• The Merch Table: PWTees Podcast Shirts Special

    Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.

    Every so often, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this time: PWTees Podcast Shirts Special.

    Pro Wrestling Tees is a cool concept for wrestlers to sell shirts to fans, but one thing I wasn’t aware of until recently is the Podcast and YouTube Shows section. I was kind of amazed at the number of shows who were selling stuff there, so I decided to do some investigative reporting and deduce:

    1) What kind of shirts are these guys selling anyway?

    2) Is anyone actually buying them?

    3) Should Wrestling On Earth jump on board the PWTees train and start making megabuck$$$?

    All very important questions, I’m sure you’ll agree. So, without further ado, LET’S GET STARTED.

    DaShawn’s 2 Cents

    Oh DaShawn. If you’re unfamiliar with DaShawn, he’s the fella responsible for this supreme slice of awkwardness featuring Joey Ryan, Brian Kendrick and Wrestling On Earth’s number one sweetheart, Paul London:

    Yeah, it’s… it’s pretty rough stuff. Does DaShawn have t-shirts? OF COURSE HE DOES! Let’s check them out.

    classic_logo_2

    Of course, the classic DaShawn’s 2 Cents logo. The recognised symbol of excellence in sports entertainment podcasting.

    extreme_2_cents

    Oh, an ECW parody shirt! That’s always fun and original. Do you think we’ll see any more parody shirts from other podcasts? God, I hope so!

    kool_aid

    I, uh… I don’t know what’s going on here. DaShawn, can you explain?

    Fair enough then.

    Is anyone actually buying them?

    I went straight to the source and asked DaShawn on Twitter. Here’s his response:

    ANSWER: Yeah, alright mate, whatever you say.

    Wrestling Heels

    There’s nothing I like better in wrestling than when someone proudly describes themselves as a ‘heel’. It shows that you’re both familiar with insider terms AND you’re a dangerous character who doesn’t play by the rules! Pretty sexy stuff, man. So, naturally, Wrestling Heels have some pretty sexy shirts:

    wrestling-heels-1

    Mm mmm MMMMM, look at those sexy lady silhouettes! Who WOULDN’T want to wear this?

    wrestlingheels2

    And another sexy lady silhouette! I don’t know about you guys, but I’m getting kinda hot just looking at this. I guess it’s true what they say: CHICKS DIG HEELS! Those Wrestling Heels guys must be just SWIMMING in sexy ladies!

    Is anyone actually buying them?

    I asked the Wrestling Heels themselves. Here was their reply:

    ANSWER: Doesn’t sound like it.

    Marks On Commentary

    I also like it when people refer to themselves as ‘marks’. They’re taking it back! They’re owning it! They’re proud to be marking out, bro, and they don’t care who knows it!

    get_color_front

    Oh, like the Stone Cold shirt. Does it have anything on the back?

    get_color_back

    Yes, the harrowing image of a bloody monitor. Wearing sunglasses.

    marks_wanted

    Oh, like the Cactus Jack shirt! Cool, great. These parody shirts aren’t getting old or anything.

    Is anyone actually buying them?

    I asked the Marks, they answered:

    ANSWER: Sure, maybe (and I ask because somebody has to, brother. It’s called being an investigative journalist, look it up.)

    Virtuoso Sports

    virtuososports1003

    HAHA GREAT, ANOTHER PARODY SHIRT. Honestly though, this BARELY qualifies. If you’re going to do an “I’M A PAUL HEYMAN GUY” parody shirt then JESUS CHRIST, at least try to match the font.

    virtuososports1005

    Likewise for if you’re going to try and do a ‘KILL STEEN KILL’ parody shirt. COME ON GUYS, THERE ARE LOADS OF SERVICES OUT THERE THAT MAKE IT SUPER EASY TO MATCH FONTS. Care more about what you do if you’re expecting people to spend $24.99 (+ shipping and handling) on your shirt!

    virtuososports1002

    Well, at least it’s not a parody shirt. Vince, Dixie… you just got SERVED!!!

    Is anyone actually buying them?

    ANSWER: They didn’t reply to me when I asked on Twitter so DEFINITELY NOT.

    **PARODY SHIRT SHIT-DOWN**

    Look, there’s a lot of parody shirts in the Podcast Shows section. I GET IT, it saves you coming up with your own design and it’s more likely to be bought if it resembles something familiar but OH MAN does it get exhausting, especially since they’re all stepping over each other to parody the same designs!

    Need examples? No problem. You’ve got multiple podcasts with:

    nwo-parody

    nWo parody shirts (where they’ve matched the nWo font to varying degrees of success).

    macho-parody

    Macho Man parody shirts.

    hot-rod-paroy

    Rowdy Roddy Piper parody shirts.

    punk-shirts

    And even multiple parody shirts of the most garish CM Punk design. IT’S OUT OF CONTROL, GUYS. COME UP WITH YOUR OWN SHIT FOR ONCE.

    Surprisingly though, the absolute dirt-worst shirts in the podcast shirts section aren’t parodies – they’re 100% original and 100% absolutely fucking dreadful. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you… The Ford Show.

    The Ford Show

    Always save the worst for last. I’ve got no idea who this Ford character is or what his deal is but the absolute STATE of his shirts. Seriously, check them out:

    kend_1

    Imagine wearing this. Imagine seeing someone wearing this. Ford, what’s the deal?

    Screen Shot 2014-07-18 at 12.25.33

    A made-up rumour that John Cena fucked a porn star isn’t justification for this, brother. Also, “where the shirt”, COME ON, MAN.

    the_show

    Ford, explain yourself.

    Screen Shot 2014-07-18 at 12.26.58

    NOT GOOD ENOUGH. There’s a LOT more to be said and I WILL be talking with your mother about all this.

    Is anyone actually buying them?

    ANSWER: As far as I can tell, not only does The Ford Show not have a Twitter account, they’re not even an active podcast anymore. Does that stop them trying to shill shirts? Of course it doesn’t, this is AMERICA.

    So what now?

    Having conducted such exhaustive research on what really sells, I’m proud to announce the Wrestling On Earth range of t-shirts! Check ’em out below, and get ready to spend $24.99 on an item of clothing that’ll be pushed to the back of your drawer and forgotten about supporting your favourite website!

    Wrestling On Earth t-shirts, coming soon!

    woe-nWo

    How many nWo parody shirts do you own? I’ll tell you how many, NOT ENOUGH! That’s why you need to get the Wrestling On Earth nWo shirt. We’ve even matched the font! Almost!

    PG-FRONT

    Somebody had to take a stand against those corporate fucks, and I guess it had to be us. Is there something on the back of the shirt?

    PG-BACK

    YOU’D BETTER FUCKING BELIEVE THERE IS.

    woe-kfc

    Why? Because we like the KFC man, that’s why.

    sex

    As good brother Ford proved, sex sells. Sadly, Ron Jeremy was the only porn star we could afford, but we still think it’s startlingly erotic stuff that anyone would be proud to wear on a t-shirt.

    SO YEAH, THAT’S IT. God, I’m so excited to make my fortune in t-shirt sales. Thanks in advance for buying the shirts and I’ll see you next time!

    – @TomBlargh WILL return with another new Merch Table at some point in the future. Until then, be sure to tweet him @TomBlargh or e-mail us at wrestlingonearth@gmail.com with any terrible merch scoops. Want more Merch Table? You can check out our archive of past Merch Tables here.

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