At Wrestling On Earth, we love pro wrestling superfan, Brad Ward. However, no-one loves Brad more than our controversial correspondent, Nightlife. Nightlife loves Brad so much that he’s written Brad Ward fantasy adventure fanfiction, and now we’re featuring it here because we love you.
You can follow Brad Ward @BradWardFGN and Nightlife @AnimeKing420, but it’s impossible to write an introduction that properly explains Brad Quest unless you’re already familiar with their long and storied history so… look, just read it and have fun, okay? And if you want to submit your own tales or any other content ideas for Wrestling On Earth, just email us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Chapter 1: The Adventure Begins
The morning sun had ascended, bathing the frosty steppe in warm light. A man strode with purpose through the barren permafrost, his thick boots crushing ice underfoot. A hefty battleaxe hung at his side, animal furs adorning his muscled physique, his long hair flowing in the wind. Truly, he was an incredible physical specimen. Truly, he-
“Braaaaaaaaaad, how much longer until the next town? My feet hurt.”
Brad Ward, barbarian warrior from the frozen north, stopped and turned to his scrawny traveling partner, Nightlife. “God, shut UP,” Brad moaned. “We are still many miles from the next town. Do you not see this is a barren steppe?”
“I’m from the south, Brad,” Nightlife replied, standing aside the chiseled warrior. Nightlife was a thief by trade, darting in and out of the shadows and people’s pockets, he and Brad brought together by a shared love for foreign drawings. Nightlife wore a cloak woven of the finest Eastern fibers, as black as night, and carried two daggers by his side. Tricky, sneaky, and ever crafty, Nightlife was the finesse that accented Brad’s raw power. Even so, this little southerner was getting on Brad’s nerves.
“Relax, little one,” Brad said.
“LITTLE ONE?!?!?” Nightlife screamed.
“Calm the fuck down,” Brad said, flexing his huge biceps. Nightlife responded to this show of force by wisely backing off. “Our destination will be reached before you know it.”
Chapter 2: Arrival at the Tavern
The pair of travelers reached the next town just before nightfall. As the two entered the small fishing village on the coast of this frozen wasteland, they saw a small, tan-skinned man with weirdly-spaced eyes, a leper perhaps, begging for alms. “Follow me,” he said. “Follow me.”
“Follow THIS!” Nightlife said, grabbing his crotch. It was a lewd, juvenile gesture, but that was just part of Nightlife’s charm. Brad shook his head and dragged Nightlife away from the poor wretch. “I will not forget this,” the man, a pariah named Wasim, said under his breath.
Brad Ward swung open the doors to a tavern where he was greeted by the busty barmaid, a wench Brad knew all too well, a salty broad to be sure, full of fire, and fiesty to boot, named Tasha.
“Why, hello there Bradley,” Tasha said, shoving her ample bosom into Brad’s face. “It’s been so long. You never wrote!”
“Alas, dear Tasha, I have been busy,” Brad replied, his eyes locking with Tasha’s, making the barmaid swoon. “I have slain many snark marks, but I fear my quest has only begun. I-”
“Hey baby, how you doin’???” Nightlife popped in, greatly annoying Tasha. “I’ve thought of you night and day, my dear. Unfortunately, my honorable profession has kept us apart, but here I am, baby! If I could but taste your lips…”
“Taste this!” Tasha shouted, clocking the fuck out of Nightlife, knocking him into a table, beer spilling everywhere.
“SPICY!!!” Nightlife exclaimed, nursing his hurt jaw. “I LIKE it!!!”
“That Nightlife sure is wacky,” Brad chuckled.
“He’s a fucking pervert,” Tasha complained. “He keeps writing me letters asking for hairs from my…you know…DOWN THERE!”
Yes, Nightlife was pretty twisted, but Brad liked him all the same. “That’s just Nightlife being Nightlife, dear,” Brad said, stroking Tasha’s raven locks. Tasha melted at Brad calling her “dear.”
