At Wrestling On Earth, we love pro wrestling superfan, Brad Ward. However, no-one loves Brad more than our controversial correspondent, Nightlife. Nightlife loves Brad so much that he’s written Brad Ward fantasy adventure fanfiction, and now we’re featuring it here because we love you.
You can read last week’s instalment of Brad Quest here, and you can also follow Brad Ward @BradWardFGN and Nightlife @AnimeKing420, but don’t expect that to explain things – it’s better to just let the adventure wash over you. And if you want to submit your own tales or any other content ideas for Wrestling On Earth, just email us at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Chapter 6: Perchance To Dream
As night descended on the open ocean, the gentle rocking of the boat sent Brad Ward to sleep.
Brad found himself like a shipwrecked mariner, adrift on an unknown sea, a world of red neon and ultramarine. Images flashed before him, the horizon a brilliant array of dazzling colors, too fast for Brad to make out. But one image stood out, an image of tragedy.
“Kristin…” Brad whispered as he gazed upon the ghostly visage of the only woman he ever really loved, long dead at the hands of Brad’s arch-enemy, the evil wizard Ultimarkus.
“Ultimarkus will pay…” Brad vowed, but this apparition was not the purpose of his dream. As suddenly as Kristin’s ghostly image had appeared, it faded into nothingness, as did the rest of the world. Brad found him floating in a dark space.
“Brad…” droned an unearthly voice.
“Who’s there? Show yourself!” Brad shouted, ready to fight whoever this was that was talking to him.
Brad jolted awake, his fist instinctively shooting forward, clocking his pal Nightlife, who was trying to wake him, right in the face.
“Yo!” Nightlife shouted, nursing his nose. “You almost broke my fucking nose!”
“My apologies,” Brad said. “I had the strangest dream…”
“Yeah, whatever, dreams are gay,” Nightlife replied. “One time I dreamt that I died a virgin. Dreams are fucking bullshit and aren’t real, so just ignore them.”
“I saw incredible colors,” Brad continued. “And… Kristin.”
“Seriously, Brad?” Nightlife asked. “You’re still broken up over her? She was just a girl.”
“JUST A GIRL?!?!?!?” Brad screamed, flying into a berzerker rage, swinging wildly at Nightlife, who deftly dodged Brad’s powerful fists.
“Chill out!” Nightlife yelped. “You know I’m just fucking around with you!”
“Don’t you EVER call Kristin ‘just a girl’ ever again,” Brad warned. “You know how much she meant to me. All these other fine ladies I just use for sex, but with Kristin, it was…so much more.”
Chapter 7: Release The Wr’est’l’sho’ot
Brad’s trip down memory lane was cut short however as the boat began rocking, and rocking HARD. Like, rocking harder than a skinny white dude with no shirt on at a Kreator concert.
“This boat is rocking pretty hard,” Nightlife noted.
“Yeah, a bit TOO hard…” Brad narrowed his eyes. “Something’s amiss,” he said, looking around.
“You mean, amiss like THAT?” Nightlife pointed behind Brad. Our intrepid hero turned around and found himself pretty close to a giant, hideous, tentacled beast rising from the sea.
“A kraken!” Brad exclaimed.
“Not just ANY kraken,” Nightlife gasped. “Look, at it’s face!”
The face of the kraken was truly wretched, almost making Brad puke but he’s got a tough gut so he endured it. Nightlife puked though.
“Augh, that was my lunch!” Nightlife exclaimed.
“I don’t believe it,” Brad breathed. “It’s the fabled kraken lord, Wr’est’l’sho’ot!”
“BRING BACK KK,” the kraken roared.
“What is it saying?” Nightlife asked.
“IN MY OPINION THE BRAY WYATT FAMILY IS GOING TO BOMB.”
“I have no idea,” Brad said. “It’s clearly deranged.”
“Look!” Nightlife shouted, pointing to a disgusting orifice that was most likely the kraken’s mouth. “It’s rabid!”
“STEPHANIE MCMAHON IS A SLUT.”
“I think we should put this miserable creature out of its misery,” Nightlife said.
“I agree,” Brad agreed.
Brad leapt up, pulling out his sick battleaxe, slicing the kraken’s gross head off in one swing, its body slowly sinking into the bubbling sea, the tortured life of Wr’est’l’sho’ot finally coming to a gross, bloody end.
“Luckily that kraken was a weakling,” Brad said. “No doubt an agent of evil sent by Ultimarkus to stop me from reaching him.”
A really hot girl came up to Brad. “You’re so brave,” she said, rubbing up against him. “What’s your name, good sir?”
“Brad Ward, and yours?”
“Spirit,” the hot girl replied, winking at Brad. It’s pretty obvious what happened next, but just in case you didn’t know, Brad got his freak on. It was graphic.
Chapter 8: The Dastardly Plots of Ultimarkus
BUT MEANWHILE, UNBEKNOWNST TO OUR VALIANT HEROES…
“So, Brad, you think you have bested me?” the foul wizard Ultimarkus spat. Clad in black and pink robes, he held a hideous, knurled staff, adorned with a dark jewel that emanated pure evil. Gazing into a crystal ball, the insidious warlock observed the boat Brad Ward was traveling on.
“My, such a clear day it is,” Ultimarkus mused. “It would be a shame if, say, the worst storm of all time blew in. Goodbye, Brad. Heh… heheh… HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!” Ultimarkus cackled maniacally, before conjuring up dark energies to cast an equally dark spell on our hero.
Back on the ship, Brad was restless. “Something’s amiss,” he said. “I can feel it.”
“Oh Brad, come back to bed, sweetie,” Spirit said sweetly, pulling back the covers. “I already miss you.”
“Sorry my lady, normally I would be down for another go, but I must go on deck. There’s just something in the air that doesn’t feel right…”
Leaving Spirit alone in bed, Brad ventured on deck, where he ran into Nightlife.
“You feel it too, huh?” Nightlife asked.
“Yes,” Brad replied.
“It’s feels… you know.”
“Look, over there.” Nightlife pointed to the horizon. “You see those clouds?”
“Yes,” Brad answered. “They look dark.”
“They weren’t there a second ago,” Nightlife noted. “They’re coming up fast. Something’s fucked. I really don’t like the looks of this.”
Brad and Nightlife grimly stared at the incoming clouds. “Fuck, they’re fast,” Nightlife said, a hint of worry in his voice.
“Big storm coming!” one of the sailors yelled. Brad could hear swearing. Brad looked up, and the dark clouds were nearly over them. The warrior felt a drop of rain, heavy and cold, on the top of head.
And then, the heavens broke loose.
Wind whipped the boat, heaving the vessel to and fro, thick, dense rain pounding the deck in sheets. Nightlife and Brad grabbed onto a length of rope tied to the mast to brace themselves. Nightlife shouted something, but Brad couldn’t hear it over the din of the storm.
Thunder crackled and boomed overhead. Lightning shot out of the sky like daggers piercing a tunic. Suddenly, a monster wave approached the side of the boat. The last thing Brad saw was a wall of water cascading towards him.
– “Nightlife” aka King of Anime is an un-fan of Friday Night Smackdown. Chat with Nightlife on Twitter.
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