• Sexy Wrestler of The Week

    Sexy Wrestler of The Week

    Let’s do hella flips and get some big air while we name The Sexy Wrestler of The Week.

    I have spent another week counting your votes and these results did not disappoint! I was worried you all were going to be goofing around and throwing in joke names like you tend to do sometimes but that was not the case. It was a very good week of vote counting for me. I just love to spend all of my time doing it! I also made amends with past foes and even secured some extra money for my pockets in the process. Luckily it won’t get in the way of my work here.

    SWOTWNeville

    The Sexy Wrestler of The Week is Neville! GRAVITY MAY HAVE FORGOTTEN THIS SENSATIONAL HUNK BUT WE SURE WON’T. We just so happened to catch up with Neville as he was grabbing lunch at McDonald’s today. He doesn’t need a car as he can just fly around everywhere. I bet he grabbed a Big Mac!

    McBig

    What do you think Neville bought at McDonald’s? What would you get from McDonald’s if you were there right now? Not sure? Check out their menu online here! Leave your thoughts in the comments below and be sure to share this with your friends. Thanks!

    Sexy Wrestler of The Week

    Let’s jump to lightspeed and name The Sexy Wrestler of The Week.

    I’ve been hard at work trying to dig up something newsworthy for the unveiling of the winner this week. It was a long road but thanks to “leaked” e-mails from WWE Studios, I have found something involving the person with the most votes this week.

    WWE Studios actually tried buying the Star Wars franchise before Disney but could not get it done. During the pitch they unveiled a few mock-ups of which WWE superstars would be playing certain Star Wars characters. I have a few here but will only show one this week. I may show more in the future!

    Rybacca

    That’s right. The Sexy Wrestler of The Week is Ryback. That was your call… not mine so deal with it. As you can see WWE had mocked up pictures of him as a Wookie in their pitch to grab the Star Wars license. It doesn’t look very good and I hope he wasn’t going to be the new Chewbacca. Rybacca? Not as lovable.

    Sexy Wrestler of The Week

    It is time to name The Sexy Wrestler of The Week!

    A week ago I noticed a suspicious folder that was put on my desk at Wrestling On Earth HQ. I’ve been locked out of there for about six months now and only got back in last week when I found my key in an empty bag of Funyuns by my inflatable pool, so no telling how long it has been sitting there.

    I opened up the folder to find a picture. It was a very peculiar photograph to be exact. My first thought was that my ex-roommate was trying to play a prank on me. He is still very angry at me for kicking him out of the house. As I thought about it a while longer I came to the realization that he could not have possibly done this as his Photoshop skills are that of a seal covered in baby oil. Slippery, comical, and nonexistent.

    I realized I needed some fresh air so I grabbed all of the Sexy Wrestler of The Week votes that were left to count and hopped on a plane to my home away from home, Mount Rushmore. I did what I always do when I need some time to clear my head. I set up a tent, tallied some of your votes, and let the stone-faced spirits of the United States flow upon me.

    The iconic Mount Rushmore featuring George Bush, Robert Plant, Sam Elliot, and Abraham Lincoln

    The iconic Mount Rushmore featuring George Bush, Robert Plant, Sam Elliot, and Abe Lincoln

    My third eye was awoken with a sharp blast of red, white, and blue. My chakras were connected by the very fabric that Betsy Ross and her powerful hands forged together in a woven fervor to create the national flag. I was The Eagle. I was Plymouth Rock. I was not taxating without representating (yeah, that’s right) and at this moment I knew who I was and what I should do. I needed to go home and party with my friends and loved ones.

    Betsy Ross and her two clones creating "Old Glory"

    Ross and her two clones creating “Old Glory”

    On the plane ride back I finished tallying your votes and when I saw who the winner was this week my mind was blown. It was the wrestler who was in the photo on my desk. Was this a sign? It is Spring so I’m always a little bit too connected with nature for my own good around this time of year. I decided I wouldn’t over-think it. I finally arrived at my house. I then hooked up all of my black lights and started burning my favorite dance playlist “Moby I Did, Moby I Didn’t” on to discs. This was going to be quite the party. No one showed up. A lot of my friends had hair appointments and my sister said some family was in town that she had to visit with so I understood. They would’ve all been there if they could.

    Thi is Moby

    Moby

    I was a little let down until I decided to look at that picture again. Then it happened. The black lights brought something significant to the surface. A phone number had appeared on the picture. This really was fate. I never should have doubted myself in the oneness of Spring. I called the number and it was answered by popular stump photographer, Leo Mimps. He said he would do an interview with me for a price. Needless to say, here we are. Before I reveal the interview I will reveal that The Sexy Wrestler of The Week is none other than Bray Wyatt. Here is THE photograph.

    SWOTWWyattMcMuffin

    Me: What do we have here?

