Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.
Every week, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this week: TNA REVIEWS SPECIAL.
I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating – the TNA online shop is complete anarchy. To log on to ShopTNA.com is to tumble down a rabbit hole into a fevered wonderland of bewildering merch and shill videos. However, one of the most fascinating and insane things about the site is something I’ve not really covered before – the customer reviews.
Now, they call them reviews, but that’s a little misleading. It’s completely unmoderated, so the comments range from personal messages meant for the wrestlers and rants aimed at the TNA creative team to fan-on-fan bickering and ramblings which just make no sense at all. It’s incredible, so I’ve collected a few of my favourites below. LET’S GET STARTED.
Velvet Sky t-shirt
The best way of proving to the world that you don’t care about what they think is always to go out of your way to tell everyone just that. Good job, Steve! You’ve demonstrated you’re definitely not a perv.
TNA long sleeve t-shirt
Declan Doyle takes a cheeky little snipe at Ric Flair’s age in his five star review of this shirt, which is beautifully modelled by Chris Sabin. Perfectly harmless, right?
WRONG, AND BROTHER MARCUS IS HERE TO TELL DECLAN WHY YOU DO not GET TO TALK SHIT ABOUT THE FLAWLESS BEING THAT IS RIC FLAIR.
Jeff Hardy glow in the dark t-shirt
BOB’s got the right attitude when it comes to merch! Who cares what it says, it’s all amazing! BUY BUY BUY CONSUME CONSUME CONSUME.
TNA logo hoodie
‘Photoshop job’? You wish, buddy! JB’s just that handsome, no digital manipulation necessary.
Hulk Hogan t-shirt
Eric Bischoff burst into Hulk Hogan’s office, clutching a print-out of the latest TNA Shop reviews. “Hulk! Have you seen it?”
Hulk looked up sadly, his eyes red and puffy. Clearly, he’d been crying. “I’ve seen it, brother. If only I’d listened to Jerry.” The Hulkster broke down again, weeping uncontrollably as his long-time pal watched. “If only I’d listened to Jerry…”
Jeff Jarrett t-shirt
First of all, Dylan, ‘people who review these reviews’? Man, there ain’t nobody reviewing these reviews. Well, until now, I guess, but I don’t count.
Second of all, thank you for telling us about your doctor’s appointment on January 19th. I hope it went well and that Jeff Jarrett comes to your town sometime soon.
TNA softshell jacket
“It isn’t expensive enough so I had to give it 4 stars”.
“Speaking of the wrestler I just watched that movie”
Wait, what? Nobody was talking about The Wrestler.
“that band that played the song at the end was pretty cool I think their name is Twisted Sitter”
Yes, Twisted Sitter, that is exactly their name
“Quote the Foot, always proud”? Looks like SOMEBODY’S trying to establish themselves a catchphrase! #BRANDING
Hard Justice 2005
I have no idea what Cowboy Johnny Cakes is doing here. I feel like he’s trolling us, maybe? My irony meter is all out of whack from prolonged exposure to TNA fans though. Anyway, he makes the cut solely for “You even get to see her right booby pop out of her top.AMAZING NIGHT OF WRESTLING!”
Knockouts: The Ladies of TNA Wrestling DVD
I don’t want to call Tonto a liar, but I’m pretty sure there isn’t an easter egg on any TNA DVD that “gives you access to christy hemme naked in the shower” where you can “ceck out beautiful boobs with her huge nipples”.
Awkward TNA Picture of the Week
The star of this week’s Awkward TNA Picture of the Week ties into this week’s theme…
…since this picture of Lacey Von Erich isn’t especially awkward, until you see one of the reviews posted under it:
Really though, I’m not sure if being a porn star is any less respectable than being a TNA Knockout. I’m guessing that, at the very least, porn stars don’t need to work at Sunglass Hut to supplement their income.
Knocked Out DVD
Todd, you’re sending some mixed signals here.
Jeff Jarrett autographed guitar
ShopTNA.com – the home of ridiculously involved reviews of Jeff Jarrett’s signature, complete with a snarky putdown of Hulk Hogan’s.
Dixie Carter photo
John, that terrible line did NOT warrant a self-LOL.
Jeff Hardy spandex zip-up
…and what? Chaivus, are you okay? Chaivus?
Hey, can somebody in Concord, NC go check on Chaivus? I think he had a stroke in the middle of writing his review.
Velvet Sky banner
“green paint ruins my banner” We’ve all been there, man. We’ve all been there.
– @TomBlargh WILL return with another new Merch Table next week. Until then, be sure to tweet him @TomBlargh or e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org with any terrible merch scoops. Want more Merch Table? You can check out our archive of past Merch Tables here. Tom is also the chairman of the WCW Comic Book Reading Club, if you want to read his thoughts on the greatest comic in the history of our sport.