Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.
Every week, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this week: HIGHSPOTS HOUSE OF HORRORS.
We love Highspots. They make really fun shoot interviews, their online VOD service is pretty great and they have an entire warehouse full of merch.
Seriously, just check out the episode of Kevin Steen’s Weekend Escapades where he takes a wander around Highspots HQ for an idea of what they have there:
There’s clearly some great stuff there, but THANK GOD, there’s also a lot of insane merch to have fun with. LET’S GET STARTED.
WWE Rings
No, not wrestling rings, that would be too sensible. These are FINGER rings! Like the kind you’d wear to… uh… the kind of rings you’d wear to…
….I have literally no idea where you would wear these rings to, but they’re something special. You can choose from:
John Cena! Looking nothing like John Cena!
The Undertaker! Looking kind of like the Undertaker.
ugh triple h
Rey Mysterio looking very pleased with himself.
SUPER TERRIFYING PAINTED REY MYSTERIO VARIANT
Fan Packs
Okay, so this is a pretty fun idea! Get a bunch of merch for the same wrestler or company at a discounted rate. Makes sense, right? You’ve got packs for indy faves like Kevin Steen, beloved companies like ECW and PWG, legends like Ric Flair and then all the other ones you’d expect.
You know, like Cryme Tyme.
And of course, Craig Pittman.
JUST GIVING THE FANS WHAT THEY WANT.
Stone Cold Water Bottle
With ‘decapitated head on a pike’ action feature!
***INTERMISSION START***
Awkward TNA Picture of the Week
The star of this week’s Awkward TNA Picture of the Week is…
AJ STYLES! AJ always looks super uncomfortable posing for pics, but he has good reason to this time, given he’s modelling a shirt which is named ‘Discharge’ and looks like it’s splattered with bodily fluids. Well done, AJ!
***INTERMISSION END***
Halloween costumes
Back during the Monday Night Wars when people actually watched wrestling, going to a Halloween party dressed as a wrestler was actually a viable proposition and OH MAN did WWF and WCW take advantage of that with some shitty costume solutions!
From a parallel universe where EVERY day is an epic cheat day for The Rock.
What’s nice about this is it also doubles as a James Franco from Spring Breakers mask.
WARNING: The following costumes are EXTRA TERRIFYING because they were meant to be worn by children. GET READY FOR NIGHTMARES.
Jesus Christ. What makes this most horrific is that they actually show you a picture of what a kid would look like dressed up as a tiny Big Sexy. Nothing compares to the following though…
FORGET IT. FORGET IT. I’M DONE. COLUMN’S OVER, SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
– @TomBlargh WILL return in ‘The Merch Table – IT CAME FROM eBAY’. Until then, be sure to tweet him @TomBlargh or e-mail us at wrestlingonearth@gmail.com with any terrible merch scoops.
As if it matters how a man falls down? When the fall is all that’s left, it matters what wrestling mask he is wearing. A writer once wrote that. A genius writer like yourself. We should have a meeting.
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