Wrestling companies make merchandise. It’s usually pretty bad, but sometimes, it’s terrible. Welcome to The Merch Table.
Every week, @TomBlargh will look at some of the awful merch that someone expects you to buy. Up this week: HIGHSPOTS ULTIMATE NOVELTY ITEM GRAB-BAG SPECIAL.
As mentioned in a previous Merch Table, we love Highspots. It’s really easy to lose half an hour just clicking through their site and looking at all the wacky merch from days gone by but there’s always been one thing on their site that stands out above all the others – their ‘ultimate novelty item grab-bag‘.
After the fun I had with the TNA brown bag special, I was ready for another challenge to test my abilities as the Internet’s foremost merchologist. However, I really wasn’t prepared for the sheer volume of stuff Highspots would send – seriously, check it out:
How am I even meant to tackle that? It took a lot of thought, but ultimately, it seemed like the best way to hold onto my sanity was to follow the example of Dante and descend into my own personal Inferno. With that in mind, join me now as I take a journey through The Nine Circles of Merch. LET’S GET STARTED.
First Circle of Merch: VHS tapes
Okay, we’re off to a shaky start, since I have literally no way of watching this. As a result, it’ll remain suspended in its plastic wrapping for eternity (or at least until I offload it on an unsuspecting Goodwill store).
If I was going to really go with the whole Dante’s Inferno metaphor, then this’d make for the perfect ‘limbo’… but look, that’s too much work, so forget it. Just forget it.
Second Circle of Merch: Back-to-School supplies
Everything you’d need to cement yourself as ‘that creepy wrestling kid’ in the new school year, including:
A Stone Cold Steve Austin notepad with a wacky lenticular thing on the front so you can see Steve Austin’s face turn into a SPOOOOOOOKY SKULL YA DUMB SUMBITCH.
A Triple H folder, perfect for holding your notes on which guys aren’t ready, as well as a fifty page dissertation on how that one match with Randy Orton was actually a really worthy Wrestlemania main event.
Two nWo Wolfpac pencils, which could double as chopsticks, should you need to show your allegiance to the red and black while eating sushi. Spicy tuna rolls f-f-f-f-f-for life.