Cold’
First rule of writing about wrestling merchandise: always leave your audience with nightmares.
– @TomBlargh WILL return in ‘The Merch Table – I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT’S GONNA BE ABOUT YET SO SHUT UP ALREADY’. Until then, be sure to tweet him @TomBlargh or e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org with any terrible merch scoops. You can also check out our archive of past Merch Tables if you need more terrible wrestling merchandise in your life.