Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.
Every so often, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this time: WWF Spring/Summer 1992 Catalog Special.
Hey, remember the ’90s? The clothes, the hair, what were we thinking?! I guess the cartoons were pretty good though. Anyway, terrible segues aside, one thing I remember about the ’90s is DESPERATELY wanting WWF merch but never being able to get it – sure, I had the action figures and the trading cards, but I wanted MORE and my main window into wrestling merchandise nirvana was the WWF catalog.
The catalog came with every issue of the WWF magazine and I’ve managed to get a hold of one, thanks to good brother @AlexanderME. It’s the Spring/Summer 1992 edition, to be precise, and I’m proud to present to you some beautiful hi-res scans (or at least as hi-res as my mediocre scanner allows):
Done wallowing in nostalgia? Cool, because now I’m going to make fun of all of it. LET’S GET STARTED.
Hulk Hogan camera
Oh, okay, so it’s a Hulk Hogan branded camera, that’s pretty simple, right? WRONG. Just check out the description:
“Hulk Hogan will appear on every photo you take!” Wait… what? I’m pretty sure that’s the plot of, like, three Japanese horror films. Why would you want to welcome such demonic witchcraft into your life for £11 (plus shipping and handling)?
Hulk Hogan hand-cut t-shirt
Apparently, this is ‘hand-cut’, which is complete BULLSHIT – every true Hulkamaniac knows that the Hulkster used his bare hands to tear his shirts into whatever style he saw fit, he wouldn’t need to cut them.
Hulk Hogan workout bear
What makes him a workout bear?
Oh, of course, his workout wear. The workout bear in his workout wear / here to pump some iron like he just don’t care / flexing his muscles so you stop and stare / don’t come at him, bro, you ain’t got a prayer. (“The Workout Bear Rap”, Wrestling On Earth Records, 2014).
Well, hello yourself, Miss Elizabeth. If you didn’t believe me that this catalog’s from the ’90s, here’s your proof.
Legion of Doom shoulder pads
Get a load of these candyasses. What kind of direction was the photographer giving them? Your lad in the back with his tongue out is at least trying, but the one in the front just looks LOST. Shameful.
Sid Justice shirt
FUCK YES, NOW WE’RE GETTING TO THE GOOD STUFF. Look at Sid’s face. That is the face of a man who knows how to wear the shit out of a t-shirt.
Sid Justice pillow case
Imagine slapping your face against this before you drift off to sleepytown. You’d dream dreams of powerbombs, incomprehensible promos and disappointing Wrestlemania main events.
HAHAHA YASSSS. Man, page six of the catalog is really where it’s at. If you’re wondering what Virgil’s conveying in that facial expression, it’s “oh man, they’re giving me a t-shirt, I’d better not fuck this up, oh man oh man oh maaaan.”
Disgusting that they posed the Dead Man in a t-shirt, thus killing the credibility of the character and ensuring that 1992 would be the last year we’d see this mark.
Bret Hart poster
That’s some damn nice double denim the Hitman’s got going on right there. Look how he tucks his jeans into his boots and tucks his thumbs into his pockets. Clearly, a man who means business.
Hulk Hogan baseball glove
“GRAAAAAARGH HEY BROTHER THROW THE BASEBALL INTO MY FACE, IT’S COOL, I CAN TAKE IT, I’M RUNNING ON THE POWER OF HULKAMANIAAAAAAARRRRRGGHHH BROTHER BROTHER BROTHER JACK DUDE.”
WWF colouring book
“GRAAAAARGH GOD DAMN BROTHER THAT’S SOME NICE COLOURING, DON’T FORGET TO GET SOME ORANGES FOR WHEN YOU SHADE MY SKIN, GOTTA PROPERLY REPRESENT THE HULKSTER’S PYTHONS WHEN HE’S GETTING HIS PUMP ONNNNNNAAAAARRRGGH JACK DUDE BROTHER”
Hulk Hogan and Macho Man costumes
Why… why are they holding hands?
Sgt Slaughter helmet
Buff that helmet! BUFF IT UP GOOD, BUFF SARGE’S HELMET UNTIL IT SHINES.
WWF bum bag
Why aren’t they still making these?! Fanny packs (or ‘bum bags’, if you’re British) are such an intrinsic part of wrestling culture AND it’s a cute idea, flawlessly executed. Nice one, WWF Catalog (Spring/Summer 1992).
If your bedroom looked like this in 1992 then you were a confirmed spoiled little snot and I am definitely stealing your Ultimate Warrior action figure when I come over to play.
Hulk Hogan flashlight
Hulk Hogan flashlight… or fleshlight? Will this stimulate the feel of real sex with the Immortal one? Let’s check the description:
Brother, if being invited to “find your way in the dark with the Hulkster’s help” isn’t an invitation for love-making, I don’t know what is. Anyway! That’s it, see you next time.