Many sites have a match of the week but ours is a little different. These matches are the ones that are fun to watch… in the non-traditional way.
This week, we’ve decided to make up for the last few weeks without a Match of the Week by having THREE matches. And ALL are celebrating Crash Holly. That’s right. Three Crash Holly matches. You’re welcome! Members of the site @TimWelcomed, @typicalROHfan and @TomBlackett give their (lack of) expertise on the action.
Part 1: Crash Holly vs. Tazz
Tazz, being the bully that he is, controls Crash Holly from the beginning, immediately taking him to the back because why wrestle in the ring if you do not have to? Tensai and a member of The Shield appear until Tazz throws Tensai into a freezer where he would freeze until being thawed out years later. Tazz was too busy trying to bully around a lot of people instead of just his opponent leading to him getting blindsided by a fire extinguisher and a 2X4 from Crash Holly who then gets the win.
Crash returns to the ring to celebrate. Then we see him explain the 24/7 rules. Then we get the pay-off by seeing him explain that the belt was under 24/7 rules again but this time in denim overalls! As he leaves The Mean Street Posse attacks him but they fight among themselves too much to accomplish anything.
Look at this goon Tazz rushing Crash Holly. Let the guy into the ring, jerk! I love how Michael Cole refers to Tazz of the two as the “overachiever.” The fight gets intense backstage.
Hey, look! WWE Superstar Tensai is running laps backstage as part of his cardio and this asshole Tazz pushes him into the wall and starts hitting him with a wrench for no reason whatsoever. Big Boss Man arrives to arrest Taz. Hooray, justice! Wait, what… Tazz throws Boss Man into a freezer. This vandal must be stopped!
Crash stands tall and defeats the scumbag bully. What a valiant hero. Crash then chats up Lillian Garcia and survives a fight with the Mean Street Posse. Normal day in the life of Crash, as we’ll see more of.
WELL, IF IT ISN’T MY UNFASHIONABLE NEMESIS TAZZ. The two start crowd brawling, which maybe isn’t the best idea for two guys of their stature because they get lost immediately. Things soon go backstage though, and it all feels very reminiscent of how you could take a fight to the back in WWF No Mercy for the N64. Remember that? Power bombing guys through that one table in the changing room? Great times.
King takes a shot at Brooklyn and the ‘seedy apartment buildings’ that Tazz probably grew up in and… wait, that’s more a shot at Tazz, isn’t it? You get him, King! Prince Albert shows up, Crash gets locked in a freezer, Big Bossman turns up and OH MY GOD why is the Hardcore Title still not in existence? Crash wearing dungarees at the end is completely perfect, even as the Mean Street Posse accost him in the parking lot.
Part 2: Crash Holly vs. A Group Of Clowns
This is exactly why the Hardcore Title would be welcomed by me with open arms if it got brought back. We have Teddy Long wearing a magnificent disguise. Why they did this without Doink showing up as the final clown is a good question. Major kudos to The Mean Street Posse for going all of the way with the costumes because the over-sized shoes brought a whole new vibe to the beat down. Somehow Crash Holly escaped this really scary event. More balloon stuff in wrestling please.
Crash Holly is enjoying a nice day at the circus and he is attacked by The Mean Street Posse posing as clowns. Okay, I can understand that. Clowns from Connecticut are evil. But WHY is Teddy Long disguised too? Was he trying to set up Crash? Why would he take part in such biased tomfoolery?
My educated guess is that TAZZ put him up to it. Crash survives the Posse, Teddy Long and Tazz’s juvenile mind games once again.
Crash with balloon animals is adorable. Teddy Long in disguise is also pretty spectacular, though it does make me question whether the costume industry is inherently racist since his fake nose is clearly meant for a caucasian. Do they not make fake noses for African-Americans? It’s a sick world we live in, man.
Crash gets assaulted by one clown after another. WHO ARE THESE VICIOUS CLO-oh, it’s the Posse again. Pete Gas as a clown is especially creepy – if WWE ever needs a new Doink, they’ve got one ready and waiting on the mean streets of Greenwich.
Part 3: Crash Holly at Fun Time USA
I don’t think I would allow Mosh and Thrasher into my establishment aimed at kids to beat up on a guy. I would not let Earl Hebner in on principle alone. The slide part made me feel queasy like Lance Storm watching The Shield when they had the shaky camera thing going on. Crash Holly gets in a pretty neat hurricanrana before running off and retaining once again. This guy couldn’t have one peaceful moment. Bring back the 24/7 Hardcore Title please.
One of my biggest regrets is never making it to Fun Time USA as a child. Games, rides, laser tag, pizza and frequent WWF wrestler appearances. What more was there to life? The peak was during this edition of Smackdown. Yes, kids, there was a time when Smackdown was a respectable show that featured Mosh and Thrasher hunting down Crash Holly in Fun Time USA.
The most resourceful Holly gives us the iconic moments of the slide cam and ball pit lariat. Crash ends it with the greatest hurricanrana that ever existed and rides into the sunset. #CrashHolly2014WWEHOF
King compares Crash to ‘a little Pac-Man’ as he goes down the slide, so that’s King confirmed as having no idea what Pac-Man is. Watching Mosh and Thrasher whipping Crash with their belts in Fun Time USA is really pretty disturbing stuff, but they soon lighten things up again with the chase through the jungle gym / ball pit. Why hasn’t there been a company that’s just replaced the wrestling ring for a giant ball pit? It seems like such an obvious great idea!
Anyway, I love Crash Holly so much. They could have kept the 24/7 rule going forever and I wouldn’t get sick of it; it was always a welcome interlude, and in this era of three hour Raws and guys like Miz and Curtis Axel showing up FAR too often, we need all the interludes we can get.