Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.
Every week, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this week: TOP 10 WORST HOLIDAY GIFTS FOR WRESTLING FANS 2014.
With only one shopping day left until Christmas, now’s the perfect time to reveal our holiday gift guide! Except this is the opposite of that – these are the things you really shouldn’t get a wrestling fan, unless you actively dislike them (which is probably fair enough, given that most wrestling fans are creeps or jerks). As always, hover over the pics for BONUS GAGS (or don’t, it’s your life). LET’S GET STARTED.
1) AJ Lee Ponytail Baseball Cap
April Jeanette “Ape” Mendez-Lee-Punker-Brooks (shoot name) is an attractive young lady, but that really doesn’t translate too well to baseball cap form. This whole thing makes no sense to me, is it meant to be… cosplay? Is this what cosplay is? Let’s see if the description makes it any clearer:
“You can have hair just like the Divas!” No mate, that’s not what’ll happen when you wear this. That’s not what’ll happen at all.
2) John Cena Nutcracker
Jesus Christ. Let’s take a closer look:
ALRIGHT LET’S NOT TAKE A CLOSER LOOK, THAT’S REAL BAD STUFF.
3) Matt Morgan “Hard” Poster
Why… why is he “hard”? Why would I want a poster of that? What’s going on?
4) Jingle All The Way 2 DVD
Disgusting to see such disrespect shown to Governor Schwarzanegger and Sinbad (RIP) by Lawrence the Cable Guy and The Fed. Does Santino do his accent in this? He’d have to, right? That might be the one bright spot, but I’ll never know for sure because I’ll never watch this (unless I do).
Also, it seems ridiculous that WWE would make a Jingle All The Way sequel but not have “Big Nasty” Paul Wight reprise his role as the massive Santa that Arnie has a scrap with:
5) Stone Cold Steve Austin Resin Statue
THIS IS ALMOST $300. THAT’S A LOT OF FUCKING MONEY FOR SOMETHING THAT’S A) MADE OUT OF RESIN (WHICH IS NOT A PRECIOUS MATERIAL AS FAR AS I KNOW) AND B) LOOKS A BIT SHIT.
Let’s get a closer look at the specs:
Thank GOODNESS they captured his trademark knee brace, and I’m sure that “authentic piece of ring memorabilia” completely justifies the price. Also, a Stone Cold Steve Austin statue that comes with a “certificate of authenticity hand-signed by Todd McFarlane”? It’s like the ’90s never went away.
6) Any Barbershop Window t-shirt which has a smark pun on it
No, I’m not.
No, I’m not going to do that.
NO, THIS IS CRAP, STOP IT.
FUCK’S SAKE, NO, “STAR” DOESN’T EVEN RHYME WITH “SMARK”. BShop Window, you should feel ashamed of yourselves.
7) Impact Zone Directional Sign
This is kind of a big bummer! Not that I have any particular affinity for the Impact Zone or anything, but selling off this kind of ephemera is the sort of thing you’d only expect a dead or dying company to do. Also… well, TJ puts it best in his review on the ShopTNA site:
You said it, Teej.
8) Bellas Jewelry
$45 for this stainless steel rubbish. Does anyone give enough of a fuck about the Bellas to justify a tatty jewelry line? Is this just what happens when you’re a reality TV star? Will they be getting a perfume next?
Anyway, if you’ve got a girlfriend or wife that you’re fed up with, why not get them this for Christmas to ensure the collapse of your relationship?
9) Bully Ray / Dixie Carter Table Collectable
What kind of a psychopath would you have to be to spend $161.99 on this “collectable” commemorating a middle-aged woman being powerbombed through a table? Well, looking at the reviews, a psychopath like Hank from Florida:
Joey Joe Joe also weighs in on this incredible collector’s item, but I’m pretty sure he’s taking the piss (or at least I hope he is):
Finally, we’ve got Guy who is NOT impressed but has an idea for how to make it better:
10) A Skype call with Tammy Sytch.
The downfall of Sunny continues. Just to clarify, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with ladies charging people to watch them get up to stuff over Skype, but there’s a certain amount of desperation here that makes it a real downer, especially given it was… what, two years ago that she went into the Hall of Fame? It doesn’t help that she’s taking bookings for Christmas Day because… Jesus, just imagine that. I’ll leave you with that to think about and end things here. Happy fucking holidays.
– Tom WILL return with another new Merch Table at some point in the future. Until then, be sure to tweet him @TomBlargh or e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org with any terrible merch scoops. Want more Merch Table? You can check out our archive of past Merch Tables here.