    Mimps: Some glorious stumps, my friend. Exquisitely crafted by years of the harsh environment.

    Me: Ah, yes. But why did you think the tremendous readers of Wrestling On Earth would find this particular photo intriguing?

    Mimps: Harumph, well… if you look closely behind the two magnificent stumps and the dominating alpha tree you will see something peculiar, my dear boy. It may be a bit blurry as it wasn’t the focal point for this work of art but I strongly believe that is none other than Bray Wyatt sleeping in a giant sausage, egg, and cheese McMuffi-

    Me: Be more generic. Our marketing deal went awry awhile back.

    Mimps: Oh, right. Well, it’s Bray Wyatt sleeping in a giant breakfast sandwich from a popular fast food chain.

    Me: It seems to be rotted. I question this as it is known he eats worlds. If he eats worlds and sleeps on food, do you think he may be very confused about how things work?

    Mimps: Look, I don’t know.

    Me: Well, thanks for joining us.

    Mimps: Stay stumping, my good man. I’d also like to take this time to tell your readers about the dangers of dealing with doctors.

    Me: I’m sorry. We are out of time.

    Mimps: I say, boy. Fuck this nonsense.

    So there you have it. He may be an interesting character in the ring but Bray Wyatt is just as wild outside and I bet he smells! That is super sexy in the world of wrestling. I would like to thank Leo Mimps for his contribution although I feel like, for the sake of transparency, I should tell you he seemed like a really bad person and even threw a lit cigarette into the office trash can, causing a lot of damage. He also sucks at photography. Who only photographs stumps? Don’t forget to cast your votes for next week! Bye!

    Sexy Wrestler of The Week

    So, yeah. We are going to name The Sexy Wrestler of The Week again. You’re welcome.

    It’s been a busy few days. Wrestlemania and counting votes can take a lot out of a person but here we are. The votes have been counted and Wrestlemania 31 has been watched. The winner this week is quite the wrestler and can ride in a tank like no one else. He doesn’t take any crap!

    SWOTWRusev

    That’s right. Rusev is The Sexy Wrestler of The Week. You must have been really down when he lost his match over the weekend but to me this makes up for it. This award is way more prestigious and actually means something. Cena can not take this away from him in the name of America and I’m proud of that. Yeah, Rusev is always serious and angry in the ring but I can tell you he is a real fun-loving human outside of the ring. Take a look!

    RusevHappy

    He’s just a guy who likes to smile and enjoy life. He’s Rusev and he just wants to have a chill time. He seems way less lame than this guy, at least.

    cenafinger

    Sexy Wrestler of The Week

    Let’s make a splash and name The Sexy Wrestler of The Week.

    It’s that time again. The votes have been counted and all of that. It’s been quite the week but I believe the voters nailed it with who they voted as the winner this week… AS THEY DO EVERY WEEK. Face paint is really cool, after all.

    SWOTWSting1

    Steve “Sting” Borden is The Sexy Wrestler of The Week. He is finally getting his Wrestlemania moment this year so you all felt he should get his Sexy Wrestler of The Week moment this year as well. This may be a bigger deal than the Wrestlemania moment. Hell, we know it is.

    Not many people know that Sting was leading a double life as real estate agent for most of his career. He kept it under wraps really well. Frank Trigg didn’t even know that “Real Estate Steve” and the Stinger were the same person. You can read that story in the latest Dirt Sheet History. Since we are the site known for having the most accurate and shocking scoops on the net, I am about to reveal something never seen before. I worked really hard and even paid a pretty penny to get my hands on this. I mean, that penny was beautiful. Here is the only known photo of The man called “Real Estate” Steve.

    Warning: This is SHOCKING.

    RealEstateSteve

    Look at that man. How much did that suit cost him? Those sleek glasses that say “I’m a 90’s badass but also a classic. Please, buy this house.” I’m proud to say Sting is The Sexy Wrestler of The Week and a sharp real estate pro.

    Sexy Wrestler of The Week

    A new Sexy Wrestler of The Week is ready to be named.

    Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I’m here again to reveal The Sexy Wrestler of The Week as usual. I started a new, better paying job this week since I had to kick my roommate out a few weeks ago and it made it hard to count all of the votes by myself. However, I did it for you. This is the single most important award in the business and probably will be for years to come. I can’t just half-ass this or the wrestling world would lose something extremely special. I make this possible. I’m Willy Wonker and this is my cupcake factory. All of my fellow literature-maniacs will get that one. 😉

    I started working at a paper bag manufacturer. Yeah, paper may be a dying cause but your fancy digital world can’t quite contain physical products yet so… looks like the joke is on you. Good luck carrying your flour using nothing but your Facebook or your Photoshop. Anyway, let me tell you more about me and my new job since you read this every week and care so much about me as a person. As a beginner I am in charge of cutting up huge rolls of faulty or misprinted paper. If the big boys in the production line mess up their ink mix for Big Granny’s Wheat Crumbs, your boy here makes sure that embarrassing roll of paper is destroyed. I then must clean out the ink buckets.