“I…I really must get back to waiting tables,” Tasha stammered, her eyes fluttering as her cheeks flushed, barely able to resist Brad’s raw animal magnetism.
“Before you go,” Brad said, “Might I ask if this tavern has a room to stay for the night? Or, perhaps, two? One for my companion, and one for me? He can be very irritating when one is trying to sleep, or do…other things.”
Tasha fainted for a split second at those last words and wordlessly gave Brad two room keys. “My shift ends in an hour,” she said.
“I’ll be waiting, with white roses and lilac-scented candles,” Brad said with a wink.
“Y-you still remember, after all these months…” Tasha breathed, reluctantly returning to her job.
“Man, these bitches be cold,” Nightlife said, finally getting up. “Did you get us a room?”
“I got you a room, and I got me a room,” Brad replied. “Here’s your key.”
“Thanks,” Nightlife said, accepting the key. “It’s good that we got seperate rooms, because I’ve already met like 2 or 5 hot wenches that will definitely get the D from me tonight, and I wouldn’t want to keep you up with my racuous lovemaking.”
Brad simply rolled his eyes at this funny-talking hooligan.
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some, ah, business to attend to,” Nightlife said, greedily eyeing a number of coinbags.
Brad Ward wasn’t one to condone lawbreaking, but he was willing to look the other way on his friend’s petty thievery. Ordering a tall pitcher of ale, Brad sat down at the bar.
Chapter 3: Back the Fuck Off
“Hey, you, motherrrrrrrrrrrfuckerrrrrr,” a man drunkenly said, slapping Brad on the back. Brad was pretty annoyed, but didn’t respond. He knew better than to engage in salty discussion with drunks.
“Look at me when I’m…when I’m talking to youuuu,” the man slurred, punching Brad in the back of the head.
“Back the fuck off,” Brad coolly responded.
“You wanna fucking go, bitch?” the drunk goaded, slapping Brad multiple times in the back of the head. Brad is normally a nice guy, but this was crossing the line.
Standing up, Brad first chugged his pitcher of beer in two seconds flat, then broke the glass over the drunk’s head, glass flying everywhere.
“EXCUSE ME!!!” Nightlife shouted, unable to control himself when viewing scenes of ultraviolence. Unfortunately for this thief, said phrase was shouted while his hand was deep inside a coinpurse, the owner of which wasn’t too happy to see this southerner pilfering his hard-earned coppers.
“That big muscle guy and the short idiot came in together! Get them!” like 5 dudes shouted in unison. Everybody paused because that was a pretty weird occurence, but then they remembered what they were supposed to be doing and attacked Brad and Nightlife. Nightlife executed a flawless forward roll through the mob, standing up at Brad’s side.
“What are the odds this time?” Nightlife asked.
“Looks fifty to two to me,” Brad replied.
“Reminds me of that goblin’s nest.”
“Heh, yeah. Except the goblins weren’t as drunk.”
“GET ‘EM!!!” the drunk man shouted, his head bleeding profusely from the glass. Everybody rushed Brad and Nightlife.
Brad went high, swinging his battleaxe with reckless abandon, severing heads left and right, some of the heads bumping into each other midair, blood gushing out of neckstumps like fountains.
Nightlife went low, swinging his daggers with brutal precision, severing Achilles tendons left and right, causing many men to drop to the ground, unable to stand up, which coincidentally saved most of them from the fury of Brad’s axe. Some of the guys Nightlife attacked had already been beheaded, so it was really just superfluous wounding at that point.
After a minute or two of intense battling, everybody in the tavern lay slaughtered, except of course the barmaid, Tasha.
Chapter 4: The Menace of Ultimarkus
“Why did they all attack us like that?” Brad asked.
