• Sexy Wrestler of The Week

    Sexy Wrestler of The Week

    Are you hungry? I sure am. Let’s fill up on content. Here’s The Sexy Wrestler of The Week.

    It’s been a long week but here I am ready to give you what you have all been begging for. Oh yes, the votes have indeed been counted and I have The Sexy Wrestler of The Week ready to be announced to all of you lovely people. I think you all have kind of gone nuts with the voting though. I’m starting to think trolls are voting again so I will definitely be watching for that a little harder in the future.

    The winner this week is REALLY spooky! He’s not a goblin or a ghoul but he does have a lantern. It’s not Halloween and this guy is kind of evil so I’m not sure why this happened. Maybe this beard craze has finally hit maximum shark jump.

    The people have spoken, I guess. Bray Wyatt is The Sexy Wrestler of The Week. Here’s a picture of Bray Wyatt that I snapped when I spotted him eating in an abandoned house I was visiting a few weeks ago. That plate of food sure looks good. I haven’t eaten in three days because I can’t find my plates. I wonder what exactly it is that he is eating. It looks like a noodle meal of some sort. Let’s enhance that picture and zoom in on that pile of grub to find out.


    Ah, I should have known. He’s eating his favorite meal. Spaghetti and worlds with tomato sauce. They don’t call him The Eater of Worlds just to be wacky. The man does eat them and there is your proof. I wonder if those are good dipped in chocolate too. I wonder a lot but I think this could possibly lead to some major money. See you later.

    Sexy Wrestler of The Week

    Let’s score a touchdown by naming The Sexy Wrestler of The Week!

    Hello, everyone. I’m sure you’re sitting there after watching the big game thinking “I could really use some wrestling content that somehow infused football into it.” As I’m sure no one else is putting those two things together I decided now is the perfect time to announce The Sexy Wrestler of The Week.

    Okay… I’m sorry for GOING LONG. We won’t FUMBLE around any longer. I am really footballing this thing up. This is going to do wonders for the hits. Here’s who you voted for.


    Wow! You must have been in the football spirit to vote special guest wrestler Kevin Greene as The Sexy Wrestler of The Week. I was a fan of the Carolina Panthers when I was young because they used my favorite shade of blue. I think my love of the color blue says a lot about me. Maybe that I’m cool and a little laid back. I love blue drinks and blueberry flavors. I find The Blue Man Group off-putting though but that’s more about my fear of DUMB SHIT.

    Fuck The Blue Man Group. These dudes get together and just decide to cover songs using random objects while looking all mysterious. Yeah, buddy. I can take all of the pipes from Home Depot, pour water into them, and blow into them to make it sound like the theme song from Cheers too. Get a load of the absolute nerve these guys have. Call ’em The Boo Man Group because I ain’t having it!

    Damn it. Anyway… I hope you all enjoyed the Super Bowl. This is the 49th one, right? I remember when there was only 31 of those things! I don’t know about you, but I enjoy the commercials more than the actual game! Have you seen those things? They really go all out.


    Sexy Wrestler of The Week

    Cruise ships suck so let’s forget about them while naming The Sexy Wrestler of The Week.

    This was supposed to be week number of my cruise ship adventure but due to unfortunate circumstances I removed myself from the ship. Security did not have any part of this despite what you may read in local newspapers. Marty lost all of his money on the ship so when he removed himself from the ship he moved in with me and sleeps on my couch. He knows a lot about the 1980’s wrestling scene so I am letting him count the votes and he is also in charge of putting together the picture for the winner.

    According to Marty, the votes were pretty easy to count this week as he counted all of them within thirty minutes. He’s a real big help! Anyway, let’s get to it.


    That is right. Hulk Hogan is The Sexy Wrestler of The Week! You all really respect the past that made wrestling what it is today and for that I respect you! I’m not sure I’ll let Marty do the pictures anymore but he did great with the vote counting. As soon as he makes enough money to move out I’ll go back to handling all of this… plus, I’ll quit opening my cabinet to nothing but empty liquor bottles. Marty is starting to be a real burden.

    Sexy Wrestler of The Week

    Blue Skies. Blue Water. New Sexy Wrestler of The Week.

    Ah, yes. It’s that time of the week again and here I am lounging on the deck of the magnificent Mystic Breeze coasting along in the heart of the ocean. I’ve got a piña colada in my hand (it’s a local drink) and my new friend Marty sitting beside me.


    “Marty being boated back to Mystic Breeze after getting lost for a whole day in Isla Mujeres, Mexico and missing the ships departure.”

    Marty is a 56 year old retired golf pro and he is one of the funniest people I’ve ever met. He’s the life of the party when we go drink at the bar and is quite the competitive snooker player. He gave one of the Rogers brothers a huge wedgie after a heated match. Everyone loved it. Him calling the ship “Mystic Cheese” always gets our cruise buddies going.