    I can’t wear nice clothes to this job! By the end of the night I am covered in a plethora of colors and let me tell you right now, it is a real treat. I feel like a hard-working rainbow. Sometimes I get to have a ten minute bathroom break but it always smells like an ashtray in there for some reason. When the boss isn’t roaming the floor in his suit, tie, and hair net I get to sneak over to my friend that works with the binding machine. If you’re lucky you can stick your finger in there without it getting cut off but it’s very rare. I then come home to count votes for you lovely people.

    SWOTWBrock

    The Sexy Wrestler of The Week is the WWE World Heavyweight Champion, Brock Lesnar. He may not be around much but you all seem to love him. Maybe it is the sword tat. Maybe it is his business savvy nature. Maybe this is a way to state that you want him to stick around and not head off to fight with the modern-day gladiators of MMA. Either way, he won and that’s just how it was supposed to be.

     

    Speaking of Brock Lesnar, I will now share with you a cute little story from when I was a young boy.

    PokeLesnar

    I was a big fan of collecting Pokemon cards in late ’98 and ’99. I was ten years old when I got my first pack. I remember coming out of Wal-Mart with the shiny gold pack in my bag. I get into my family’s burning hot Jeep Cherokee. I couldn’t even touch my seatbelt without whimpering in pain at it burning my skin but I knew I had to. I had to get it done because I was taught that safety was the only way to keep me from dying. The faster I got it buckled, the faster I could rip into this pack of Pokemon cards. As I did, my eyes intently glimmering with love at every single one, even the commons with the mediocre artwork but the last card was truly something special. A holographic Machamp card shimmering.

    I remember my mom having to pull over from it blinding her. When she realized what it was she began weeping proudly. My dad reached up from the backseat and our family embraced in the most emotional group hug you could ever imagine. It was a place where tears flowed freely. Free of judgement and ridicule. Just a family showing their appreciation for the little things in life and their truly blessed son inside a hot Jeep Cherokee amongst the fumes of warm leather and plastic. Yeah, I eventually got a holographic Charizard card as well but it meant nothing to me emotionally when compared to this Machamp card. It changed my world.

    I took it to school to show all of my pals. Their was some intense jealousy. I could see that immediately but that wasn’t going to stop me from showing everyone I knew a few times. I was invincible, after all. By the end of the day I had a black eye and my card was ripped in to pieces by my so-called best friend, Burt Hamm. I would then return home where one of the most tragic moments in my life would occur. With the loss of this card I had greatly shamed my family. My sisters threw packs of pudding at me. My mom cursed at me for a full 24 hours. My dad wouldn’t roll down the back window of the Jeep to even talk to me.

    I finally got some sleep but awoke to my bags being packed. My mom was sending me to live in a cabin atop a mountain in Nebraska. She claimed I would learn to fend for myself, thus gaining honor and a sense of self-worth. She handed me my grandpa’s legendary Lantern of The Fates that he found while fighting in The Great War. It was made out of limestone and glowed with a greenish hue. I took it and was set on my way. I loved in this cabin for years with nothing but a sack of jerky and a TV. This is where I met the man who would give me the strength to move on. I was watching Raw in 2002 when Brock Lesnar debuted. His strength, courage, and primal instincts propelled me to make a huge garden. I made so many eggplants that I eventually received a letter from my mom. “It’s time to come home.”

    The next day a helicopter landed and would take me home. It was 2003 by then and I was older than I was in ’99. We landed on the roof of my house. When they dropped the ladder to climb down I said “no, thanks” and performed the greatest somersault in the history of the world. When I landed on my feet my milk and sisters were there to welcome me home and then something amazing happened.

    For the first time, my father opened up the backdoor of the Jeep and got out. He then walked over and hugged me. It was a sunny day in real life and in our hearts. I then looked over and saw him. Brock Lesnar was there staring out from the woods behind our house. I blinked and then he was in front of me. He handed me the card you see above. He winked, smirked, and in another blink of the eye he was gone. I’m truly proud to say that he is The Sexy Wrestler of The Week. Thank you, Brock Lesnar. Thank you.

    Sexy Wrestler of The Week

    We are here to show the world how to name The Sexy Wrestler of The Week!

    The votes have been counted so hard. I counted the votes like I have never counted before. I kicked out my roommate and decided it was time I got serious about this. I counted every vote four times to make sure this was all done right so here we are. LET’S DO THIS.

    SWOTWDolph

    Dolph Ziggler is The Sexy Wrestler of The Week. He is no stranger to this prize. He has climbed the ladder to your hearts before and this proves he is still within us all. Speaking of ladders, Dolph Ziggler will be in a ladder match for the Intercontinental Championship at Wrestlemania. He has had quite the history with ladders. We should take a quick look.

