The Merch Table: WWE! Bleacher Creatures and Wrestlemania Insanity

Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.

Every week, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up first: WWE!

Sheamus Youth Wig

“Oh man we can’t sell these Zack Ryder wigs! He’s started using too much conditioner and his hair looks all like Jericho’s did in 2005, it is TERRIBLE.”

“That doesn’t make any sense! Half his gimmick is that he has spiky hair! He says it ALL THE TIME and it’s on t-shirts and stuff!”

“I know, I KNOW. Ohhhh dang, we have BOXES of these things, what are we gonna do?”

“UGH, GOD, JUST DYE THEM RED AND SELL THEM AS SHEAMUS WIGS.”

Christian Vital Element T-Shirt

CHEMISTRY FUN: There is no Ch element. However, CH4 is methane, so Christian’s shirt almost has the chemical compound for farts on it.

Bleacher Creature Special Feature

This picture comes dangerously close to justifying Ryback’s existence. I mean, it doesn’t. But it comes close. The only thing that would make it better is if he was cradling the doll like it was his baby.

Wait, or if he had the doll in a sandwich and was making a funny face as he was about to bite into it.

Or if he was tucked up in bed, cuddling the doll close and…

Okay, there’s a few different ways that this could be better, but it’s still the most likeable Ryback’s been since he was the YUP YUP YUP CORNFED MEATHEAD, GIT R DONE, JUST PLAYING TO THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR Y’ALL.

Team Hell No Bleacher Creature Package

Oh my god. Yes. Perfect, no room for improvement.

Sheamus Bleacher Creature

You step into the dank room; a single flickering light bulb hangs from the ceiling, stuttering on and off. You see a figure slowly approach, barely visible in the gloom.

The door shuts behind you. You see a flash of white and orange as the stranger draws closer.

You feel movement, suddenly aware that he’s next to you. A voice whispers in your ear:

“………..fella”

Wrestlemania Spotlight

Hey, Wrestlemania 29! What a show, right? Definitely in the top 27 Wrestlemanias of all time. As a true blue wrestle-fan, you’ll want to get some keepsakes of this monumental event, yeah? OF COURSE YOU DO. Come on down, and get your…

T-SHIRT!

DRAWSTRING BAG!

MOHAWK HAT!

GOLF SET?

Stickers? Stickers! STICKERS!

…holiday ornaments?

Wait what

no, please

nooooooooooooooooo

– @TomBlargh WILL return in ‘The Merch Table – OH SHIT TNA’. Until then, be sure to tweet him or e-mail us at wrestlingonearth@gmail.com with any terrible merch scoops.