Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.
Every week, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this week: TOP 10 WORST HOLIDAY GIFTS FOR WRESTLING FANS.
First things first, this week’s column is inspired by (i.e. shamelessly rips off) Chris Sims’ excellent 10 Worst Holiday Gifts for Comic Book Readers over at Comics Alliance. It’s a very fun read, and it’s a great reminder of how tricky the holiday season can be when you’re known to be a fan of something like comics or wrestling.
Simply put, there’s an awful lot of rubbish out there that well-meaning friends and relatives could gift you because “this is the kind of thing you like, right?” and… well, if I can do anything to stop people from receiving any of the following items, then my life will finally have some meaning. LET’S GET STARTED.
1) Triple H: Thy Kingdom Come DVD.
The only possible reason you’d buy this is to put the final nail in the coffin of somebody’s Triple H fandom. The match selection is mostly fine, but it’s the documentary that’s guaranteed to grate, given that it consists solely of a cycle of sycophants explaining how important and revolutionary Triple H was to the wrestling business while the man himself tells us he was ‘never meant to make it’ (because we all know how much Vince hates big muscly guys with well-conditioned hair and a dickish sense of humour).
However, it’s not all bad – there’s some fun footage of Stephanie and Triple H’s wedding, featuring Linda McMahon wearing what looks like one of those giant spiders from Resident Evil:
2) Autographed Dixie Carter action figure.
I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: there is no good reason for anyone to own a Dixie Carter action figure. Shockingly, these ‘exclusive’ items are still in stock at ShopTNA even though it’s been months since they were first released – could it be that all of TNA’s current financial woes are thanks to them investing too heavily in pieces of plastic shaped like their president? I don’t know for sure, but it sounds about right to me. Expect to see these in a landfill near you soon!
3) ROH: Honor vs. Scum three-disc set.
THREE DISCS?!?! Jesus. There’s some good stuff in here, but given all the other ROH feuds and story-lines they could have spent THREE DISCS on, why the SCUM saga? I guess if you liked the interminable Aces and Eights storyline but felt it could have been even better with less leather vests and more Matt Hardy, then this is the set for you! Otherwise… yeah, probably not.
4) CZW track jacket.
For all the CZW fans who happen to be big into athletics too! Sadly, there’s no guarantee that this will offer any kind of protection against light-tube baseball bats (which is especially disappointing, given that this costs ONE HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS).
5) TNA Knockouts calendar.
This mostly makes the list because I’m bitter there isn’t a calendar featuring Joseph Park Esq. Just imagine a daily calendar with a handy legal tip / candid picture from Joe Park on every page! You can have that one for free, TNA! JUST MAKE IT HAPPEN.
6) Christmas Bounty DVD
Are you wondering how a straight-to-DVD Christmas movie starring The Miz ever came about? Me too! Thankfully, we can EXCLUSIVELY reveal how it happened below:
So, there we have it! It’s all Maryse’s fault.
7) Any of these BShop Window t-shirts.
8) DVDs of any DG:USA event from 2013.
Just kidding, you couldn’t buy these even if you wanted to! It’s a shame, because the Freedom Fight 2013 show from Brooklyn was especially good, but we’re all casualties in the war between WWNLive and physical media.
9) Chikara assets.
Sooner or later, they’re just gonna have to leave the memories alone and move on.
10) An Under the Covers photo op with Tammy Sytch.
NO THANK YOU.
– @TomBlargh WILL return with another new Merch Table next week. Until then, be sure to tweet him @TomBlargh or e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org with any terrible merch scoops. Want more Merch Table? You can check out our archive of past Merch Tables here. Tom is also the chairman of the WCW Comic Book Reading Club, if you want to read his thoughts on the greatest comic in the history of our sport.