Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.
Every so often, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this time: What The Fuck, Paige Fans.
Just a short one this week. I was on the WWE Auctions site today, which is a testament to just how terrible wrestling fans are with money. You’ve got people spending $360 on a used chair, over $700 on a director’s slate, and $310 on pieces of a broken table (the last of which would be seen as ACTUAL GARBAGE in pretty much any other industry aside from wrestling).
However, nothing compares to the money being splashed around by Paige fans, who I’m now convinced are all absolute fucking psychopaths. You’ll see what I mean. LET’S GET STARTED.
Paige signed t-shirt
Alright, cool. It’s a Paige t-shirt – not one she wore or anything, just one she signed. Typically, these go for between $100 and $200 on the WWE Auctions site. How much do you think Paige’s went for?
YEAH. YEAH. $2,010. WE’RE NOT FUCKING AROUND HERE. Let’s have a look at the heroes who were bidding on this incredible collectible:
Nhronis is setting the pace here as the number one connoisseur of Paige collectibles. Do you think we’ll see him dominate the rest of the listings… or will a challenger emerge?
Okay, Rob Schamberger painting. Pretty neat – it’s not that huge or anything and, again, these things tend to go for between $100 and $200. Think we’ll see Paige’s go for something similar?
NOPE, IT WENT FOR TWO THOUSAND, NINE HUNDRED AND NINETY DOLLARS. WHAT. Who could have been competing for this incredible piece of art?
HMM, INTERESTING. We see Nhronis show up again, but he’s clearly not as dedicated as the hot, new contender Nasser. Surely these two can’t have the funds to afford more high-end Paige auction items though… can they?
Paige signed Divas replica title belt
A Divas title belt. These already go for a few hundred bucks, and generally, the signature will add another couple hundred on WWE Auctions. For Paige though… I mean, I think it’s been well-established that all logic goes out the window with her stuff, so I couldn’t even begin to guess.
Sure, $4,500. That makes sense. That makes so much sense. I can’t even comprehend money anymore. Can you guess the individuals who were driving up the price of this prestigious item?
YEAH, FUCKING SHOCKER. Another decisive victory for Nasser, and honestly, Nhronis is really going to have to get back in the game if he wants to be in the running to be considered number one creepy Paige fan. There’s only one round left but… man, it’s a big one.
Worn Paige t-shirt
God damn it. God fucking damn it. Here’s the deal – if you have a serious interest in owning a worn item of clothing by ANYONE, I’m going to be somewhat suspicious about your motivations. When it’s a lady wrestler? Forget it, I’m going to petition that you be placed on every list and register I can find.
Clearly, this was going to be big news for the Paige fans. Other items of worn clothing have gone for around $400/500. For Paige’s worn t-shirt though? It gets INSANE.
FUCK THIS. FUCK WRESTLING FANS. Let’s see who won this bidding war:
Congratulations, Nasser, you are confirmed as the ultimate creepy Paige fan. I hope you enjoyed spending $13,500 on a torn-up t-shirt, a small painting and a replica title belt and that you’re never allowed within 500 yards of Paige!