Welcome to Seven Things, a weekly list that consists of very eclectic topics.
This week, we’re going to take a glance at the list of some of your favorite pro wrestlers who have gone through or are still going through a midlife crisis before our very eyes. The plight of the midlife crisis happens to the best of us but much like most entertainment industries, egos run prevalent in the world wrestling which just makes it more fun and frequent.
7. Hulk Hogan
Perhaps the longest midlife crisis going, Hulk Hogan is currently 60 years old and has been going through his midlife crisis since the WCW days. Turning heel, Hulkster seemed way too happy to be the bad ass heel for the first time in his career as he was hitting his mid 40’s. You can argue the NWO groups were just groups of dudes going through a midlife crisis together while color coding black and white or red and black.
Fast forward 15 years and Hogan is spotted wearing Affliction shirts daily and dating a woman more than 20 years younger than him that “coincidentally” happens to look like a doppelganger to Brooke Hogan. The Hogan Knows Best household went through a collective midlife crisis as ex wife Linda Hogan went on to date 20 year olds and write a “tell-all book.” The top bullet points on what to do when panicking upon the realization that you’re old.
6. Shane Douglas
To start things off, he still wears backwards Kangol hats in 2013. That alone warrants a spot on the list. Trying to “bring back the extreme” with his Extreme Reunion shows brings light to the entire ECW roster going through their crises. No age specification when it comes to ECW crises today.
In a legendary promo, Shane Douglas tells off Dixie Carter and Vince McMahon with the punchline “YOU’VE BEEN SERVED!” In typical midlife crisis, the Franchise takes it back to 2003 lingo to appeal to the kids. In unrelated news, Shane Douglas is part of a film the world needs to see – Pro Wrestlers vs. Zombies. (No relation to WWECW’s Zombie. Or the current day zombies from the original ECW.)
5. Chris Jericho
I’m sure most readers would have thought Jericho when opening a list of wrestlers going through midlife crises, given the hair, pleather leggings, new tattoos and basically the entire existence Chris Jericho currently has.
I must admit I’m a fan of Jericho and his wacky outfit choices – all midlife crises aren’t a bad thing, as seen in Jericho. This is a case of when a midlife crisis goes right. When he returns next time (and he will), I think he should just embrace it all like our #1 choice did, as you’ll soon see. You can read more about the internet’s opinion on midlife crisis Y2J here.
4. Jerry Lawler
Similar to Hulkster, Jerry Lawler is known for dating women a third of his age. It’s “his thing.” Kind of a shame he’s known more for that than his great wrestling history in this generation of wrestling fan circles. Lawler happens to dress like a tryhard 17 year old going to a public gathering for the first time in his life.
Midlife crisis tip: If they are over 30 and wearing Affliction shirts or Affliction looking shirts, they are on a midlife crisis. If they are under 30 wearing it, they are just a douchebag.
So the Undertaker is the most interesting of all the prior midlife crisis predicaments mentioned so far as we’ve seen two cases of it. First on television, he randomly wanted to stop being the Dead Man and started riding a motorcycle, cut off all his hair, used multiple entrance themes by popular artists and wore snakeskin pants in a title match. That’s more impressive than the Wrestlemania streak.
Now in real life, pictures circulate every few months of him wearing fedoras and skinny jeans. The guy who walked on ropes and threw Mick Foley off the cell is a mega hipster. Things like this make me appreciate the beauty of life. We can only hope he returns this year in horn-rimmed glasses telling Brock Lesnar he was better in 2002 to start their Wrestlemania program.
2. Vince McMahon
The absolute creepiest of all listed so far, McMahon has had a track history of doing ridiculous things to feed his own ego and it would grow as his age did. One of the deepest and darkest facets of a midlife crisis is an abuse of power and ego trip. The “Kiss My Ass Club” was the product of an old man coming to grips with the fact that he’s lived more years than he has left. In the next decade, things will get ugly when Triple H comes to grips with his.
To make things even creepier, the elderly VKM would book himself to make out with the more attractive female talent on the roster. Rumors say that he booked his daughter to make out with fellow old man Eric Bischoff to prove it’s all for show and anyone is fair game to justify it. We can also make note of his constant harassing of Jim Ross as he grew older. Quite frankly, the grossest midlife crisis award belongs to Vince McMahon.
P.S. His current hair. Thanks.
1. Randy Savage
The inspiration for this topic! Randy Savage returned to WCW after a few months off in mid-1999 with the biggest midlife crisis known to man. Randomly bringing his real life girlfriend, the then 22 year old Gorgeous George, he wore fur coats, lots of leather and the aforementioned Kangol hats.
His persona become more edgy and he swore a lot with a larger emphasis on his Madness moniker. The weird thing was it was kind of awesome. Imagine if Randy Orton took time off, returned out of nowhere with a fur coat and Kangol hat. His character would be the most interesting its ever been!
The midlife crisis got Savage a WCW title run. Unfortunately Hogan’s ego was in full drive with his midlife crisis that it overturned Savage’s and Hogan won the belt the night after. I encourage you all to find as much footage of midlife Macho as you can and bask in the glory of his pink fur coat.
Odd fact: Randy Savage’s last singles match in pro wrestling vs. Dennis Rodman. Thanks and good luck.