• merch-table-halloween1

    The Merch Table: Halloween Special (Part 1)

    Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.

    Every week, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this week: HALLOWEEN SPECIAL (PART 1).

    Everybody loves Halloween, especially wrestling fans! But how are you supposed to dress as your favourite in-ring competitor when all most of them wear is a tiny pair of spandex panties? You ain’t got the body to pull that off, and brother, it’s COLD outside.

    The easiest solution is to just go as Cena (t-shirt, jorts, buzzcut) or Punk (t-shirt, basketball shorts, magic marker tattoo sleeves) but if you want to try something else, then wrestling companies are there to help, with all sorts of costume ideas! And by ‘all sorts of costume ideas’, I mostly mean ‘really horrific vinyl masks’! I’ve run out of ideas got a lot of love for Halloween, so this’ll be a two parter. LET’S GET STARTED.

    Goldberg mask

    goldberg1

    RIGHT, jumping straight into the deep end this week. There’s something to be said for how (relatively) lifelike this is, assuming it’s a version of Big Bill from his period spent being tortured in the fifth layer of hell.  Maybe it looks a little less horrific from another angle though:

    goldberg2

    THAT ISN’T BETTER. Maybe from a side-on perspective?

    goldberg3

    NO. Okay, one last try, maybe it won’t be terrifying if we zoom in a little?

    goldberg4

    FORGET IT.

    Sting TNA costume

    sting-tna

    HUR HUR HUR DOESN’T LOOK LIKE TNA-ERA STING TO ME BRO, HE’S NOT EVEN WEARING A T-SHIRT HUR HUR HUR. Anyway, once you look past the wacky proportions of the belt and the muscles, it’s a pretty good job by TNA! By TNA’s standards, at least (i.e. the lowest standards known to man).

    Sable mask

    sable

    “Vince, we’ve got those vinyl masks of Sable you wanted.”

    “GREAT, TERRIFIC, EXCELLENT, SHUT UP, GO AWAY.”

    “Just one thing… who are we expecting to buy these?”

    “GOD DAMN WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THEY’RE FOR ALL THE GIRLS WHO WANT TO BE AS BEAUTIFUL AS SABLE FOR HALLOWEEN.”

    sable1

    “100% SUCCESS! MAKE SURE LINDA AND STEPH BOTH GET ONE. NOW GET OUTTA HERE, I NEED TO FINISH MY LUNCH OF A ROLLED UP NEWSPAPER STUFFED WITH RAW HAMBURGER MEAT AND KETCHUP.”

    Chris Jericho mask

    chris-jericho

    Wait, didn’t we just do this?

    sablevsy2j

    Halloween, confirmed as a confusing time for Chris Jericho (though possibly an even more confusing time for Brock Lesnar).

    Stone Cold costume

    austin-child

    As great as this kid is, I don’t think most children have the gumption (or the facial hair make-up application skills) to pull off being Lil’ Stone Cold. Unless you get them super drunk, I guess.

    ***INTERMISSION START***

    Awkward TNA Picture of the Week

    The star of this week’s Awkward TNA Picture of the Week is…

    dixieland

    Dixie Carter, who sadly isn’t pictured modelling her spectacular ‘Dixie Land’ t-shirt, but still qualifies based on the comments and reviews that have flooded the TNA site since this hot item debuted a couple of weeks ago. You should definitely have a look for yourself, but here’s an example of what to expect:

    dixie-dildos

    ***INTERMISSION END***

    Big Show mask

    big-show

    LOOK AT THAT INTENSITY. Remember when Big Show had hair? #BRINGBACKTHEATTITUDEERA. Let’s take a closer look:

    big-show2

    It’s handy that there’s such a generous amount of room in the eye holes, so you can install your own fully-functioning tear ducts to make it a 2013 accurate Big Show.

    Jesse Ventura mask

    ventura

    BONUS: Also functions as a ‘Goldberg’s dad’ mask.

    Umaga costume

    umaga

    There’s a LOT to deal with here. Having a nerdy white kid dress up as Umaga really reveals the character as stunningly racist.

    Wolfpac Sting mask

    sting-red

    WCW MAN WHY YOU GOTTA MAKE SUCH CREEPY MASKS? Maybe it’s just the Wolfpac influence though, it’s too much red. Surely a Sting latex mask looks perfectly fine in his classic white facepaint?

    Regular Sting mask

    sting-white

    OH JESUS NO.

    - @TomBlargh WILL return with another new Merch Table next week. Until then, be sure to tweet him @TomBlargh or e-mail us at wrestlingonearth@gmail.com with any terrible merch scoops. Want more Merch Table? You can check out our archive of past Merch Tables here. Tom is also the chairman of the WCW Comic Book Reading Club, if you want to read his thoughts on the greatest comic in the history of our sport.

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