    DolphOnLadder2
    Dolph Ziggler has cut promos atop ladders. Bravery.

    DolphOnLadder
    Dolph Ziggler has won Money In The Bank by climbing a ladder. Power.

    DolphOnLadder3
    Dolph Ziggler has won the Intercontinental Championship in a ladder match. Persistence.

    DolphOnLadder4
    Dolph Ziggler has carried an open ladder on his head during his entrance. Balance.

    DolphFrenchBraid
    Plus, he has a pretty sweet French braid. That is a French braid, right? I’m pretty sure it is. He may be awful at Twitter but he sure is a great pick for this week. Good job to all of you. I’m proud to be apart of this momentous occasion.

    Sexy Wrestler of The Week

    Let’s knock this out and name The Sexy Wrestler of The Week!

    Ah, here we are again. What a wonderful time to exist! I’ve been hard at work counting the votes and this week we have a real BIG winner.

    I spent this week recapping past winners and I’ve noticed that lately you all are showing your wide range of love. We’ve had all sorts of winners and this week you continue to show tall people the love.

    BigShowSWOTW

    The Big Show is The Sexy Wrestler of The Week! He may be nothing but an annoyance but we sure do love to look at him. Those big hands and great taste in wrestling attire. Camo is timeless! Wars are happening all of the time. People are always needing to hide. It’s just life and The Big Show gets that. He’s a real strong man with a precious face. He’s also very multidimensional.

    big-show_sexy

    He’s been very sensual since an early age. Look at that jacket! Look at that stance! He probably received a plethora of eyes looking at him this night but with style like that he’s probably really used to it.

    big_show_fired

    He wears his emotions on his sleeves and that’s endearing. This man isn’t afraid to shed his tears at the drop of a hat. He has strong feelings about everything and will show you exactly how much things mean to him. Admirable.

    big_show_suck_it

     

    He’s a real jokester. Look at him going out and being the life of the party and even a little, dare I say, dirty. Everyone loves a goofball and Big Show will bring that trait with him every where.

    That’s it for this week but please dwell on how much The Big Show means to you for the rest of the week. He deserves it. He really does.

     

    Sexy Wrestler of The Week

    Life is Hell. Let’s name The Sexy Wrestler of The Week and make it a little better.

    Another week of me wondering why you all vote for the people you do. Another week of me realizing there are a whole lot of people who find a certain wrestler sexy and that maybe I am the odd one.

    Going to go ahead and lay this out here. These are your votes added up. This is on you.

    SWOTWKane

    The Sexy Wrestler of The Week is The Corporate Demon Kane. As I thought this was strange I decided to search the internet to see if this was a thing people really feel about this man. I had a feeling I was being trolled again but I WAS WRONG. Kane being sexy to many people is very much a thing. The first thing I found was this magnificent Youtube video. From the content to the description to the comments we now all know that people very much think Kane is sexy.

    Let me be clear. It’s not just a Youtube video that helps prove this point. People make sensual Kane backgrounds for your computer screens if that is what you need. People love Kane and his looks. That is actually pretty cool. Everyone deserves to be sexy. I will go as far as to say everyone IS sexy. Yes, even you… but mostly me.

    Sexy Wrestler of The Week

    Oh, come in. I was just finishing this painting. And drinking a wine. Please sit down. Let’s name The Sexy Wrestler of The Week while you’re here.

    It has been a pretty big week for me as I reimagined a famous piece of art to include the winner of this weekly award. I couldn’t spend 18 years working on something so I just decided to use a small area of a famous painting. What piece better to take from than iconic artist Raphael’s “La Madonna di San Sisto.”

    Famous artist, Raphael

    Famous artist, Raphael

    I know what you’ll be thinking when you see it. “That’s not the Madonna I know!” Well, you’re right. Firstly, because I am just using the left cherub from the bottom of the picture. You may know cherubs as “cupids” and that’s fine. Just ignore me rolling my eyes at you. Secondly, if you were educated in the fine arts like me, an intellectual master of all things Earth, you’d know that the focal point is not pop singer Madonna but instead the biblical Virgin Mary holding a baby. Oh, that baby? Yeah, his name is Jesus. Maybe you’ve heard of him. If not you need to find him.

    SWOTWCorbin

    Ah, can’t you feel the Valentine’s Day aura glowing off of this masterpiece? Your eyes aren’t fooling you. The Sexy Wrestler of The Week is indeed Baron Corbin. Rejoice! For your votes matter.

    …So, I didn’t have any paint or paintbrushes and my room mate Marty is becoming more of a burden on my income so I couldn’t buy any so I just printed out a picture of The Lone Wolf’s head and stuck it on there. I hope you don’t mind.

    x