“Here’s why,” Nightlife said, pulling something out of a neckstump. It was a shiny black gem, no bigger than an eyeball. “Looks like virtually everybody here was implanted with a Controlling Stone. And we both know who uses those…”
“Ultimarkus!” Brad whispered. Just saying the name of that foul wizard sent shivers through Brad’s spine. Wizards were bad enough, but Ultimarkus was the most insidious wizard of them all, and the bane of Brad’s existence.
“He probably anticipated our arrival in this town and prepared to have us killed,” Nightlife surmised. “Too bad we’re so fuckin’ good, right Brad?”
Brad didn’t hear his friend, as he was busy fending off the advances of Tasha.
“Oh, Brad, you were so brave, the way you brutally beheaded all those unarmed men,” Tasha said. “Make love to me, right here, right now!”
“If you say so, babe,” Brad said, preparing to ravish this beauty amidst the blood and destruction.
“Brad, NO!!!” Nightlife screamed, flinging a dagger with a sharp snap of his wrist, the point landing right between Tasha’s eyes.
“Nightlife, what have you done???” Brad screamed in horror. “You’ve killed one of the many women who love me!”
“That’s not Tasha,” Nightlife said. “Watch.”
Brad turned back to look at the dead barmaid, and to his surprise, her body simply crumbled to dust.
“A simulacrum,” Nightlife said. “I knew there was something off about her when she punched me. Tasha is way stronger than that. This ‘Tasha’ was just another of Ultimarkus’ insidious traps. He no doubt intended to poison you, or give you some weird magical STD, or something.”
“Thank you, friend,” Brad ward said, embracing Nightlife, who squirmed a bit because Brad was totally covered in blood. It was gross.
“Come,” Brad said. “Let’s go to our rooms and sleep off this intense battle, so that we may charter a boat in the morning, and head for the main continent, where Ultimarkus lives, so that we may destroy him once and for all.”
Meanwhile, in an evil castle atop an evil mountain, surrounded by lightning dragons, shrouded in a permanent, insidious fog, a dark wizard sat atop a throne of human skulls, staring into a crystal ball.
“So,” the wizard muttered, “it seems Brad and Nightlife have defeated this trap. But, it is one among many. Those two have no clue what is in store for them…chartering a boat, eh? Be careful, Brad, I hear the oceans are particularly dangerous this time of year! Mwahahahahahahahah!!!”
Lightning pierced the sky as the evil wizard laughed a heinous laugh, cackling as lightning crackled overhead.
Chapter 5: A New Voyage
Rays of light peeked through the curtains, waking Brad Ward. Roused from his restful slumber, the barbarian warrior got dressed, punching his way through the wall to the other room to wake his friend and traveling companion, the diminutive thief, Nightlife. The two ate a quick breakfast, heading out of the tavern, still decimated from the previous night’s intenes battle, to the docks of this small seaside town, to charter a boat.
“I hope we get something good,” Nightlife said. “I don’t want to ride in a junky piece of shit like last time.”
“That ‘junky piece of shit’ was my grandfather’s boat!” Brad exclaimed.
“Your grandfather didn’t know shit about building boats,” Nightlife retorted. “Remember how one of us always had to be awake to bail out water? That was the worst three weeks of my life.”
Rolling his eyes, Brad continued to the docks, Nightlife walking by his side. Soon enough, the two came across a man working on his boat. It was modest, but not too shabby. Quickly, Nightlife haggled for passage to the continent. Brad was always amazed by Nightlife’s skills in the art of commerce.
“Heh, I got us passage for a song,” Nightlife grinned. “Well, a song and fifteen coppers. We have to chop onions for the whole voyage too. And scrub the deck every other day. And we have to promise not to make love to the captain’s naive, virginal daughter, who is experiencing the sea and being around other men for the first time.”
Brad groaned at that last condition. This was going to be a long journey…
– “Nightlife” aka King of Anime is an un-fan of Friday Night Smackdown. Chat with Nightlife on Twitter.
(You can submit your own tales or any content ideas for Wrestling On Earth to email@example.com)