Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.
Every week, @tomblackett will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this week: HALLOWEEN SPECIAL (PART 1).
Everybody loves Halloween, especially wrestling fans! But how are you supposed to dress as your favourite in-ring competitor when all most of them wear is a tiny pair of spandex panties? You ain’t got the body to pull that off, and brother, it’s COLD outside.
The easiest solution is to just go as Cena (t-shirt, jorts, buzzcut) or Punk (t-shirt, basketball shorts, magic marker tattoo sleeves) but if you want to try something else, then wrestling companies are there to help, with all sorts of costume ideas! And by ‘all sorts of costume ideas’, I mostly mean ‘really horrific vinyl masks’! I’ve
run out of ideas got a lot of love for Halloween, so this’ll be a two parter. LET’S GET STARTED.
RIGHT, jumping straight into the deep end this week. There’s something to be said for how (relatively) lifelike this is, assuming it’s a version of Big Bill from his period spent being tortured in the fifth layer of hell. Maybe it looks a little less horrific from another angle though:
THAT ISN’T BETTER. Maybe from a side-on perspective?
NO. Okay, one last try, maybe it won’t be terrifying if we zoom in a little?
Sting TNA costume
HUR HUR HUR DOESN’T LOOK LIKE TNA-ERA STING TO ME BRO, HE’S NOT EVEN WEARING A T-SHIRT HUR HUR HUR. Anyway, once you look past the wacky proportions of the belt and the muscles, it’s a pretty good job by TNA! By TNA’s standards, at least (i.e. the lowest standards known to man).
“Vince, we’ve got those vinyl masks of Sable you wanted.”
“GREAT, TERRIFIC, EXCELLENT, SHUT UP, GO AWAY.”
“Just one thing… who are we expecting to buy these?”
“GOD DAMN WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THEY’RE FOR ALL THE GIRLS WHO WANT TO BE AS BEAUTIFUL AS SABLE FOR HALLOWEEN.”
“100% SUCCESS! MAKE SURE LINDA AND STEPH BOTH GET ONE. NOW GET OUTTA HERE, I NEED TO FINISH MY LUNCH OF A ROLLED UP NEWSPAPER STUFFED WITH RAW HAMBURGER MEAT AND KETCHUP.”
Chris Jericho mask
Wait, didn’t we just do this?
Halloween, confirmed as a confusing time for Chris Jericho (though possibly an even more confusing time for Brock Lesnar).
Stone Cold costume
As great as this kid is, I don’t think most children have the gumption (or the facial hair make-up application skills) to pull off being Lil’ Stone Cold. Unless you get them super drunk, I guess.
Awkward TNA Picture of the Week
The star of this week’s Awkward TNA Picture of the Week is…
…Dixie Carter, who sadly isn’t pictured modelling her spectacular ‘Dixie Land’ t-shirt, but still qualifies based on the comments and reviews that have flooded the TNA site since this hot item debuted a couple of weeks ago. You should definitely have a look for yourself, but here’s an example of what to expect:
Big Show mask
LOOK AT THAT INTENSITY. Remember when Big Show had hair? #BRINGBACKTHEATTITUDEERA. Let’s take a closer look:
It’s handy that there’s such a generous amount of room in the eye holes, so you can install your own fully-functioning tear ducts to make it a 2013 accurate Big Show.
Jesse Ventura mask
BONUS: Also functions as a ‘Goldberg’s dad’ mask.
There’s a LOT to deal with here. Having a nerdy white kid dress up as Umaga really reveals the character as stunningly racist.
Wolfpac Sting mask
WCW MAN WHY YOU GOTTA MAKE SUCH CREEPY MASKS? Maybe it’s just the Wolfpac influence though, it’s too much red. Surely a Sting latex mask looks perfectly fine in his classic white facepaint?
Regular Sting mask
OH JESUS NO.
- @tomblackett WILL return with another new Merch Table next week. Until then, be sure to tweet him @tomblackett or e-mail us at firstname.lastname@example.org with any terrible merch scoops. Want more Merch Table? You can check out our archive of past Merch Tables here. Tom is also the chairman of the WCW Comic Book Reading Club, if you want to read his thoughts on the greatest comic in the history of our sport.