    It’s been really nice out here and I have two more weeks of this! I am the luckiest person to have had the money to pull this off. I’m pretty rich now and it was NOT for advertising Mortdecai on this site. We do not do advertising deals and I would never put my journalistic integrity on the line for a quick buck. I was genuinely sharing my opinion of a movie that I believed everyone was excited about. The accusatory statements need to stop now. You can try to ruin my vacation but you WILL NOT. Me and Marty are too busy causing a ruckus down at the boat’s buffet to worry about your ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT. Capisce? Get in line because you are embarrassing yourselves.

    Me and The Mart sat down over a few scotched peps (scotch with jalepeños) and counted up the votes last night and I think this week’s winner is refreshing. I love some face paint (although Marty thinks painting your face is a sign of weakness) so this is pretty cool!


    That is right, buddies! Goldust is The Sexy Wrestler of The Week. Marty approves because he matches his necklace and watch. Marty makes the funniest noises when his necklace gets caught on his chest hair in the pool.

    The best part of this is that when Goldust is away from the squared circle he actually is the captain of his own ship! Maybe you’ve seen the SS Gold Boat floating by. Well, that is Goldust’s ship so yeah… that’s a thing.

    Anyway, Marty is getting escorted away by security so I’ve got to run and find out what is going on. Hope he didn’t get caught trying to throw one of the Rogers brothers off the ship again. He was just kidding. He was even laughing!

    Sexy Wrestler of The Week: Mortdecai Edition

    Pre-Order your tickets for Mortdecai while we name The Sexy Wrestler of The Week!

    “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn!”

    – Rhett Butler (Clark Gable) in Gone With The Wind (1939)

    “Nobody puts Baby in a corner.”

    – Johnny Castle (Patrick Swayze) in Dirty Dancing (1987)

    “What we’ve got here is a failure to communicate.”

    – Luke (Paul Newman) in Cool Hand Luke (1976)

    “I have nipples, Greg. Could you milk me?”

    – Jack Byrnes (Robert DeNiro) in Meet The Parents (2000)

    “Today, we celebrate our Independence Day.”

    – President Thomas J. Whitmore (Bill Pullman) in Independence Day (1996)

    Those are the five greatest quotes ever spoken in cinematic HISTORY. We can all AGREE on this. Today, I want to bring up a future classic that we will all be quoting for decades to come and probably already say every week! This is a line from a movie that is on the tip of everyone’s tongue. You hear a buzz? It’s probably coming from this movie.


    “They’re naming The Sexy Wrestler of The Week today.”
    – Charles Mortdecai (Johnny Depp) in Mortdecai (2015)

    The Sexy Wrestler of the Week is such a prestigious award that now the Hollywood elite are talking about it in movies! But this one isn’t just any movie, it is without a doubt a contender for an instant classic! You want to know more about this upcoming hit movie? Well here is a quick synopsis:

    “Art dealer Charles Mortdecai searches for a stolen painting that’s reportedly linked to a lost bank account filled with Nazi gold. This is not anything like The Pink Panther so quit saying that.”

    Mortdecai will hit theaters on January 23, 2014 and features Johnny Depp, Ewan McGregor, and Olivia Munn. More Mortdecai please!

    With that out of the way (yet Mortdecai Fever is still going at full blast) we will now name this week’s winner!


    There you have it! AJ Lee is The Sexy Wrestler of The Week! In case you don’t know, all of the promotional posters for Mortdecai have various characters in the movie wearing Mortdecai’s precious mustache!

    I find it hilarious and get a genuine laugh every time I see one of these people with that damned zany mustache. That movie will for sure be a laugh-a-minute romp and you should all see it! I know I will be seeing it when I get back from my cruise.

    I have recently come into some extra cash and will be away for the next three weeks. Don’t worry though. That won’t stop me from naming The Sexy Wrestler of The Week! Be sure to vote and maybe even write in your personal review of Mortdecai when you do. I know you’ll love it.

    Sexy Wrestler of The Week

    It is a new year but what really matters is The Sexy Wrestler of The Week.

    If you’re anything like me you’re waking up from a nap because you had a long night. The difference between us is that you’re wondering who the first Sexy Wrestler of The Week of the year is and I already know because I am the vote counter. That is all I do. I have no life because I want to bring this amazing award to all of you every week. It’s not about me but I would like some respect or at least a “thank you.” 2015 is the year I get my much deserved respect for this important job.

    Maybe I’m just stressed. This is the first year we will not have a Sexy Wrestler of The Year but it just didn’t seem right after finding out the votes were being tampered with by my former intern that I had hired from Reddit. This has been a truly disgusting year and I will work relentlessly to remove the ugly blemish from this once prestigious award.

