• Author Archives: Tim B

    Tim’s Analysis: Money In The Bank 2017

    Welcome to Tim’s Analysis where The Last True Wrestling Critic will scientifically deconstruct the hottest wrestling events on the planet. Put your safety goggles on because we are going to bust this wide open.

    Money In The Bank 2017 was a show of lows and highs. It had some good moments but also there were moments that I felt were not that good.

    Rating using my patented Cheesecake Scaling System

    ScoopZone Elite: July 26, 2016

    We’ve consulted our inside sources to bring you the best and most EXCLUSIVE dirt on your favorite wrestling promotions from around the world. Unlike other sites, we’ll only bring you 100% accurate and truthful wrestling news every week. We’re still working on our paywall, so please only read these stories if you’re an elite member.

    [WELCOME ELITE MEMBERS. THANK YOU FOR THE SUBSCRIPTION!]

    News for The Week of July 26, 2016

    Raw

    • JBL is suspected of being a mole for Stephanie McMahon. Earlier today Mauro Ranallo followed cowboy boot prints to a trash can where he found his precious notebook full of pop culture references that had been missing all afternoon.

     

    • WWE is considering the first brand trade of Raw sending The Shining Stars and James Elsworth to Smackdown for John Cena, Daniel Bryan and the giant fist from the 2002 set.

     

    • WWE is waiting for Roman Reigns to drop down to 205 lbs before officially starting the new cruiserweight division.

    -Advertisement-
    PWTLesnar

    Smackdown

    • The drafting of the Smackdown roster was done to imitate the upcoming hit movie Suicide Squad.

     

    • Shane McMahon is demanding all Smackdown talent wrestle in Air Jordan sneakers at all times.

     

    • In order to make the WWE World Heavyweight Championship sound more important than the WWE Universal Championship, Daniel Bryan will be renaming it the WWE Multiversal Championship.

    -Sponsored Links-
    Here’s this for whatever reason.

    Other

    • Triple H has offered an exclusive NXT contract to Sonny Boy.

     

    • Dixie Carter has been begging Matt Hardy to get her one of those “flying cameras.”

     

    • Lance Storm enjoys wearing crocs, peeing in the wind and making eye contact while eating bananas.

     

    ScoopZone Elite: May 2, 2016

    We’ve consulted our inside sources to bring you the best and most EXCLUSIVE dirt on your favorite wrestling promotions from around the world. Unlike other sites, we’ll only bring you 100% accurate and truthful wrestling news every week. We’re still working on our paywall, so please only read these stories if you’re an elite member.

    [WELCOME ELITE MEMBERS. THANK YOU FOR THE SUBSCRIPTION!]

    News for The Week of May 2, 2016

    WWE

    • Triple H has been hiding because he is embarrassed of the recent NXT shows and tapings.

     

    • Following the news of Shane McMahon and Stephanie McMahon running Raw together, their sibling Hornswoggle will return very soon to gain control of Smackdown.

     

    • To get ready for his match with Kalisto at Payback, Ryback studied National Geographic tapes about flies for tips on agility.

    -Advertisement-
    Mark'sTears

    NXT

    • Alex Riley is pitching an NXT Civil War storyline where he plays a combination of both Iron Man and Captain America with all the foreign talent playing ethnically stereotypical villains.

     

    • Don West will be doing voice overs for NXT television effective immediately.

     

    • Eric Young saw people turning on NXT so he signed a deal just to be able to defend it on Twitter.


    -Sponsored Link-

     Link to the SZE Premium Shop! CLICK HERE!

    Other

    • ROH is no longer allowing grilled cheese sandwiches in their venues unless it was made between 2004-2008.

     

    • Scott Steiner’s Shoney’s restaurant is in trouble after corporate found out that he had added the word “Freak” before every item on the menu.

     

    • Lance Storm‘s favorite member of the Hart Foundation was Jim Neidhart.

     

    ScoopZone Elite: March 28, 2016

    We’ve consulted our inside sources to bring you the best and most EXCLUSIVE dirt on your favorite wrestling promotions from around the world. Unlike other sites, we’ll only bring you 100% accurate and truthful wrestling news every week. We’re still working on our paywall, so please only read these stories if you’re an elite member.

    [WELCOME ELITE MEMBERS. THANK YOU FOR THE SUBSCRIPTION!]

    News for The Week of March 28, 2016

    WWE

    • Roman Reigns‘ confidence has been rumored to have fallen so much that he doesn’t know who to refer to as a “bitch” anymore.

     

    • Kane and JBL have been pitching a political debate between the two men for a live WWE Network special. As of last word Vince McMahon’s response was “I need to know how many fart jokes they can fit in before I greenlight anything.”

     

    • Zack Ryder has been trying to stay away from anything that could somehow wake him up from this dream he thinks he is in.

    -Advertisement-
    AXXESSShow

    NXT

    • Baron Corbin has been extensively studying the careers of Finn Balor, Shinsuke Nakamura, Austin Aries and Samoa Joe so he doesn’t accidentally refer to one of their past wrestling promotions correctly.

