Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.
Every week, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this week: IT CAME FROM EBAY.
It was only a matter of time, really. If Highspots is a lake of questionable merch, then eBay’s an ocean. I can’t possibly hope to cover everything in one column, but hopefully this gives you a taste of what the world’s biggest garage sale has to offer in terms of wrestling merchandise. LET’S GET STARTED.
WWF Hulk Hogan Sleeping Bag
So, you’re planning a sleepover. What’s the first thing you need to get? A SLEEPING BAG, DUH. Where are you gonna get one? EBAY, OF COURSE! Buying a used sleeping bag is BETTER than buying a new one because it’s already got that lived-in feel and smell!
So you start searching around, seeing what’s out there and OH JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS THAT
…okay, woah, it’s just this listing’s featured picture of a Hulk Hogan sleeping bag.
I have literally no idea why they would choose that first picture as the one to really sell it, but hey, it got my attention (mostly because it reminded me of this though):
So yeah, maybe not the best picture to use after all.
Terry Taylor Poster
Well hello yourself, Terry Taylor. Room in there for two?
What makes this especially seedy is the ruler at the bottom. It’s unsettling to have the mental image of measuring a naked Terry Taylor stuck in your head.
WCW Sheets and Pillowcase
Back to the sleepover scenario. You passed on the sleeping bag, it was just a bit too creepy. What are you going to get instead? Well, how about this:
That’s right, a WCW bedding set, with all your favourites! Sting, Macho Man, The Giant, Goldberg… and DDP, looking extremely seductive. Really, who wouldn’t want to wake up next to this?
Awkward TNA Picture of the Week
The star of this week’s Awkward TNA Picture of the Week is…
“Look, I don’t know what you want from me here. I’ve got my make-up on, I’ve got the shirt on. Do you want me to do the gun-fingers pose? Just give me some directi-”
“Okay, that’s great Jeff, thanks! Send the next guy in, we’ve only got the studio for another hour.”
Kevin Nash Korner
Everyone loves ‘Big Sexy’ Kevin Nash. Well, maybe not everyone, but he’s always got some fun stories to tell and you’ll find it hard not to adopt his catchphrase of ‘On a HOUSE SHOW??!’ once you hear the story The Young Bucks tell about him on their episode of The Kevin Steen Show.
He’s also been the subject of some spectacular merch though, including:
A CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT! Insert joke about Kev coming down chimneys here.
A VIBRATING ACTION FIGURE! What’s especially worrying about this is that in the description, it says the batteries have run out, so clearly the previous owner had been using the vibrating action of Little Big Sexy a LOT.
However, not all the Kevin Nash merch is fun and games. I’ve been having some pretty rigorous therapy to recover from the WCW Halloween costumes from last week. There’s been some progress, but I think I’m set to have a serious regression after seeing…
A KEVIN NASH BRAWLING BUDDY! Oh god why does this exist. Why do I have to look at this. At least there isn’t a DDP one too, that’d probably push me over the ed-
OH GOD NOT COOL. FORGET IT. COLUMN’S OVER.