Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.
Every week, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this week: WWE AUCTIONS SPECIAL.
Hey, remember last week when I referenced the return of WWE’s auction site, but talked about how I wasn’t going to cover it until the future? WELL GUESS WHAT, IT’S THE FUTURE NOW SO THAT’S WHAT WE’RE LOOKING AT TODAY.
I actually held off on writing about it until the first round of auctions were over, just so I could properly analyse both the items and what they went for, in order to prove whether or not the winning bidder got a good deal or not. LET’S GET STARTED.
The top rung of one of the Money in the Bank ladders
So we’re starting with what’s probably the weirdest item from the WWE Auctions, the top rung of “one of the ladders that were used in the main event Money In the Bank Ladder Match in Philadelphia, PA on July 24, 2013” that’s been autographed by every wrestler in both the MITB matches on that show.
My favourite thing about this are the messages Damien Sandow and Cody Rhodes left:
Cody’s sad little “so close…” and Damien’s “I WON” are both pretty perfect for their characters.
The main problem with this is I have no idea how you’re supposed to display it. I guess you could just use it as a functional step stool to reach the upper shelves in the kitchen or something, but man, that’d be an expensive step stool.
Realistically, I imagine it’ll end up in some guy’s garage until he dies or is forced to sell it on eBay for a tenth of what he paid for it.
How much did it go for? $2,190!
Is that a good deal? Alright, time for some maths. On the WWEShop, you can get an autographed picture for about $20 a pop. 14 guys signed it, so that’s a value of $280 right there. You can get a metal step stool which would look about the same as this for $20. That’s $300. So, what that means is whoever bought this is paying a bit over $1,800 for the magic of an event-used prop.
What’s more, they don’t even have any way of telling WHICH ladder it was, so it could have been the one Orton climbed to get to the title OR it could have just been one of the unused ladders by the side. The last thing ANY serious collector needs is ladder confusion, so you know what? NOT WORTH IT.
Dolph Ziggler signed replica World Championship belt
Oh man, poor Dolph. He signed this on the night he won the real title, but you can kind of see by the look on his face as he signs the replica that he knows it’s not going to end well.
How much did it go for? $500.
Is that a good deal? So, $20 for an autograph and then another $319 for a belt. So, that means the cost of WWE magic in this case is… what, $160? Again, unless you live somewhere remote enough that you’ll never run into Dolph at a car showroom signing or whatever, NOT WORTH IT.
Bray Wyatt signed event-worn hat
For a crazy backwoods cult leader, old Bray’s got kinda nice handwriting. Anyway. It’s a hat. He wore it some shows, apparently. Maybe it smells like his head?
How much did it go for? $430!
Is that a good deal? So, let’s see. You could probably pick up the hat for about $30. As we’ve previously established, an autograph by itself is $20. So, in this case you’re paying $380 for the musky smell of Husky Harris’ head. I guess it’s his signature item of clothing, kind of, so that’s something? Though I’d be more interested in one of those sweet Hawaiian shirts he wears. NOT WORTH IT.
Awkward TNA Picture of the Week
The star of this week’s Awkward TNA Picture of the Week is…
…Sting! This picture just about killed me. The idea that he had to stand there in his silly Dark Knight Joker make-up while someone wrote his Twitter handle in marker pen on his back under a message begging people to follow him is just incredible. It’s perfectly TNA. Poor Sting, man. Nobody deserves this at his age.
Seth Rollins signed event-worn tactical gear
The good thing about ALL the Shield guys is that they seem like really sweaty dudes. I don’t know if it’s just a result of having to wrestle in a couple layers of gear, but what that means is you’re almost guaranteed that this stuff is just humming with sweet Rollins stank.
How much did it go for? $720!
Is that a good deal? You can get a tactical vest for about $42… add the gloves on top of that, let’s round it up to $50. Autographs are $20, so that’s $70 altogether. So, you’d be paying a pretty wopping $650 for Seth Rollins sweat. You could probably make a decent argument that it’s worth it, but I’m pretty sure you could have gotten a whole MESS of his bodily fluids splashed on you if you’d been front row at any ROH show during his title run, so I’ve got to go with NOT WORTH IT.
CM Punk signed event-worn hoodie
It’s a hoodie. Punk wore it once. It’s not even one of his stupid Gracie Jiu Jitsu hoodies that he actually likes wearing, it’s one of the WWE made ones that they force him to wear ever so often.
How much did it go for? $1,260!
Is that a good deal? Come on. I really don’t want to have to do the maths here because its just pointless. The hoodie’s $40. An autograph’s $20. What that leaves is ONE THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS of… nothing. I guess he usually wears his hoodies without anything underneath so (IF THAT’S YOUR THING), it probably touched his bare flesh. But seriously, $1,200? CM PUNK FANS, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING. NOT WORTH IT.
Alberto Del Rio signed bucket
This picture rules and makes me like Del Rio more than anything he ever did during his face run.
How much did it go for? $281!
Is that a good deal? Autograph is $20, the bucket is… a bucket, so that goes for… what, $11, maybe? So the value of knowing that you own something which clobbered Ricardo Rodriguez is $250. Huh. NOT WORTH IT.
Curtis Axel signed replica Intercontinental Championship belt
Like the Del Rio pic, this image of Curtis Axel with a big silly smile on his face as he signs a belt makes him much more interesting than anything else he’s done.
How much did it go for? $720!
Is that a good deal? You know the deal, an autograph is $20. The belt would be $400, so that means having something endorsed by the ERA OF MCGILLICUTTY will cost you a solid $300. Forget it. NOT WORTH IT.
Sheamus signed action figure
Flat hair Sheamus is my favourite Sheamus.
How much did it go for? $180!
Is that a good deal? Autograph’s $20. An action figure would be… what, $10, probably? So that’s another $150 on top of that for nothing special whatsoever. Craziness. NOT WORTH IT.
Ryback signed event-smashed piece of table
Hahahaha! Look how proud he is at being able to use a pen. WHAT THE FUCK WOULD YOU EVER DO WITH THIS. Mount it on your wall somehow? This is actual garbage! You’d have to call the council to get them to come and pick it up because it’d be too big for a trashbag! WHY ARE THEY SELLING THIS
How much did it go for? $250.01!
Is that a good deal? $20 for an autograph (WE’VE GONE THROUGH THIS ALREADY, YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS BY NOW). For a smashed piece of table… I mean, a new one would be $70, but if you roam around enough rec halls and schools long enough, I’m sure you can just get a busted one for free. But forget it, let’s say it’s $90 altogether.
In other words, that’s $160 for some big piece of crap you’ll never do anything with it. NOT WORTH IT.
Ryback signed Bleacher Creature doll
Okay, sorry. I’ve calmed down a bit now, I just got a bit worked up there. Here, we’re revisiting our old friend, the Ryback Bleacher Creature. Now, there’s nothing too remarkable about this, except for this little factor:
Do you see what that says? No, not Ryback. It says ‘RBACK’. What we see here is evidence that Ryback can’t spell his own name.
How much did it go for? $50.
Is that a good deal? An autograph? That’s $20. A Bleacher Creature? That’s another $20. So, for just $10 more than what you’d pay otherwise, you could have ACTUAL PROOF that Ryback is illiterate. DEFINITELY WORTH IT.
– @TomBlargh WILL return with another new Merch Table next week. Until then, be sure to tweet him @TomBlargh or e-mail us at email@example.com with any terrible merch scoops. You can also check out our archive of past Merch Tables if you need more terrible wrestling merchandise in your life.