     

    • Elias Samson has been absolutely terrified all month worrying that his spot on TakeOver: Dallas is just a very cruel April Fools prank.

     

    • In a horrible turn of events Mojo Rawley has found himself not hyped just days before hitting the road to Dallas, Texas. Sources close to him claim he is on an emergency Monster Energy drip at this time.


    -Sponsored Links-

    Never forget The Greatest WWE Character that never got to shine as briht as it could have.

    Other

    • Al Snow offered to work for free if TNA allowed him to trash “internet wrestling fans” on television.

     

    • Taz is planning on appearing at Wrestlemania with a megaphone to call Jericho out from the stands. He wants to set things straight once and for all and has decided this is the perfect time to do it.

     

    • Lance Storm has told friends in NXT, ROH and CZW each that he will be attending their Wrestlemania weekend Friday shows taking place at the same time. He will really be in his hotel room organizing his suitcase for Monday morning.

     

    ScoopZone Elite: February 29, 2016

    We’ve consulted our inside sources to bring you the best and most EXCLUSIVE dirt on your favorite wrestling promotions from around the world. Unlike other sites, we’ll only bring you 100% accurate and truthful wrestling news every week. We’re still working on our paywall, so please only read these stories if you’re an elite member.

    [WELCOME ELITE MEMBERS. THANK YOU FOR THE SUBSCRIPTION!]

    News for the Week of February 29, 2016

    WWE

    • No one likes to hang around The League of Nations backstage because they are really depressing.

     

    • Vince McMahon will disown any child of his unless they post at least 5 workout videos per week on social media.

     

    • To continue the decline of Total Divas next season will focus more on the boyfriends and brothers of the stars.

    -Advertisement-
      

    NXT

    • TakeOver: Dallas is scheduled to end with The Balor Club carrying Triple H on their shoulders and Shinsuke Nakamura placing his Wrestle Kingdom crown on Triple H’s head.

     

    • If you say “Sami Zayn” with your mouth full of peanut butter it sounds like “El Generico.”

     

    • Alex Riley wants to fight a live tiger in a cage at Wrestlemania weekend to send a message to the WWE Universe.


    -Sponsored Links-
    WhatCulture stole Joey’s Fuller House gif. The proof is in the low quality image.

    Other

    • CM Punk has frequent nightmares about The Miz making it to UFC before him.

     

    • Dixie Carter is open to someone purchasing TNA as long as they continue making action figures of her.

     

    • Lance Storm comments intentionally controversial opinions on Facebook posts then deletes it once everyone starts arguing with each other.

     

    ScoopZone Elite: January 21, 2016

    We’ve consulted our inside sources to bring you the best and most EXCLUSIVE dirt on your favorite wrestling promotions from around the world. Unlike other sites, we’ll only bring you 100% accurate and truthful wrestling news every week. We’re still working on our paywall, so please only read these stories if you’re an elite member.

    [WELCOME ELITE MEMBERS. THANK YOU FOR THE SUBSCRIPTION!]

    News for the Week of January 21, 2016

    WWE

    • WWE has offered a huge contract to AJ Styles. It’s just a normal contract but it comes with the promise of never making him get blonde highlights put in his hair.

     

    • Dean Ambrose practices smirking into a mirror for an hour before every show.

     

    • Dewey Foley was responsible for Baron Corbin humiliating Frank the Clown.

    -Advertisement-
    DBPreserves

    More WWE

    • Chris Jericho has been pitched to star in the WWE Studios film “15 Going On 50.”

     

    • Vince McMahon not being strong enough to open the Royal Rumble tumbler balls was a rib on his perception of Tyler Breeze.

     

    • Finn Balor continues to tease The Bullet Club coming to WWE. This time he spray-painted “Bullet Club might be coming to WWE but we’re probably just going to change the name to Balor Club for legal reasons. It’s pretty obvious already but I’m giving you all a heads up anyway” on the back of one of his opponents after a match. Backstage Triple H and the NXT staff praised his ability to paint so many words on such a small space and have it be legible.


    -Sponsored Links-
    See the greatest person to ever step foot in the ring with Hulk Hogan. Click Here!

    Other

    • Austin Aries still shows up to TNA tapings to chastise anyone eating meat at catering.

     

    • Mike Bennett is working on a new catchphrase now that he has realized saying “you witnessed a miracle” after he defeats someone makes him look bad.

     

    • Lance Storm throws snowballs at city buses in his spare time.

     

    ScoopZone Elite: December 7, 2015

    We’ve consulted our inside sources to bring you the best and most EXCLUSIVE dirt on your favorite wrestling promotions from around the world. Unlike other sites, we’ll only bring you 100% accurate and truthful wrestling news every week. We’re still working on our paywall, so please only read these stories if you’re an elite member.

