Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.
Every week, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this week: TNA AUCTIONS SPECIAL.
Really though, it’d be rude to cover WWE and ignore TNA, since their auction site has been around longer and features just as much crap. Granted, it doesn’t get quite the same amount of attention (so don’t expect any $2,000 ladder rungs or $1,000 hoodies), but that doesn’t mean we should love them any less! LET’S GET STARTED.
Monitor smashed by Bobby Roode
OFF TO A ROUGH START. TNA, this is not a collectable. This is junk. Look how they describe it:
“Please note this is an actual monitor that has been smashed. It is not functioning in any way and does have broken glass.”
OH, NON-FUNCTIONING? BROKEN GLASS? WELL, THIS CERTAINLY SEEMS LIKE SOMETHING I SHOULD PAY MONEY FOR. Seriously, there is absolutely nothing you can do to display this without looking like a hoarder, though somebody still paid $122.51 for it. The accompanying picture of Roode raging against the machine (literally) is pretty great though:
Look at Borash looking on disdainfully. THERE’S STARVING KIDS IN AFRICA WHO COULD HAVE USED THAT MONITOR, BOBBY.
AJ Styles worn ring gear
There’s probably no good reason to own worn AJ Styles ring gear. However, now AJ’s just about in his late 30s, he seems to have become a much sweatier man so at least you’re probably guaranteed a good amount of residual AJ stank on his tights. Take a look at the picture that comes with it:
That’s a stinky looking dude if ever I saw one. Anyway, someone paid $395 for this.
Event-used Slammiversary chairs and turnbuckle pad
So this is at least kind of interesting, event-used chairs and a turnbuckle pad. The turnbuckle pad actually looks kinda cool and isn’t so obnoxiously big that you could get it mounted and display it without looking crazy.
The chairs though… I mean, there is something satisfying about the dent in the chair that Sting used on Bully, possibly as a result of this DEVASTATING SHOT:
The chair from the Gail Kim /
Terrence Taryn Terrell isn’t quite so bashed out of shape, because it seemed to be used in more… uh… ‘creative’ spots:
However, if you’re some kind of pervert who wants to sit on a chair knowing that it’s been sandwiched between two female wrestlers… well, then this is perfect for your needs. You sicko. No wonder this lot went for $810.
Awkward TNA Picture of the Week
The star of this week’s Awkward TNA Picture of the Week is…
…RAMPAGE JACKSON! Oh Rampage. I know you’re trying to project a bad-ass tough-guy image with that pose, but I can see the sadness in your eyes.
Bully Ray smashed table
OH MY GOD, SMASHED TABLES ARE NOT COLLECTABLE. This is somehow less objectionable than the monitor though, since at least you can probably mount it on a wall somehow (though I have no idea why you’d want to). There is one thing that makes it weird though:
So Bully’s the one who got smashed through the table… and now they’re asking him to sign it as well? What?! How perverse is that? It’s like stabbing a dude and then asking him to sign the knife! Some lunatic paid $86 for this and I just hope they’re pleased with themselves.
Hardcore Justice signed chair
This might come as a shock to many of you, but it turns out former ECW dude tend to have pretty dreadful penmanship. Check it out:
God bless Fonzie, Too Cold Scorpio, Kid Kash and Head for actually being identifiable. The rest can go screw. Still, it went for $234.99, so I guess TNA fans aren’t that fussy.
Suicide signed baseball
WHY IS SUICIDE SIGNING A BASEBALL? WHY IS SOMEONE PAYING $39.99 FOR A SIGNED SUICIDE BASEBALL? There’s zero indication of whether the Suicide who signed this was Kaz, Christopher Daniels, Kiyoshi, TJ Perkins or even Austin Aries. What makes it even more special is the writing being barely legibile. It seems to read ‘Suicide Comes Alive’. Peter Frampton gonna sue somebody.
The most heartbreaking thing about this listing was the following little bit of text:
“While cleaning out Don West’s old office, we found some really cool stuff. Some of which is going to the wrestlers and other stuff, the fans have a chance to get.”
So, as part of the process of ejecting the greatest colour commentator and merch pitch-man TNA will ever know from his office, they salvaged a bunch of crap and decided to sell it to fans for a quick buck? For shame, TNA.
Jeff Hardy kids dress-up outfit
Jesus Christ. The tiny replica belt makes this especially disturbing. At the time of writing, this is still available on their eBay store for a buy-it-now price of $43.99, so if you feel like making the special child in your life exponentially more disturbing, why not snap it up?
Brooke Hogan wedding dress
Oh wrestling! Unless you’re somehow the exact size of Brooke Hogan and you don’t mind wearing something that’s got Hogan and Bully Ray sweat all over it, there’s not much you can say to justify getting this. Here’s another pic, in front of TNA’s signature Classy Blue Curtain:
Yep, that’s a wedding dress! At the time of writing, the bidding for this is at $495. It ends in a little under 5 days, so what do you think the final price will be? If it breaks $1,000… well, I’m going to feel deeply uncomfortable with the world, so let’s hope it doesn’t get that high.
– @TomBlargh WILL return with another new Merch Table next week. Until then, be sure to tweet him @TomBlargh or e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org with any terrible merch scoops. You can also check out our archive of past Merch Tables if you need more terrible wrestling merchandise in your life. He’s also the chairman of the WCW Comic Book Reading Club.