    Now that I’ve released that from atop my chest let us get into it. Let’s get to the business. Let us talk of the deal. The very first Sexy Wrestler of The Week of 2015 is a newcomer to the award and it couldn’t have happened at a better time as this wrestler is known to love New Years. I’m just glad I get to point this fun fact out before anyone else on the internet does. You have NO clue who it is.


    Now you know who it is. The Big Show cements himself as one of the elite as he is The Sexy Wrestler of The Week. You voted and I counted. This is a thing you did so you should be happy. Democracy and all of that. I found this picture of The Big Show that you have never seen. Ever. Yeah, YOU’RE WELCOME.

    Sexy Wrestler of The Week

    It’s a special night because it’s Sexy Wrestler of The Week night. Get with it.

    Welcome to a very special edition of Sexy Wrestler of The Week. Then again, isn’t that every edition? This is a very holiday themed version so I hope you enjoy. I filled it with love and cheer. So much cheer.

    Let me paint you a picture. You wake up at 5:00 AM. It smells of yule or what the hell ever that is. That can only mean one thing. It’s Christmas and you have presents waiting under the big green.

    You run down the stairs in glee but around the second step you fall and roll all of the way down, across the floor, and then straight through your glass door. You’re outside, cold, and bloody now but that doesn’t deter you.

    You reach your Christmas tree and there it sits. A present the size of a human. What could it be?! Probably a human. Why? You don’t know. You grab the card attached to it.

    “From: Wrestling On Earth”

    “Oh, wow.”

    “To: You Beautiful Being”

    You blush and continue reading.

    “The votes have been cou-”

    You throw the note into the fire. You know how that goes and you do not want to read it again, quite frankly. Then, with a loud crunch, the box explodes open. You faint.


    Dean Ambrose is The Sexy Wrestler of The Week. You have a merry Christmas and never forget this incredible present bestowed upon you during this happy holiday of 2014. Wow.

    Sexy Wrestler of The Week

    The Sexy Wrestler of The Week is ready to be named. Can you handle it?

    Welcome to another extravagant edition of this incredible weekly content. You would not believe the amount of hits this award brings us every week. People are frothing at the mouth to find out who The Sexy Wrestler of The Week is. I think the secret to the sauce here is that your vote matters. Your voice is always heard and I find that awesome. Let’s do this.

    The votes have indeed been counted and The Sexy Wrestler of The Week is TJ Perk… wait a second.


    Wow. It was brought to my attention by myself through an e-mail to myself that he is not eligible because this week I’m only taking votes for female wrestlers. It’s only fair. More on why later.


    AJ Lee is The Sexy Wrestler of The Week. She’s our first ever female winner and will not be the last. Congratulations to possibly the best Diva in WWE on winning wrestling’s most sought-after award.

    Why were only female wrestlers allowed to win this week? An intern I hired from Reddit was fired this morning after I found a huge stash of votes for female wrestlers in the trunk of his car along with a vacuum he stole from the Wrestling On Earth offices. Just by scanning these votes I could make the argument that AJ Lee would have been the winner every week since the beginning of this prestigious award’s life. We will not have anyone stand in the way of democracy and the pure importance of The Sexy Wrestler of The Week. 

    Sexy Wrestler of The Week

    It’s time to name The Sexy Wrestler of The Week. You know this!

    The counts have been voted and the name has been winnered! Well, I think I should cut to the chase. This is a huge night for our winner and this will only help. You all voted on someone who definitely deserves it.


    Sami Zayn is your new NXT Champion but more importantly, he is your new Sexy Wrestler of The Week! It’s like you all could see into the future and decided this week should be all-in for this man. Coincidentally, I have proof that he is a time traveler. Here he is about to buy an old-timey newspaper. Not a huge deal because I’ve time traveled and let me tell you, it’s not too bad except for the Time Police.

    Sexy Wrestler of The Week

    Get ready. Get set. Get to reading about The Sexy Wrestler of The Week.

    Ah, another week. Can I just say that I love counting all of your votes? Because I really do. Sometimes I get sent funny gifts like a giant rabbit doll that says “carrots are my favorite” and sometimes I get meaningful notes or poems expressing gratitude for my efforts. That’s truly special. It warms my heart and I think about it a lot.

    Enough about me though. You’re ready to find out if the person you voted for became The Sexy Wrestler of The Week. Let me tell you right now that it is definitely the person you voted for! Wowzers!


    “Sunday, Monday, Dean Ambrose! Tuesday, Wednesday, Dean Ambrose!” is probably the song you would sing if you saw The Sexy Wrestler of The Week, Dean Ambrose, in a reboot of Happy Days as The Fonz. The two have some things in common. They’re both bad boys and they both wear jeans that seem a little more tight and tidy than you’d expect from their characters. I will say, being dressed as The Fonz really brings out how fucking huge Ambrose’s damn head is. Good grief!