    [WELCOME ELITE MEMBERS. THANK YOU FOR THE SUBSCRIPTION!]

    News for the Week of December 7, 2015

    WWE

    • WWE wanted to get the last ever ECW champion to join up with The Dudley Boys but Ezekiel Jackson declined when he realized his airplane ticket wasnt for an aisle seat.

     

    • Charlotte believes she can become this generation’s version of The Rock after mishearing fans saying she has the charisma of a rock.

     

    • Dolph Ziggler had a scary moment at the gym when the tears he cried while listening to “Home Sweet Home” by Motley Crue created a puddle underneath him causing him to take a nasty spill.

    -Advertisement-
    NewRaw

    TNA

    • To get ahead of the competition, TNA has offered Noelle Foley a six-figure contract to lead the creative team.

     

    • Mike Tenay still doesn’t know what the fuck is going on.

     

    • It has been so long since TNA filmed a show that Mr. Anderson has started talking into his shower head like a microphone to feel productive.


    -Sponsored Links-

    This Wrestler Used To Be Funny! Click Here!

    Other

    • ROH is selling a new coloring book. Delirious is only allowing sales if you promise to stay in the lines.

     

    • Colt Cabana is already planning a fourth Wrestling Road Diaries. This one will be a supercut of him standing at various gas pumps taken from abandoned footage of the last three documentaries.

     

    • Lance Storm‘s children strongly regret informing him what emojis are.

     

    ScoopZone Elite: August 31, 2015

    We’ve consulted our inside sources to bring you the best and most EXCLUSIVE dirt on your favorite wrestling promotions from around the world. Unlike other sites, we’ll only bring you 100% accurate and truthful wrestling news every week. We’re still working on our paywall, so please only read these stories if you’re an elite member.

    [WELCOME ELITE MEMBERS. THANK YOU FOR THE SUBSCRIPTION!]

    News for the Week of August 31, 2015

    WWE

    • Triple H is extremely proud and ecstatic about Seth Rollins hitting his “Chyna-stage” before turning 30.

     

    • How little Dolph Ziggler cares can be gauged by how dark his hair is.

     

    • Damien Sandow keeps trying (and failing) to date various Divas hoping a part on Total Divas will lead to him being on Raw again.

    -Advertisement-
    DragoInquisition

    More WWE

    • To combat former teammate Seth Rollins feuding with both Sting and John Cena at the same time, Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose are excited about the opportunity to work with Braun Strowman.

     

    • Lana’s current style is based off of Pauly Shore in the film “Son-In-Law.”

     

    • Zack Ryder and Heath Slater have been taken into police custody three times in the last month due to reacting poorly to odd real-life scenarios because of paranoia from the show Swerved.


    -Sponsored Links-

    How it feels to watch Raw. Click here!

    Other

    • Max Landis loved PWG BOLA Night 1 but HATED Nights 2 and 3 because sequels are unoriginal trash.

     

    • Taz tried disguising himself as Sting to get backstage at Raw for scoops since that is what journalists do. He was turned away immediately.

     

    • Lance Storm keeps feeding Bryan Alvarez incorrect information because he is secretly working as a mole for another wrestling website that provides inside scoops.

     

    Sexy Wrestler of The Week

    Rev your engines because it’s time to name The Sexy Wrestler of The Week!

    You know how this goes. Your votes have been counted. The name has been picked. Things are about to get rowdy. LET’S DO THIS!

    SWOTWCorbin

    Baron Corbin is The Sexy Wrestler of The Week. This is the second time you all have decided The Lone Wolf was deserving of this award. He may be dark and brooding but he’s can’t help but to bring you all joy.

    Whether it be his cool tats or his sick vest, Baron Corbin has the right stuff. I have to go. I can’t contain the tears. This is one of the most beautiful moments in history. Congrats, Baron Corbin. Congrats, my man.

    Sexy Wrestler of The Week

    Hold on tight because we’re fixing to name The Sexy Wrestler of The Week! Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday we were not naming The Sexy Wrestler of The Week and yet here we are. We are absolutely naming The Sexy Wrestler of The Week today. Wow!

    It’s super hot outside but there’s definitely something hotter in our future. It’s that time of the week again! The Sexy Wrestler of The Week will be named! I’ve counted your votes and it was a thrill ride. Every single one of them brought an extreme joy to my heart.

    You would have to be dead to not agree with the winner this week. This could the first win in another streak for this man! I’m hinting at the winner here you dipshit.

    Oh, also… he played Blanche’s boyfriend in an episode of Golden Girls. It was probably one of the greatest wrestling/comedy crossovers ever but many people don’t remember it. I dug up a screenshot for you, the lovely readers.

    TakerGoldenGirls

    The Undertaker is The Sexy Wrestler of The Week! Do you remember his Wrestlemania streak? That was quite the accomplishment but NOTHING compares to being voted the sexiest wrestler. I’m sure The Dead Man is riding his hog down an empty road right now while reflection on what brought him to this huge moment.